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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I think i hacmve the ICK

52 replies

MyTipsyPeachPoet · 10/01/2026 22:49

Hello

I have been with my fiance for 5 years. Engaged 2 years and we have a 5 month daughter. I live in his house. I moved in 2 years ago. I sold my house.

Before i moved in, he had a leak in the bathroom upstairs. He couldnt fix it but switching off the hot water stopped the leak. Since then, we have no hot water in the whole house except the shower but only because its electric.

He has a smaller bathroom upstairs he ripped out years before me. He wants to put a new bathroom in so he can work on the barhroom with the leak and we would still have a bathroom to use.

Well. We have argued non stop about this as he hasnt done it. In 2 years. I havent had hot water since living here except in the shower. I hate it. I have tried everything, offered to pay someone to just put in a new bathroom and find the other leak - nope (he wants to do it, im not even on the deeds anyway), i have stopped nagging (apparently i was creating a hostile environment whcih wasnt motivating), i have stopped talking about it (apparently I have made it all about me and what I want?!). No matter what I do, nothing is done.

He had 3 weeks off over Christmas and vowed to work on bathroom. He didnt. Instead, he did other bits around the house.. mainly because he didnt want people to think his house was a mess. He also has a 3d printer and has been printing off things just because he can. He made from scratch a games table with lights and speakers built in. We have argued about it. I said he could be fixing bathroom instead of this games table that only he wants. He said its for the family not him. So we can play games.. we dont play games?!

Anyway, last week he cut his finger quite badly amending this table. He had to go to a&e (cut using power tool). We agreed this weekend he would work on bathrooms. Today he complained his finger was still in agony. I said "is it easier to fix bathrooms next weekend then?" He said yes, as he cant put any pressure on it. Fair enough. So i said, lets still both do something productive to the house as its a tip.. it is, he says so too. He didnt like that and said "cant you see how that pisses me off, you are telling me what to do". I told him i didnt have "jobs for him" specifically but there is lots to do. 10 mins later he said he is switching power off. I ask what for, he said to put a new light fiting up in the room where the games table is. I said okay. He was gone 4 hours. 4 hours??! 4 hours where i had to do everything for our baby.

Afterwards, he appologised for time and said it all got complicated and a part broke. I was tempted to say "is your finger okay then??" But id be accused of "passive agressiveness" but it dawned on. He has no intention fixing the leak or the bathroom. If he did, we wouldnt be without hot water for 2 years. Its a joke. He isnt even motivated to do it for his baby who is nearly outgrowing her baby bath. Im fed up filling this up from the shower and then carrying it when i could use the actual bath!!

In that moment, tonight, i got the ick. I have made arrangements to see my mum tomorrow. Ill tell him tonight. I am so pissed off. He doesnt care, does he??
I think im done. I am upset as i do love him and obviously we have a daughter. He is all smiles tonight and has thanked me for a lovely day. Prick.

When did you get the ick??
Am i being unreasonable??

OP posts:
Dollyfloss · 10/01/2026 23:17

MyTipsyPeachPoet · 10/01/2026 23:13

Ive threatened that and have been accused of being controlling and nagging him

Threatening is no good - it means nothing.

You need to actually do it.

IndigoIsMyFavouriteColour · 10/01/2026 23:18

Your child needs somewhere safe to live and no hot water is not good enough. Move in with your mum for a while and tell him that.

SwanRivers · 10/01/2026 23:20

Moving into your mum's for a little while is just going to give him a nice, child-free break - free of what he considers 'nagging'.

It will achieve nothing.

CluelessAboutBiology · 10/01/2026 23:23

MyTipsyPeachPoet · 10/01/2026 23:03

Yes have my house funds. Thats how i was offering to pay for this housework.

Never spend money improving a house you don’t own.

Fortunately the house is only his name so you don’t have to worry about selling it. You can just pack your bags and go. Go and stay at your mum’s whilst you find somewhere to rent/buy. The sooner you go the better - despite not knowing your mum, I’m fairly sure she has hot water.

Alltheyellowbirds · 10/01/2026 23:23

MyTipsyPeachPoet · 10/01/2026 22:55

Most things go in the dishwasher. Other things, we wash up by boiling the kettle.

But what about washing your hands? After going to the toilet, after changing nappies etc etc?

This is really, really not acceptable. Pack a bag, pick up your baby, and go to your Mum’s. Tell him neither of you are coming home till he sorts it out, and that if he doesn’t you wish him a happy future with his games table.

Fidgety31 · 10/01/2026 23:25

He’s gross to live with no hot water - and that is not a good dad who does that either !

Raise your standards and leave him to live in his cave . He won’t do anything when you ask because he knows you’ll still hang around and he can do as he pleases . You are being treated like a fool. Don’t make your child grow up witnessing this .

SwanRivers · 10/01/2026 23:28

So how do you both wash your hands after you've been to the toilet?

Surely you don't wash them in the shower each time or have to pop the kettle on before you go for a wee?

