To ask you to indulge me having a rant about my shit ex?

[Theghostofchristmasarse]

Going through financial order stuff with my ex. He started the divorce process without giving a thought to getting a consent order sorted, then applied for the final order before it was done. We came to an agreement which he is salty about because he thinks I'm rolling in it, I'm not.

I paid for the solicitor to sort the D81 and draft the consent order. Paid out nearly 2k because he kept delaying and she had to email him multiple times.

Judge came back with wanting more information, so he then sends a whinging letter to the solicitor about how his poor partner had little pension and needed to house her adult children so they need to buy a 5 bed house and how I've got an amazing pension and can retire at 60 (teacher, it's a great pension but I'll only get just enough to live on if I work part time until I'm 68) basically loads of irrelevant information which made it sound like he didn't agree with it anymore, only a few weeks after he'd signed it.

He ignored my emails over around 4 weeks and now finally has emailed to agreed to sign a letter from us both with more information about the share of equity and why we aren't sharing pensions, stating 'i just want it all over and done with'..no shit Sherlock, that's what I've been trying to do!

Today he was meant to leave the signed letter at my house when he picked up the kids as I'm at my partners....he's just texted to say he hasn't, because he wants to discuss it with me on Sunday when he drops them off.

FFS. It's totally factual, gives relevant information, is clear about the reasons for the split of equity...I'm so angry, I just want this whole thing finished.

I think he's feeling sore/guilty because he moved an hour away in the summer and now only sees the children every other weekend, whilst I deal with everything, I have two and both are SEN, one is at home because she stopped going to school in year 10, I've battled the LA for provision of or her and reduced my hours at work with no reduction in workload, just to make sure she has what she needs. He is a fun weekend dad with no clue what goes on day to day. He doesn't do emotions, gets angry and blames things on others when he can't work out what he's feeling.

Honestly I'm so bloody done, I just want to be able to have a proper moan, but I don't ever do this in front of the kids, and my partner (we don't live together) has had enough of hearing about it.

I'm undiagnosed but possibly ADHD and I'm just going to spiral about this all weekend now, my first child free time in over two weeks, I'm so angry that he can make me feel like this when I should be making the most of my weekend 'off'.

Aaaarrgh!!😡

Sometimes you just need to offload or your headache will last all weekend. Rant away !

Thank you! I just needed to get it out there, I've kept quiet about how much of a dick he's been because of the kids and in the hope of keeping things calm and amicable...but seriously wtf?

I know for a fact he has savings tucked away which he hasn't declared, I haven't said anything because I don't want any of it, I just need the equity so I can afford to buy a tiny three bed for me and the kids. Meanwhile he feels vindicated that he should get enough to live in luxury...he's delusional.

I feel your pain. I had a delusional ex also and it too 3 years to agree a financial settlement 😱 and this only happened moments we were about to go to full trial in front of a judge!
Do not meet in person to discuss. Stick to your position vis a vis a fair settlement. The courts see through the BS. It will pass eventually

He sounds like a skidmark on the underpants of society. May his next shit be a pineapple.

You should declare his savings that are tucked away. Not because you want any of it, but because the more cash/ funds he's got, the more likely the judge is to award you the current house equity, so you can buy something bigger for you and dc.

@RobertaFirmino and may his girlfriend have to deal with the aftermath!

I can't work out of he's stupid or trying to control the situation. His letter that he wanted to send the judge is laughable, it should have come with a tiny violin, makes him sound like he's going to be destitute on a joint salary of 120 grand a year trying to afford a 5 bed house, which he then said was to house her three children, all adults.

@Dillydollydingdong I know. I should have pushed him to declare it, but it would have just caused more problems and more delays, plus he sort of knows that I know about it, so it's a way of ensuring he wants to get it over with without having to go through form E.

I'm trying not to worry about what it is he wants to discuss, but no doubt he will want me to put something in about how poor he will be...he's got no frigging clue about what the purpose of the letter is, I think he thinks he is getting his chance to show the court how generous he is being. Trying to put it out of my mind.
Annoyingly he's off for a lovely long holiday (missing a weekend of contact without even asking) so I just need to get it done and sent, then hope that's all the court need to get it signed off.

