my husband is in love with another woman.

[ponytailcapbadge]

Sorry this is a name change and a long one so as not to drip feed. I would like to hear people’s opinions as I am considering leaving my DH as he is in love with someone else, lets call her Sarah. He has known Sarah since they were 4 years old. Their parents and grandparents were all friends.She is who is parents thought he should and would marry and she is utterly adored by his who family. She called his parents mum and dad. My husband claims they were never an item (although he wished they were) and they have only kissed once when they were teenagers. She’s nothing to look at but has done very well in her career. We are now all in our late 50s.
This is a second marriage for both me and DH. I met him and his DW at work. I was friends with his DW1 and she would often speak about Sarah and how much she hated her and how she had banned her husband from ever contacting her. When DH marriage broke up, I was already divorced and we started seeing each other. Unfortunately in the job we do this is utterly banned and within 2 weeks we were discovered and he was sacked on the spot. He also lost his home at the same time as it went with the job. I was protected because he was my boss and so was considered a victim. DH had to move in with me and I supported him while he searched for a new career. I wanted a commitment from him and he proposed in a very theatrical way within 6 months of us getting together and it was wonderful – or so I thought.

It turned out that he had immediately got in contact with Sarah when his marriage failed and was messaging her several times a day. They also met up at her house. She told him not to marry me. At this point I understood why DW1 hated her. We got married anyway. It’s fair to say it’s been a pretty tempestuous union. My career has skyrocketed and I’ve moved up through the ranks. He’s struggled to find work and earns now a fraction of what he did when we worked together. I knew that he still thought about her and once he called out her name during sex.
When his mother died Sarah turned up at the funeral. I was furious that she should insert herself into our family grief. When DH father died a few years later she also came to that funeral and had the cheek to bring her husband and child as well. I told him in no uncertain terms that if he spoke to her there that the marriage would be over. She glared at me the whole time.
After the funeral I said he could never speak to Sarah again and told him to remove all social media links to her. I don’t understand why Sarah’s husband hadn’t stopped them speaking to each other.
It’s been 6 years and I really thought she was out of our lives and then on NYE his phone pinged.I checked his phone and it was a text from Sarah saying HNY. I then realised she is never going to be gone from our lives. Our respective kids are almost grown up. AIBU to think now is the time to call this a day. I’ve never even spoken to this woman and yet I want to kill her. I hate what she has done to my marriage. Do I really want to spend the last part of my life with a man who is in love with someone else?

If the only contact is one HNY message OP then I think your letting bottled up feelings over spill here. Maybe examine them with a therapist.

It's reasonable foe her to turn up to the funerals though as a ling standing family friend from the age of 4, parents grandparents etc.

The back story is the story OP, its all relevant. Unfortunately your problem is that you refuse to face the truth, and plough on regardless. You knew that he was married to one woman and was infatuated with a second, most women would have run a mile. You hooked up with him (while he was still married - so you lose the moral high ground), demanded commitment after just a few short months and ran headlong into marriage. You post on here for advice and despite the overwhelming view being that 'yes' the relationship is doomed, DH is the problem not Sarah, you ignore these points and ask 'why won't Sarah leave him alone?'. What Sarah says or does is irrelevant - your husband is infatuated with her, which means that you should walk away. You won't, of course, but you should.

At this point I understood why DW1 hated her

To be honest, I doubt she’s too keen on you either

Divorce, move on and get with someone available - not married and not pining after someone else.

Maybe also look into therapy to find the root of what made you go for this situation in the first place, especially if you were friends (or so you claim) with his wife. That’s a massive betrayal of basic decency on multiple levels that needs to be addressed.

I think you need to stop blaming the other woman so much and focus on your dh . He is the one who is suppose to put you first. Its always been his choice to stay in touch with this woman.

You sound abusive to him too. Who are you to tell him who he can and cannot be friends with? It’s not up to you to dictate and force someone to block and delete someone’s number.

i think he should leave you and take you to the cleaner…

So W1 was obviously wrong about Sarah. All along W1 was your friend.
You should have informed her that it was not Sarah she had to worry about, but you; you had your eye on her husband.

Sarah is like a sister to your DH.
Her busband is like a bro-in-law. Sarah's husband likes your husband.

Someone hit on something earlier - find someone who adores you. I think that's the issue here: you know your husband doesn't adore you.

So, time to let him go.

The question isn't: "why won't this woman go away?" The real question is: "why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?"

It's heartbreaking, and sad, and yes, it's making you jealous and a little off-kilter. But, time heals - and people move on and find other loves. You'll be OK. It'll be tough, but you'll be happier without all this half-hearted relationship. It's becoming an unhealthy obsession. Life's too short.

I hope you split and he gets 50% of everything. You sound completely unhinged

This. She knew his parents well and they her. So of course she would be expected to attend their funerals.

This is a shit show.
You were the OW and he moved in with you 5 minutes after you got together. You strongarmed a proposal out of him which he obliged because he lost his job and needed a place to live. All the while he's still pining after his one that got away. Your marriage is not going to last, I'm sorry.

