my husband is in love with another woman.

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Sorry this is a name change and a long one so as not to drip feed. I would like to hear people’s opinions as I am considering leaving my DH as he is in love with someone else, lets call her Sarah. He has known Sarah since they were 4 years old. Their parents and grandparents were all friends.She is who is parents thought he should and would marry and she is utterly adored by his who family. She called his parents mum and dad. My husband claims they were never an item (although he wished they were) and they have only kissed once when they were teenagers. She’s nothing to look at but has done very well in her career. We are now all in our late 50s.
This is a second marriage for both me and DH. I met him and his DW at work. I was friends with his DW1 and she would often speak about Sarah and how much she hated her and how she had banned her husband from ever contacting her. When DH marriage broke up, I was already divorced and we started seeing each other. Unfortunately in the job we do this is utterly banned and within 2 weeks we were discovered and he was sacked on the spot. He also lost his home at the same time as it went with the job. I was protected because he was my boss and so was considered a victim. DH had to move in with me and I supported him while he searched for a new career. I wanted a commitment from him and he proposed in a very theatrical way within 6 months of us getting together and it was wonderful – or so I thought.

It turned out that he had immediately got in contact with Sarah when his marriage failed and was messaging her several times a day. They also met up at her house. She told him not to marry me. At this point I understood why DW1 hated her. We got married anyway. It’s fair to say it’s been a pretty tempestuous union. My career has skyrocketed and I’ve moved up through the ranks. He’s struggled to find work and earns now a fraction of what he did when we worked together. I knew that he still thought about her and once he called out her name during sex.
When his mother died Sarah turned up at the funeral. I was furious that she should insert herself into our family grief. When DH father died a few years later she also came to that funeral and had the cheek to bring her husband and child as well. I told him in no uncertain terms that if he spoke to her there that the marriage would be over. She glared at me the whole time.
After the funeral I said he could never speak to Sarah again and told him to remove all social media links to her. I don’t understand why Sarah’s husband hadn’t stopped them speaking to each other.
It’s been 6 years and I really thought she was out of our lives and then on NYE his phone pinged.I checked his phone and it was a text from Sarah saying HNY. I then realised she is never going to be gone from our lives. Our respective kids are almost grown up. AIBU to think now is the time to call this a day. I’ve never even spoken to this woman and yet I want to kill her. I hate what she has done to my marriage. Do I really want to spend the last part of my life with a man who is in love with someone else?

So you made his mum's funeral about you and think everything would be rosy in your life without Sarah 🤔

You said you met DH and his first wife when you worked with them both. So how come that was OK, but when he had a relationship with you he was “sacked on the spot “ and couldn’t get another similar job? It sounds like there was more to it.

No, I wouldn’t want to be anyone’s fallback reserve choice. If you are unhappy, you can separate.

Sarah is not the problem and has done nothing wrong.
Your DH can be friends with who ever he wants.
why would you want to stay with someone who said another woman’s name during sex? It’s not Sarah’s fault he fancies her.
Not speaking to her isn’t going to make him stop fancying her.
Move on and stop blaming another woman for the faults in your marriage.

Voted yanbu, meaning yanbu to end it .

But it's his fault and he's your problem, not her.

But never be second best.

It all seems very predictable, OP. Relationships can be messy. Many of us make mistakes at various points - thinking the situation is one way when it's really more complex, and closing our eyes to truths we'd rather not see. Reading into things like a proposal what we want to see rather what they really indicate.

It sounds as though he was coerced into your marriage to some extent. I don't mean to imply you did this deliberately, but you pushed for commitment early on when he was losing everything and you were a life line. He took the life line and neither of you seem to have stopped to consider how circumstances might have made that seem like no choice.

Sarah isn't going to leave you alone. She likes your DH. She may fancy him or love him in a romantic way, she may not. But she clearly isn't prepared to stop talking to him because you don't like it. And why should she? She doesn't owe you anything and she has a decades long friendship with your DH.

And your DH is clearly still holding some sort of flame for her and isn't prepared to cut contact. It also sounds like he's not the best in terms of being noble or honest about things (the affair with you while he was married AND as your boss), the proposal that looks very much like a bid for a secure home, the not telling you about Sarah when he's clearly still in contact (though, tbf, you sound a bit controlling about that - trust him or don't, don't tell him who he's allowed to talk to).

So yes, I think leaving this marriage might well be the best option for you. But I suggest marriage counseling (and probably individual counseling for you too) before you make any hasty decisions. You are reading a lot of things that may or may not be valid into actions that could be innocent and seem quite focused on a woman who has, as far as we know, just turned up to the funerals of a couple of people she knew well and texted your DH with friendship level texts. But despite that, your posts give the impression you think your DH isn't keen on showing you that you are his priority, and that's not good in a relationship.

Why doesnt she stick with her own husband rather than messaging mine? i cant sleep since I saw that text. It makes me wonder what else is going on.

Because she doesn't want him but she absolutely laps it up that he wants her. So she involves herself just enough to keep him keen, she doesn't want to lose the thrill of knowing how he feels.

Though I'm not sure that is the only reason she appeared at the funerals, the families go back a long way and seem very intertwined, but it would nonetheless have had the same effect and she may not have been too sad about that.

she wanted him to commit within weeks or months of the start of their relationship. He obliged. Doesnt mean he wanted to.Its all a clusterfuck but yes op, time to call it quits.

Also if you are in your 50s, it could have been a completely different Sarah he was shouting out. I’m friends with about 30 of them.

