my husband is in love with another woman.

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Sorry this is a name change and a long one so as not to drip feed. I would like to hear people’s opinions as I am considering leaving my DH as he is in love with someone else, lets call her Sarah. He has known Sarah since they were 4 years old. Their parents and grandparents were all friends.She is who is parents thought he should and would marry and she is utterly adored by his who family. She called his parents mum and dad. My husband claims they were never an item (although he wished they were) and they have only kissed once when they were teenagers. She’s nothing to look at but has done very well in her career. We are now all in our late 50s.
This is a second marriage for both me and DH. I met him and his DW at work. I was friends with his DW1 and she would often speak about Sarah and how much she hated her and how she had banned her husband from ever contacting her. When DH marriage broke up, I was already divorced and we started seeing each other. Unfortunately in the job we do this is utterly banned and within 2 weeks we were discovered and he was sacked on the spot. He also lost his home at the same time as it went with the job. I was protected because he was my boss and so was considered a victim. DH had to move in with me and I supported him while he searched for a new career. I wanted a commitment from him and he proposed in a very theatrical way within 6 months of us getting together and it was wonderful – or so I thought.

It turned out that he had immediately got in contact with Sarah when his marriage failed and was messaging her several times a day. They also met up at her house. She told him not to marry me. At this point I understood why DW1 hated her. We got married anyway. It’s fair to say it’s been a pretty tempestuous union. My career has skyrocketed and I’ve moved up through the ranks. He’s struggled to find work and earns now a fraction of what he did when we worked together. I knew that he still thought about her and once he called out her name during sex.
When his mother died Sarah turned up at the funeral. I was furious that she should insert herself into our family grief. When DH father died a few years later she also came to that funeral and had the cheek to bring her husband and child as well. I told him in no uncertain terms that if he spoke to her there that the marriage would be over. She glared at me the whole time.
After the funeral I said he could never speak to Sarah again and told him to remove all social media links to her. I don’t understand why Sarah’s husband hadn’t stopped them speaking to each other.
It’s been 6 years and I really thought she was out of our lives and then on NYE his phone pinged.I checked his phone and it was a text from Sarah saying HNY. I then realised she is never going to be gone from our lives. Our respective kids are almost grown up. AIBU to think now is the time to call this a day. I’ve never even spoken to this woman and yet I want to kill her. I hate what she has done to my marriage. Do I really want to spend the last part of my life with a man who is in love with someone else?

Poor Sarah. She's done absolutely nothing wrong. She turned up at a funeral for someone she's known her whole life with her husband and kids and you're raging and saying she had no right to be there! Unbelievable

You're the author of your own misfortune in this situation

... unless OP's absent-mindedly forgotten to tell us he replied with "My New Year will only be happy if you leave your husband for me, funding a comfortable home for us both to live together in joyful harmony my darling Sarah, my one and only love!"

I'm guessing her reply to that would look like "WTF, are you drunk?!"

Have no sympathy, sorry OP.
I can’t understand what you think Sarah has done wrong?
She is a lifelong friend of his and called his parents mum and dad? Of course she’d go to their funerals? Of course she’d text her friend happy new year?
If I was her I’d tell you to go to hell lady!

Who do you think you are?

Has it ever crossed your mind that Sarah has never been interested in your husband?

You might have been dying to claim him despite him being married but doubt everyone else is.

YABU About the funeral and Happy New Year text.
My husband does in real life have a good friend called Sarah, they text, go to lunch, she’s friends with his mum & dad and she’s known DH about 20 years longer than I have.
I don’t worry about this Sarah because I trust my husband (and his friend Sarah)
Your relationship started with an affair though, it was built on lies and you can’t trust your DH because you know what he is capable of. If Sarah moved to Australia tomorrow you’d have the same trust issues with somebody else.

Yabu re the funerals... Sarah known the family since very young. Tbh I can see why Sarah warned your husband not to marry you. It's too quick and whilst he still married. Sarah sounds like a caring friend who rightly worried about her childhood friend and his new abusive wife.

Of course she told him not to marry you. He should not have married you. He was in a situation. Sacked and homeless. He should have got his own place and had a normal relationship with you. Not just married you.

You are blaming the wrong person.

