Dh - so fed uo

[Fedupmummy88]

Am so fed up of DH. Been together nearly 20 years and just so fed up

For reference we have 2 children (10 & 5) and both work full time

In the past 24 hours I have been moaned at for all of the below:
Tesco substituted something on thefood shop with cheap brand version, which DH moaned was awful (its not even thay bad)

Moaned that he couldn't find 2 things (one child's toy, the other s food item - turns out he was in a strop about the above issue and hadn't even looked properly)

Moaned that i tried to help by bringing something downstairs and that I was interfering

This morning I was on the treadmill (on an incline walk, looking down at my ipad with headphones in) and didn't notice him waving in the window (when it was pitch black!) As he was leaving for work reminding me to put the bin out

Last night moaned that I wanted to spend 15 minutes on the my ipad doing something instead of cuddling up to him, when th day before he had spent the whole evening (from 5pm - 11pm) on his ipad playing a game with his mates

Moaned I didn't immediately come and help do dinner (which consisted of taking some things out of then overnight and putting on a plate) while instead I was helping youngest DC do something which was more important

And this is all since 5pm last night when I got home from work

Sounds exhausting. Have you sat down and calmly talked about how you feel?

Does he constantly moan or is this new?

It sounds like he is mostly doing some of the house stuff, although an entire evening gaming may suggest otherwise?

What's his normal? If it's not this, there's something wrong. If it's this, then I get why you're fed up but I don't get why you've not talked to him about it. Told him how you feel and what needs changing.

You say “moaning” .. wasn’t he just asking / enquiring / commenting on things ? Do you badge everything as “moaning”?

“I don’t like the Tesco cheap substitute” seems reasonable.

Subsition - tell him to go shopping in the shop himself if it pisses him off that badly.
window thing - come on you don’t have xray vision.
ipad thing - you don’t give cuddles/sex on demand.
dinner - its not difficult to plate food up hes being silly.

was it just a off day? Or is he always like that?

So for context

The moaning about the substitution was followed by a lot of slamming drawers and moaning about how I should have sent it back etc

He generally does dinner however the rest of thebhousework falls to me (washing, dishwasher, organising etc) he will hoover as apparently indon't hoover to his standards so i don't bother anymore

I have tried talking to him or explaining why something has been done...his answer is i don't want excuses just do it right (ie his way) next time

What does he say when you talk to him about the constant moaning?

How do you respond to that? That’s quite rude of him, its supposed to be a partnership not a dictatorship.

He sounds draining and over dramatic.

Time for a serious chat about what is bothering him. I mean the underlying issue, rather than the trivial stuff he’s focusing on.

He slammed drawers etc because of one bad substitute???

Man baby.

call him out.

He slammed drawers etc because of one bad substitute???

Man baby.

call him out.

Is he always like this or having an off day?

Yep man baby sums it up
Is this a recent change or has he always been like this? Has something changed for him recently? Could he be depressed or stressed at work and taking it out on you?
Not making excuses but if it’s a change in behaviour it might be something you can work on together, if it’s just him you need to consider what life would be like if you left him

It sounds like you are both fed up.

The problem here is that you don’t like him any more. Nor he you. It isn’t surprising about him, because he sounds awful.,

This is standard behaviour. Its everyday. He will.moan about everything i do but if I call him out on something he turns it back on me and how it was my fault anyway

But then expects me to want to cuddle up and be nice to him after a day of being moaned at made to feel like i'm useless

Right, but do you ever talk to him about his moaning in general? Not about specific incidents

Sounds quite draining. I'm getting he comes across as controlling, has he always been like this or are you just noticing?

Why could he not put the bins out while he was out there before going to work? Did he give you a hard time for not seeing him trying to get your attention?

Your hoovering not to his standards, who says this to a loved one?

I guess as he's getting older, it'll get worse, he'll become less tolerant.

Feeling for you.

When he moans, it’s his problem not yours. Never get defensive. You don’t need to explain anything to him.
If he moans about something and you want to reply, just switch it back to him “you’re very particular about this task. You do it from now”
You can also respond with “Do you know, this evening all you’ve done is moan about this, moan about that. Can you stop now?”
Then you can respond with “you’re moaning again” every time he does.
Make him
aware of it and show him you’re not tolerating it anymore.

OP, I feel all of your pain and at some point decided to take my life back and no longer live in torment and misery. It's not fair, his pain is not yours and you sound quite worn down by him. Try and detach, walk away ( mentally) and live your happy carefree life. But, I am really curious to know why men find it hard to go into a cupboard or fridge and look with their eyes. Move one item and search for what they're looking for. I refused to be his eyes and find what I knew was there. What's wrong with them. Serious question. Sorry OP, you are not alone.👭

He seems to think he’s your boss.

It is clear what the behaviour is, but it doesn’t sound like you have actually addressed it with him in a calm manner when tempers aren’t running high?

If he’s totally unapproachable then I would separate.

My dh fell into a pattern of being casually grumpy and critical - it’s a product partly of being tired, a bit bored of life, and the complacency that comes with knowing you can get away with it in a long term relationship.

Like your dh, mine likes things done a certain way - it took me ages to realise it does cause him real stress when things are not perfectly tidy and neat (he grew up in what I call a “catalogue home” - his mum kept her house perfect; there were no bookshelves, no mementos; just a few photos on display).

So we have regularly sat down to recalibrate what is a reasonable compromise regarding running the home - he does a lot of housework, I do shopping and cooking and life admin and he accepts the house will not be perfect. In exchange I try hard to keep it basically tidy and clean. At the same time I have stated very clearly that I will not put up with incessant moaning and I will call it out plainly. And I do - it’s a light-hearted “you’re being grumpy today - is there something worrying you?” And if he says “no I am just fed up of x y and z” then I say, “right then you need to talk to me about it properly, not just whinge.”

Over time he has fixed most of his behaviour and I have become more aware of his needs so that we run an efficient, organised if not entirely tidy home.

It took years to get to this point - we both privately eye-roll at each other’s foibles I’m sure, but now it feels more like a partnership and less like him trying to impose his will on the household by “making his displeasure known”. I’m guessing that’s how he was brought up so he just mirrors that behaviour. His mum is very chilled out now and if she notices his grumpiness occasionally she calls it “getting out of the bed the wrong way by side” which amuses me.

“I don’t want excuses, just do it the right way next time.”

He thinks he’s the boss and gets to tell you what to do, say and think.

He also thinks he’s entitled to use you as his emotional punchbag to take out trivial frustrations on.

As you have kids you might want to try relationship counselling rather than just walk away but it seems likely that these beliefs are based on quite deep rooted character traits and misogyny so can’t be fixed. Do your kids notice how he belittles and bullies you? Can you honestly imagine growing old with this man?

This sounds so toxic and it sounds like this way or the high way!

I would not tolerate it- and if he was open to it. Maybe you can fix it.

We say in our house- we are solution focused. We don’t bitch and whine we find solutions and let it go.