@Moanranger God that sounds so stressful, it's only taken since August to get to this point, all because of his delays. Joke is I offered him less equity and he didn't want to change it then! I've been imagining all sorts of scenarios including court, I just can't seem to stop myself stressing about it all.

Can you just tell him there will be no discussion? You are happy with the contents of the letter and he can sign it or...you'll suddenly remember those savings he's got tucked away that haven't been declared. (Even if you've no intention of doing so).

I might just, it depends what it is he has an issue with...I might just tell him to take it up with chatgpt....I put in all the (redacted) documents, plus his letter, and asked it to write a formal letter to support it being signed off, checked it thoroughly and sent it to him days ago to check, explaining how I'd done it.

It is clear, truthful and gives context, but it's context he probably wants to ignore, like how I've had to reduce working hours and I do all day to day care and can't possibly earn any more without basically leaving my 15 year old alone for 10 hours a day. Whilst he fucks off on overseas trips every 3 months without a care in the world.

Obviously I didn't include that.

It’s all a bit complicated for me but I’ll indulge you anyway. He’s a fucking wanker and you’re doing brilliantly! Also a teacher with a SEN kid - almost impossible! It will all get better when the kids get a few years older I promise x

@Lamentingalways thanks for the solidarity! And yes, I know, it's do complicated, it really didn't have to be...it shouldn't have cost me this much either but it is what it is. I keep rereading the letter and I can't see anything he could have an issue with, apart from the fact I haven't made it sound like he's being the big man and being taken for a ride. He just doesn't understand the purpose of it, to get the agreement, which is more generous to me, to be signed off, feel like he wants 'his day in court' or something.

And thankfully yes, things are improving, slowly, but over the last 5 years I've dealt with DD having an eating disorder, self harming, wrecking the house, physically attacking me and getting down to 60% attendance, finally getting an EHCP, tribunal with the LA and barely holding onto my job as a consequence...he's had nothing to o do with any of it.

He doesn't give a shit though, when we were negotiating the split of equity he just kept saying ' I have to think of myself '...no consideration that I have to house the kids 85% of the time. Just selfish. But then that's why we aren't married anymore! I can at least be happy about that.

Just wish I could feel it was all done. Will get there eventually.

Sat here shaking. He's sent me an email, amending the letter and saying he now needs a 6 bed house because his girlfriend has her adult daughter and boyfriend living with them, plus her adult child who will need to move home after uni, plus her child who is there only 50% of the time...what the actual?? Oh and if it doesn't work out with the girlfriend he won't be able to buy a house because the equity isn't enough for him to buy a 3 bed.

So apparently after being given 3 chances to say he didn't agree, now he wants to change things.

I'm fuming.

At this point, I don’t think you’ve much to lose by giving him both barrels. Ask him whether he can actually hear himself. Ask him when you last got to swan off on exotic holidays three times per year, happy in the knowledge someone else was looking after the kids. Remind him that the court only cares about whether he can house himself and his kids when they visit, not live in a luxury 6 bed house because that’s what his girlfriend wants.

And ask him whether he’s so sure that he’ll look sympathetic or deserving to the judge if instead of showing a united front and submitting a joint agreement, that he’s prepared for you to submit everything you know about his finances, including the savings he thinks are hidden, and take his chances on the judge deciding the split for you. Remind him that you have tried to keep things moving forward because your concern is providing security for your children while he’s fucking off on holiday, dreaming of 6 bed houses, and by his own admission only thinking of himself.

Fuck me, but he’s a piece of work.

Message back "Fine, let's get the Form Es done instead. Remember, if you don't fill it in properly then it's considered contempt of court which is punishable by jail time. This means you will need to admit to the money you squirrelled away thinking I hadn't noticed. OR. You could just sign the damn letter".

Oh fuck that OP. What a dick! As pp. Said I'd go straight back to say that you're prepared to go through Form Es instead, reminding him this includes all savings. I'd also be tempted to say your priorities don't include other people's adult children's partners but your own shared dc, and ask if he can say the same.