Sarah has done nothing wrong in going to the funerals. She’s known these people all her life!

Regarding the ongoing contact, what has she done? How often is she in contact in with dh? Do they see each other? Maybe the NYE message. was a generic ‘send to all’ message, rather than aimed at your husband, so without further info, we don’t actually know if Sarah has stayed away, and it’s just your paranoia causing problems, or whether she is the third person in your relationship.

They do say, marry in haste, repent at leisure…

Have you heard yourself?! It sounds like she barely contacts him. She probably doesn’t think about it at all, and yet you spend all this time concerned with her. Do you feel like he would leave you for her if she wanted him? If not, why are you bothered? If yes, why are you with him?

Am I the only one who kind of...LIKES Sarah?? I don't know but she sounds kind of sensible and switched on, to me!

Of course she would go to his parents funerals? What are you on about?

I know in some places people would get into trouble for having a relationship, but he got sacked in the spot? I know you can’t tell me your job but what industry is this?

I’m really confused why you were friends with his ex wife since you’ve now drip fed that she was abusive to him? So by your words you were friends with his abuser, then you’ve controlled and hurt him (telling him something is marriage ending at his own parents funeral). As I said before id be leaving him, Sarah isn’t the problem here it’s you. He obviously isn’t a saint as he took advantage of you but your behaviour is insane.

Your were his wife's friend then you still dating him even though

1. work wouldn't allow it
2. he was still married
3. his wife was your friend!

You reap what you sow

When his mother died Sarah turned up at the funeral. I was furious that she should insert herself into our family grief. When DH father died a few years later she also came to that funeral and had the cheek to bring her husband and child as well.

YABVU

They are basically family and at least best friends.

They’ve known each other since they were 4 years old and she calls his parents mum and dad - of course she’s going to be at their funeral.
She has more right to be there than you.

Of course she’d advise him to not marry you.
He lost his job dnd moved in with you and was engaged within 6 months - I’d be advising anyone to not marry in this situation.

Honestly, I don’t think he was separated from his wife and so you are paranoid that he’s going to do the same to you as he did his last wife.

You will never remove this woman from your life.
If you don’t like her in it then you need to end things.
You don’t get to be controlling and tell him who he can and can’t speak to.

This, what a mess. And nice shallow input.. She’s nothing to look at but has done very well in her career. ….
in your opinion “She’s nothing to look at” Miss Universe 2025 are you?

I don't think that OP was the reason he broke up with his first wife? That's not how I read it, anyway.

This

I met my husband when he was separated, I will advise all women that the separated zone is a dicey one. Anyway we made it through, still together, ex now gone, 17 years on. But your situation OP is another level of complex. Childhood sweethearts!

I know men can be evasive and controlling to the point of shutting down communication, but we do need to ask ourselves, if we are in a relationship with an other that would do this, why we are in this relationship?

I know it is not easy, I was in a long term relationship from the age of 17, with a young man that did not have my best interests at heart, it took me 13 years to finally have the strength to leave, it was actually having my DD that propelled me to leave and I never looked back. I digress!

But OP, it is not this woman’s fault. It is your husband’s and he is the one, and only one at
fault here.

This woman had every right to be at the funerals of his parents.

Why do you blame this women for the woes of your marriage and not your husband?

The old "see them when they turn up at your parent's funeral, then wait years to receive a generic holiday wish by text message" move.

Guy's got game!

I don’t understand why Sarah’s husband hadn’t stopped them speaking to each other.

Because he’s normal 🤷‍♀️

She has a right to attend the funerals.

So you had an affair with your boss (probably still married at the time), started living with him within a couple of weeks and then demanded marriage so he proposed within six months. And now you are wondering why things are not going well for you…

I’m guessing his DW1, who you say was a friend, is as much unhappy with you as you are with Sarah. If I was DW1, I would be highly suspicious that your relationship with her DH started way before they split up.

This entire scenario reminds me of Pulp's song Disco 2000. What a mess all around, although I think people are being a bit hard on the OP.

Team Sarah in this obviously made up rage bait post.

You jumped the shark when you admitted you were the other woman and when you were nonsensically annoyed that she showed up to the funeral of a woman she called "mum". Nice try though.