Dfhglksc · 10/01/2026 23:28

Honestly OP, what were you thinking bringing a baby into this situation?
This is on you.
Move home to your mother and give some hard serious thought to YOUR choices.
Your baby needs one parent that is an adult that takes responsibility for them.
I wouldn't dream of bringing a baby into such a mess.
But you did.
Stop wasting time blaming him and getting angry.
You allowed this to happen.
Pack a bag, go home to your mother and her hot water.
Make plans to move forward without this man child.
Make it clear that you will not be returning with your child to such a mass.
Do not marry such a man.
Far better you go it alone than live the next 20 years in a building site.

Copperoliverbear · 10/01/2026 23:33

I’m sorry I’d be leaving him and buying my own place for myself and my baby x

FairCat · 10/01/2026 23:35

It's unacceptable to live without hot water, two days would be too much, two years is ridiculous. Do you know why your partner is avoiding the issue? Often this happens because the person feels it is their responsibility to do the job but doesn't know how or have the confidence to do it. For some men getting someone in feels like failure.
Not justifying this awful situation but if you can understand why he isn't stepping up maybe you can find a way to get things moving.

Ellie56 · 10/01/2026 23:36

OMG how can you live without hot water for two years? That is just gross. It was bad enough when we had no hot water for two days when our boiler was being fixed.

I would have got the ick long ago and I certainly wouldn't have brought a baby into this unhygienic shit tip!

Just pack your bags and take DD to your Mum's while you sort out somewhere else suitable to live.

xSnowFairyx · 10/01/2026 23:39

I remember your previous thread about this OP, and it sounds like nothing has changed?

You’re still living with a lazy bloke in a building site?

Don’t marry him. Move out. Build a better life for yourself and your child and don’t let this scruffy loser hold you back.

Dfhglksc · 10/01/2026 23:40

It's always the poor children that I feel sorry for.
Having a baby in a house with no hot running water?
WTH.

Uhghg · 11/01/2026 00:08

Where is the money from the house you sold?

This had been going on for 2 years.
Its not only affecting you but your child too.

Most men would have never allowed their partner to give birth before sorting this.
It would have been their top priority!

Honestly he doesn’t like you very much and I don’t think he wants you or his child living in his home - if he did he would have sorted this months/years ago.

Move out into your own place.
You can then decide whether it’s worth trying to save or not.

disturbia · 12/01/2026 18:45

Call a plumber out when he is at work. It is probably a small job to fix the leak

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 12/01/2026 19:52

YABU to stay warm n a house with no hot water for years. If he can't or won't do it then you need to pay someone who can. If he puts his foot down and refuses the. Move out until and unless it's fixed.

notatinydancer · 12/01/2026 20:08

MyTipsyPeachPoet · 10/01/2026 23:11

I cant even look at him tonight. When he was playing with our daughter i felt sadness that ive basically had enough. I dont want to end it over hot water tho. But why not take me up on my offer to pay, multiple times??

You’re not ending it over hot water though ? He’s a useless , selfish dick who doesn’t care about you or his child. Sorry , I don’t want to be that person but why on earth did you have a baby with him ?

Stillupatmidnight · 12/01/2026 20:15

Oh wow I’d literally just pay someone else to do the work, he’ll get over it, and you can live happily ever after with running hot water.

BlackCatDiscoClub · 12/01/2026 20:27

I don't know how you've managed this for two years. It is unacceptable to have no hot water in the house for two years. It sounds like you are raising a tiny baby in a slum? Thats not ok. Go to your mums, tell him he has a month to get the work sorted if he wants to raise a child there. If he hasn't done it in a month then you buy your own place. Don't spend any of your money on his house.

Tammygirl12 · 12/01/2026 20:37

What else is wrong with the house apart from the dire hot water situation. You say it’s a state, is it messy or just a building site?

I would move out asap and only move back with the house completely done and him making some serious promises

Meteorite87 · 12/01/2026 20:48

Have you decided to change anything @MyTipsyPeachPoet ?

stomachamelon · 26/01/2026 19:46

@MyTipsyPeachPoet checking in to see if you are still there? Or if anything has changed?

TheGhostOfMeAndYou · 18/04/2026 11:35

Did he fix the leak @MyTipsyPeachPoet?

BillieWiper · 18/04/2026 11:39

He needs to turn the water supply to the leaking item off. Then the water for the whole house can go back on?
If I were you I'd just call a plumber. And tell him he's paying for it.

ehb102 · 18/04/2026 12:01

I think you are very sensible to call time on this situation rather than live like it for fifty years. I knew someone like your husband, his controlling behaviour just got worse over the years. If he wanted to he would is a great phrase to remember. If he wanted to make sure you and your child were safe and had their basic needs met, he would. Yet he doesn't. It doesn't matter why, it matters that you are living in a slum with a man who is incapable of putting you and your child first. Leaving is absolutely the right thing to do.

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