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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to leave DS16 at home?

13 replies

singlemum2025 · 09/01/2026 08:18

3 kids, 11,14 and 16. All have the same dad but eldest went to live with his dad a couple of years ago. He has been on some big holidays with his dad where the other two didn’t go/get invited. We’ve had whole family holidays every year where he has come with us. The other two have been questioning why their brother gets to go away so often and have extra holidays. He also has his GCSE’s this year and we were thinking to go away at half half term to keep costs down. AiBU to not bring him this time?

We have also been on UK holidays with extended family which in the last 1.5 years he declines to come on which upsets me and most recently has only really messaged if he wants something money wise (I know this is typical teen behaviour but it’s still quite upsetting) so I kind of feel like he isn’t putting in effort to spend time with us and his siblings/extended family so why should we go to the expense of bringing him when he can’t be bothered. I feel awful feeling like that, we do generally have a good relationship but his dad has a big emotional sway over him. I’m also conscious I don’t want to push him further away but also just as worried about the other two feeling like he is being favourited by his dad and so trying to balance it out a bit too.

OP posts:
ShesTheAlbatross · 09/01/2026 08:26

I don’t think a productive solution to the other two feeling like their dad favours their brother, is for you to favour them.

cramptramp · 09/01/2026 08:27

I’d offer to take him. He’ll probably refuse.

WasThatACorner · 09/01/2026 08:28

Having a holiday without him isn't necessarily wrong but if your motivation is because he isn't putting in much effort or he is getting more than the others I think it will only damage your relationship longterm.

vanillalattes · 09/01/2026 08:29

The answer to your younger kids feeling pushed out is not for you to push out your oldest.

RampantIvy · 09/01/2026 08:30

Which half term are you talking about? If it is the one at the end of May then I don't imagine he will get much revision done.

caramac04 · 09/01/2026 08:30

Why doesn’t their dad take the younger two on holiday?

Chipper28 · 09/01/2026 08:30

Agree with the other comments, you can't favour your younger kids to even out what your ex is doing. Why doesn't he take the younger ones on holiday too? What's the backstory?

temperance75 · 09/01/2026 08:32

So your youngest gets pushed out by their dad, so you want your oldest to feel the same by you?

singlemum2025 · 09/01/2026 08:42

Sorry drip feed he also moaned a lot of last years holiday and didn’t want to join in for large parts of it! That is also another factor of not wanting to take him as he made it quite difficult at times! I know we should take him, it’s just frustrating!

I have no idea why the dad doesn’t take the younger two. We have no contact, he was quite emotionally abusive (which is how DS ended up going to live with him - offered him a big amount of money and guilt tripped him he would be homeless otherwise - he basically used DS to get housed when leaving his girlfriend) it’s a very messy situation from his side one which I’ve tried to be as stable as possible but think now he’s there he’s missing a lot of school and social workers got involved etc however he won’t come home as he doesn’t want to leave his dad and wants his own room… he said if I move to a bigger house he would move back in. I don’t want to push him out at all he is always invited with us to everything we do but declines unless it’s something that gets him something if that makes sense?

OP posts:
TiredofLDN · 09/01/2026 08:44

Depends if you want to build a better relationship with your son really doesn’t it?

Taking him on holiday away from his fathers influence might be exactly what you need to draw the family closer again?

Pineneedlesincarpet · 09/01/2026 08:47

Poor boy to have to live with an emotionally abusive parent. He sounds unhappy OP? You must invite him. He needs to know he will always be part of your family. (Agreed re the revision though if it's May half term).

singlemum2025 · 09/01/2026 08:56

I think he is happy at the moment he has gone through unhappy parts and we’ve always been there for him he basically came back to live over the summer last year quite a lot. He also craves his dad’s attention though so it’s hard and unless he’s living there his dad makes no effort really so that plays a big factor! At his dad’s he is basically raising himself! His nan (dad’s mum) is also quite involved but is no contact with her own son so that’s what we are working with! I will invited him and try and change it to a different time. I will need to work out when his exams finish. Thanks for talking sense into me I feel like sometimes I overthink it all too much. His dad has torn the family apart by separating the siblings it really is awful! I worry alot about how it will affect them all when they are older!

OP posts:
mamajong · 09/01/2026 09:41

Yabu. Its shit that the dad favours one but the solution is not to favour the others by excluding the eldest, the issue is your ex not your DS

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