Thank you. I'm trying not to cry, I'm shaking, I'm so fucking angry. I offered him a higher percentage over 3 months ago, he just signed the consent order anyway.

I've replied, said I've amended the letter, but that if he wants to renegotiate it'll require form E, a mediator and a new consent order which he will have to pay for.

He had the fucking cheek to say he needs to house her adult daughter who is at uni, because she's autistic and will need to move home after uni.

And in the same breath, saying that our 15 year old who hasn't attended school in 18 months will be fine to get a job at 18 with three gcses, hopefully, and then I can work full time. I still earn 25 grand less than him even at full time and he's not going to be having the children more! Plus I'm doing this all alone!

He's a fucking twat and I cannot believe I used to love him.

I've done the sums and I could still just about afford a house on 60% of the equity. Just. But why should I have to, I've paid over 20 grand off this mortgage completely alone.

Plus he's chosen to discuss this with the children at home and he gets nasty over money, it's all he cares about, plus his reputation. I'm not willing for them to see that.

What a pity you're busy tomorrow. If he's signed it I would refuse to change it now. And I wouldn't meet with him, ever, without someone else present that you know as a witness.

Yeah just go back and say he’ll need to do a form E then including all savings and the court will expect your shared DD that has an ECHP to need accommodating for years to come. They won’t however consider that he needs to accommodate his new partners adult children!

I hope you are claiming CMS.

He pays through agreement, less than he should but a very large chunk, he's always said he'd support the kids beyond 18, now he's saying they won't need it apparently. Because me saying they'll probably need support beyond normal timescales is doomsaying apparently.
My daughter does 9 hours of education a week. 9. But apparently when she turns 18 she can just leave education partway through a course and everything will be fine. But her kid who is at uni will still need to stay at home and her 24 year old daughter will need to be supported along with her boyfriend.
I've no doubt he's been discussing this in front of our children with his bitch of a girlfriend, which will have made them feel very uncomfortable. He's on his way here now, we are about to talk to my daughter about the new provision that I've found for her to increase her education to 13 hours a week to try to persuade her to give it a go. But he won't get the irony of that either.

@PullTheBricksDown he's on his way, he lives an hour away and he's off to Vietnam tomorrow for three weeks. I hope he gets the raging shits and gets all his money and passport stolen the moment he arrives in Hanoi. See how much she wants to buy a 6 bed house with him when she's had to deal with him pebble dashing the toilet and leaving it to fester as he used to when we lived together.

I've just realized she's going to be with him because he's only just learned to drive so needs his mum to accompany him on all drop offs. If she tries to come in and weigh in I'm telling him to take it to fucking court, I won't be bullied by him for a minute longer.

Well, you don’t have to let her in. I’m sure there’s a warm pub nearby where she can wait.

Well that was completely bizarre! She waited in the car...he basically just said no it's all fine I'll sign it.

I smell a coercive girlfriend. I have noticed that whereas we used to text occasionally with a funny thing the kids had done etc, since then getting together he's been very different (he's had girlfriends before and was the same, we joked about dates I'd gone on etc) that if he's at home he doesn't reply or if he does it'll be very curt, when she's not around he's much more chatty. The email he sent was very much I don't agree because it's not fair and I want to change it, poor me, my girlfriend's kids are going to suffer etc....whereas just now he basically said nope, nothing to worry about.

I wonder if she was over his shoulder telling him what to write, so he's done it to get her off his back. I have literally no idea what is going on, but letter signed...let's hope the judge now just seals the consent order and it's all done.

He did say oh we can have the kids more once we have a bigger house...he's got no idea, he lives an hour away from my sons new secondary school and anything else they do, it's ridiculous, even if he offered to have them every weekend I'd still do everything for them.

But, relax now, at least it's signed.

Well that was completely bizarre! She waited in the car...he basically just said no it's all fine I'll sign it.

MIL has read this thread and had words? Whatever though...

WHOOHOO!! 🍾🍸

Ha unlikely, she's abroad and doesn't really do social media.

I hopefully can finally relax now though...just got to wait on the court I guess. If they come back and say it's unfair I don't know what I will do.

But yes...🍾