toddler biting friend

[oregonianabroad]

My son (3.2yo) bit my friend's ds yesterday. It was unprovoked and he has done the same thing twice this week already (my foot, baby brother's arm) and left marks. This time was quite serious as he took skin off and made a deep indentation in my friend's little boy's hand. I was mortified, but remained calm and, after apologising profusely and cuddling the victim, said we were going home.

My friend (imo) completely undermined me by saying repeatedly that 1. it wasn't necessary to go home, and 2. i should just shout at him more firmly (this advice has been repeated often, not very helpfully, by this particular friend).

I wouldn't have minded so much if it was, 'oh, it's so not necessary for you to go home, he's alright now... Oh, OK, you obnviously feel that this is important and you want to make an impression, so I'm with you.' She went on and on, trying to prevent us leaving. It felt that there was a clear judgement of my tactic on her part. Am I being over-sensitive? I already felt like shit. Now I wonder if I did the right thing? And AIBU to think she should have accepted my way of dealing with it, or at least waited till we could talk privately before passing comment?

My son is 3.5 yrs old and is going through a really horrible biting stage at the moment. So far neither we or his nursery have found any strategy that prevents him from biting when he gets frustrated , but I agree that removing your son from the situation was probably the best thing to do in this case. It;'s unfortunate that your friend undermined you. Could you talk to her about it before you next meet and explain that you are trying to deal with the biting in your way and that you'd appreciate her support? Shouting at your son isn't going to help, btw - your friend is talking crap! It is very awkward when you have a 'biter', as you feel guilty and that can lead to you being more easily undermined when you are trying to be firm. I sympathise!

thanks mrsM, and sorry to hear you are going through this too.

he did seem genuinely contrite when we got home, and this morning said, 'next time we go to x's house, I will never, ever bite him again.' and I said, 'or anyone else?' and he said, 'no! it's very naughty to bite.'

fingers crossed.

do think I'll have to have a chat with my friend as we have had similar disagreements in the past, and I would never dream of interfering with the way she disciplines her child.

Yeh, sounds like it might be best to have a 'gentle' conversation about how to handle your different parenting styles now before it comes to blows later on down the line!
FWIW (not being negative here, just adding my experience) - my son is very bright and verbal and very good at telling me waht he's done, how it's very unkind and how he will never do it again...until the next time! I'm hoping he will grow out of it

Exactly.
Impusle control is zero.
I'm sure they both will grow out of it!

This happened to my Ds
He was bit and the skin was taken off by a friends little boy of the same age

It all happened at our house,my friend flipped she was so upset cos it was not the first time and she was at her wits end.
I got chocs and flowers to say sorry
WHY??

I think your friend was trying to make you feel better as you obviously felt bad over what ds had done to her ds

Think she went over the top a bit but feel she was trying to say please don`t and this is her way of showing it.IYWIM

They do grow out of it

My DD bit a friend's child when she was 3 and I was horrified. She would bite me and her sisters but had never bitten anyone else. It drew blood and freaked out the other child (who was also a biter btw tho had never bitten dd). My friend was very reasonable about it but obviously concerned about her son bleeding. WE didn't leave straight away as she said I didn't have to but I felt so bad I didn't go back round again for nearly a year!! She actually didn't contact me anyway but when we did eventually get together she said the only reason she hadn't got in touch was because every time she suggested inviting us over her ds completely freaked out - she said though that it taught him a lesson and he had never bitten another child since so in the longgterm it did him some good and thankfully dd grew out of it quickly too. I did feel so bad that I sent a xcard to apologise which she said wasn't necessary. I think that maybe I was too ott but it's better than acting like you don't care as a parent and you're just letting your child get away with it.

my dd now 8 went through a year long phase of biting age 3 - 4 and it was unbearable. Really random and very embarressing. I left friends houses on several occasions because she had bit another child and she got into trouble at nursery and later at school. It was very traumatic and no amount of calm reasoning or shouting seemed to work. So in the end (and i know this sounds harsh but we were at our wits end) we told her if she did it again we would take all her toys away. She did it again so we literally emptied her bedroon. All she had left was her bed and wardrobe. She was gradually allowed thing back a few at a time over several weeks but was told in no uncertain terms that if it happened again the things that had been temporarily removed would be thrown away. She didnt bite again and that reasoning still works now, if she is naughty i take something she cares about away, if she does it again she doesnt get it back.

my dd now 8 went through a year long phase of biting age 3 - 4 and it was unbearable. Really random and very embarressing. I left friends houses on several occasions because she had bit another child and she got into trouble at nursery and later at school. It was very traumatic and no amount of calm reasoning or shouting seemed to work. So in the end (and i know this sounds harsh but we were at our wits end) we told her if she did it again we would take all her toys away. She did it again so we literally emptied her bedroon. All she had left was her bed and wardrobe. She was gradually allowed thing back a few at a time over several weeks but was told in no uncertain terms that if it happened again the things that had been temporarily removed would be thrown away. She didnt bite again and that reasoning still works now, if she is naughty i take something she cares about away, if she does it again she doesnt get it back.

Thanks for your replies everyone, and reban I know how desperate you must have felt to do that -- we aren't quite there yet, but if this carries on for much longer, I might try similar.

I just wanted to add that biting is really common. Im a CM and over the last 6 years, and I have dealt with lots of biting incidents in my time, and can re-assure you that they do grow out of it.

I think you did the right thing removing the child. Also your friend may have just felt really bad for you, so she went over the top with asking you to stay. Sometimes it can be difficult being the parent of the child that has been bitten also IYSWIM.