You sound. Possessive and honestly 🦇 💩 giving ultimatums. Of course a longtome friend who called his parents mum and dad would attend the funeral. She isn’t the problem your husband is. You come across as being more superior and referencing how she is nothing to look at. He’s the problem not her.

I’ve never even spoken to this woman and yet I want to kill her. I hate what she has done to my marriage. Do I really want to spend the last part of my life with a man who is in love with someone else?

It's your husband who's ruining your marriage, not her. And why would anyone want to spend even a minute with a husband who's in love with someone else?? Boot him out and move on OP. There's no future there.

I've not read the full thread, just the OPs posts and skimmed a lot of the others. However, I genuinely don't understand what Sarah has done wrong - she's attended the funeral of two close family friends, sent a happy new year message to an old friend and expressed concerns about that friend rushing into marriage after a divorce and getting entangled in a work relationship. I'm team Sarah here!!

@ponytailcapbadge you're financially stable, good career. Let him play the pick me dance for the rest of his life with Sarah . You've a life to live.

Sarah has known your husband since he was a child. His parents and grandparents, were friends with her parents. His parents hoped your husband would marry Sarah at some point. You knew your husband's ex wife, who made her dislike of Sarah known to you. You started a relationship with your now husband, after his divorce, knowing your husband was more senior to you and your employer forbid inter-company relationships. Your husband lost his job due to your relationship and moved in with you. After dating 6 months your husband proposed and Sarah told him not to marry you. Your in-laws passed away Sarah attended both funerals. You banned your husband from seeing/speaking/texting Sarah ever again. NYE Sarah sends your husband a message wishing him a HNY.

What exactly has Sarah done???? Attending the funeral of two people she's known her entire life and has been close to is perfectly normal. Has it not occurred to you, that although your in-laws may have wanted your husband to marry Sarah, that she doesn't and never has felt that way towards your husband?? Kissing once as a teenagers, proves absolutely nothing. Sarah and your husband have had plenty of time within their lives to get together if they'd wanted, yet they never have. Sarah is married and has children of her own. Perhaps Sarah was telling your husband not to marry you after only dating for 6 months, which was quite sensible!

I don't see Sarah as the issue here. I think the problem is that your husband has quite possibly held a torch for Sarah all his life. Sarah hasn't been interested in dating your husband, and sees him as a friend. There's nothing abnormal about sending a HNY message on NYE. You've never spoken to Sarah, so you don't know anything about or even know her at all! You've picked up on the fact your in-law's adored Sarah and your husband's ex disliked her, and have made her out to be a 'harlot' 'intent in destroying your marriage'!!

So you were banging your friend's husband who was also your boss and he got purged and proposed really fast because you had a decent home setup. But he's got a serious thing for his childhood friend who had the nerve to show up at the funeral of people she called Mom and Dad and grew up with. With her husband and kid at his dad's funeral no less. And she sent a HNY text. And you say you want to kill her.

You need immediate mental health care and treatment if you're having homicidal ideation. Go to your A&E.

OP is the sly piece of work. She was friends with her current husbands wife and it didn’t stop her from being his affair partner. Even if she wasn’t friends with the wife that was pretty low. Sometimes in life you reap what you sow.

Sarah may or may not have had selfish motivations when she urged OP’s now husband not to marry her, but she wasn’t wrong.

What a very predictable mess!
He had barely time to breath after getting out his previous marriage and he was struggling financially as a result of both of them stupidly risking their jobs then he rushes in with a proposal.

He wasn’t in the best place to decide to marry really, sounds as if it was done out of desperation and financial need.

As they say on MN, noone falls in love faster than a man who needs a roof over has head.
Wonder how his kids felt about him rushing to marry this woman shortly after they were adjusting to their parents divorce?

And the thing is Op knew about Sarah beforehand, why walk into a situation like that if you’re not going to be ok with it?

And her attitude regarding the funeral was awful, why wouldn’t Sarah attend the funeral of her family friends that she called her mum and dad?

OPs being utterly selfish to think she shouldn’t be there. And the truth is if Op had more faith in her husband who has proved himself to be a cheat, she wouldn’t be worried about Sarah!

She’s not much too look at- you lost me there

You are angry at the wrong person.

the person you should be angry with is your DH.

Sarah has been a thorn in the side ifv2 marriages now BECAUSE YOUR DH CHOOSES HER TO BE THERE

This is a f brilliant response! 👏👏👏

All of this. Perfectly put

Can you tell me exactly where you sre getting your anger towards anyone other than the OP from? Where has Op been made a fool?

The fact that she got with this man while he was not divorced from his previous marriage puts a huge red flag on her moral compass. Don't know why she's surprised he's doing similar if not the same to her. She helped him cheat on his wife before her, and now another lady is in her shoes but this time she's the clown at home while hubby has eyes for yet another woman that is not his own. LOL How the circle is formed.

What were they texting each other?

Am I understanding correctly that you feel that this woman likes your dh attention and is sort of manipulating him/ keeping his hopes up as some sort of plan b for herself?

Other than that how is your relationship? You said there’s income differences- is your dh resentful towards you for losing his job? How is he treating you and your (now grown up) children?