Ex refusing to share pick ups from boarding school

[Mumoffurrybeast]

My ex is reusing to collect our kids from boarding school (100 miles) and will only collect them from me 17 miles away. This is because I asked him pay the correct amount of maintenance. He says he pays maintenance for me to do all the driving. I have told him that I will pick up if he drops back off (and I’ll deduct his costs from CM). This way the kids get a bit of stability in that they go to one of us for half the holidays and then to the other. At the moment, they come to me for a weekend. My ex for 5 days and then back to me for a weekend and I take them back. It’s not good for the kids and it’s not good for me. I’m at the point of saying if I get them, they stay with me. If he wants to see them, he can do half the travel. For context, we are both in the Armed Forces hence need for boarding school. We always used to do shared travel but he was close to school and has now moved. What should I do?

If they are coming to you you collect, if he is he does.
Sounds like they are old enough to understand and coordinate it with them himself and not involve you at all

Who choose the school? Can you see it as a bonus that you get a full debrief of their term / holiday time with ex whilst on ‘his’ time? Is it worth rocking the boat for?

can you make it into a fun trip and stop somewhere on the way there/back to see if you can manipulate him into thinking he’s missing out?

I would probably tell him if I collect them, then they are coming home with me. If he wants his contact time, then he collects them himself.

What do the kids think? How old are they?

Does it mean you’d be doing 6 trips a year anyway but you’re now doing 12 and it’s roughly a 3 hour round trip? So it’s 18 hours driving per year for an additional 9 hours with your kids?

You already lived 100 miles away from BS and he moved to be 17 miles from you. If there’s a not a good reason, that’s creepy!

And yes, I think the message that if you pick up, he can get them from you but he will drive back. Why do you deduct his costs then?

If he has half the parenting time, why is he paying maintenance though? I don’t know much about BS and the Armed Forces and CM.

We chose the school together. They are normally quite tired and grumpy when they get back so the first weekend I get no quality time. He gets them for five days and then they come back to me tense as they are heading back to school. I’m getting no quality time with them.

If they did half the holidays with you and half with him, and the rest of the time at Boarding School, surely he wouldn't need to pay maintenance at all, would he? Or have I misunderstood?

We chose together knowing we would both be posted wherever the Army sends us.

They spend majority of their holidays with me as primary carer

Just coincidence he got posted close to me

I also do 2 weekends a month and he does none.

Yes, I understand that they spend more time with you at the moment, but you seemed to be suggesting that it would be split more evenly if he collected them? Sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick.

FWIW, if you chose the school together, I don't think yabu to want him to do half of the journeys.

“Hi ex, I’ve had a rethink on arrangements. From now on, it will be your responsibility to collect the kids, half way through the holidays they will come to me, and I’ll take them back at the end. This will be better and more settled for them, and demonstrates both their parents are committed to their wellbeing. Maintenance payments are irrelevant to this.”

So he’s a proper arsehole then?

It would be the same amount of time just in coherent blocks. So, in a half term of 9 days 4/5 with me and the rest with him. At the moment they go back and forward between us a couple of times in a half term so 2 days with me, then 4/5 with him then another 2 with me. They never really settle properly. Longer hols are not so bad but even so, a consistent week with me and then with him would be better.

How long before you or ex might be moved elsewhere?

Do you know what, I couldn’t have put that better! Clear, direct, without emotion and puts emphasis on kids well being. Thank you

not more than a year I would think