I cannot see a problem really. I cannot see where you are saying your DH is in love with her. You’ve said he’s gone to her house and are messaging quite a bit. So yes that’s not great but it could all still be just friends. He’s hardly going to tell you though when you’re so controlling and untrusting of him. So not good behaviour from you or your DH. You are controlling and insecure. Most good friends would say don’t get married as it was very hasty. Your behaviour at the funerals was shocking. You say she was glaring at you but from your description, I bet you were glaring at her more. Of course, she and her family have every right to be there. She was a very close friend of the family. Do you really expect her to not attend just because you were there? There’s obviously huge trust issues here.

OP seriously... "She told him not to marry me." Do you think it could have been because "I wanted a commitment from him and he proposed in a very theatrical way within 6 months of us getting together and it was wonderful."

She knew he was still married - so maybe shouldn't be getting engaged.
She knew he was your boss - so maybe shouldn't be getting engaged.
She knew you had been dating for six months - so maybe shouldn't be getting engaged.

Maybe she just has heaps of common sense which you appear to be lacking in? If she wanted him, she has had ample opportunity to get together with him. She's not once made a play for him. She's only ever been a friend. If a friend of mind was getting engaged while still married, to someone they had only been dating for six months, and which went against both of their work's company policy I would be telling them not to do it and wondering why they were acting like a total loon.

You are insecure and controlling - or at least this is how you are coming across on this thread. And although you are getting a lot of tough love it is for your own good. Please read through all of these responses over and over, because YABU to put all this blame on Sarah who has done NOTHING as opposed to have a proper conversation with your husband who you have a lot of insecurity over. Also agree with the others that your behaviour at the funerals was reproachable.

You're getting a lot from a happy new year text to someone she's known since she was 4!

Tbf Sarah would have had to agree to this and he doesn't sound much of a catch. She's probably perfectly happy with her (much less jealous) husband

What do you think his first wife, your friend, feels about you?

Did you consider her feelings at all when you started shagging her husband?

You reap what you sow.

This cannot be real. It is utterly bonkers.

He’s not just a walking red flag he’s flaming bunting!

thr age old “my wife is abusive and doesn’t understand me@ he’s probably telling Sarah the same thing about you. They say you lose them how you get them so this shouldn’t come a huge surprise

Is this real?

You had an affair with your friend’s husband. You listened to your friend slag off her husband’s childhood friend, who he kissed once and never again, all the time he was single, and decided on the basis of that, that she was a threat to your already tainted relationship?

You are the grubby one in all of this (and him)- not Sarah. I would also wish a close childhood friend HNY. I would go to the funerals of people I’d grown up with.

You are coming across as an absolute loon here.

I’m the same age as you and I’ll be honest to say that I’d be devastated if I thought my husband was in love with someone else. But is he in love with her? Does he just have a crush on her? Has she become “the forbidden fruit “ because you and the first wife hate her so much? Maybe if she’d been brought into your family as the family friend that she’s always been, maybe there wouldn’t this continual “big thing” about her? It seems from reading your post that she’s just got on with her life, got married, had kids etc and her crime is to turn up at funerals of people she was very close to. I think that’s pretty normal.

I can see how the happy new year has upset you if you absolutely think he’s in love with her….but from her point of view it might just simply be a very normal round robin text to do. Unfortunately your husband knows your reaction to her so he’s probably a nervous wreck. Again I’d be devasted I think if my husband called out another woman’s name during sex, but that’s a him issue, quite honestly not Sarah’s.

Again I’ll be honest with you, I don’t think I could bothered with all this at my age. I think I’d have to give myself the options of getting over it and getting on with my own marriage….accepting Sarah and looking at her in a different way (because really what’s her crime?)….or deciding I can’t accept it or get over it so decide to move on alone ….

Haha the mistress gets married to the man she was seeing while he was married and now is jealous as hell of another woman because she knows HE has form. Sarah has done nothing wrong here op.

There’s huge red flags here and they’re not coming from Sarah

You knew his wife, fucked him behind her back, stayed with him despite knowing he was apparently obsessed with Sarah, rushed into marriage, gave him a ridiculous ultimatum.

Your DH sounds like a bit of a freeloader who lies to you and you sound extremely jealous and controlling.

Yes you probably should get divorced do you’re both free from this car crash of a marriage. Though tbh sounds like you deserve each other.

And I think you’re an absolute CF to expect any sympathy here. I bet his ex wife is relieved as fuck she’s out of this mess.

Sarah obviously knows her presence, especially given her close history with your DH, will have an effect on your marriage as has already been proven in his previous marriage. No woman likes to feel she is playing second fiddle to a female 'friend'

You need to set boundaries and let your DH know exactly how you feel. If he is genuinely in love with Sarah & it's reciprocated they should end their respective marriages & get together. If not then they should both back off & get on with their own relationships and stop playing mind games.

Easy to blame Sarah for everything but she’s not the root cause.

What makes you think he is in love with her?

She’s done nothing wrong. She went to the funerals of two people she’s known almost her whole life and of whom she was very fond, despite a good friend’s wife giving her evil looks the whole time (which is very weird behaviour). She sent a friend a text wishing them a happy new year. She’s married with a family. Your husband’s feelings towards her (if they exist) aren’t her fault or her problem. You sound nuts.

It's your husband that's the problem. Leave him unless you're happy to be a convenience. He's had enough time to get on his feet and I'm sure he resents you for the loss of his career.

Sarah is the only likable person in this whole story.