Husband has lost the plot and accused me of an affair!

[GingerGill]

I am so fucking angry - talk me down!

in November went and got an armpit and bikini as I was going to a work event and wearing a posh dress - wanted to feel and look nice! Black tie event. Mainly went to get armpits done (I’m quite lean and shaving the hollow isn’t easy with one hand! But decided to get my bikini line done at the same
time. Husband though this was
suspicious as I don’t normally get my bikini line done except for holidays. I told him he was being ridiculous and left it there but I was offended.

This morning he accused me of doing my bikini line myself and said that was weird given everyone would be out the house today….. and I’d asked
him some timings about his comings and goings (for valid reasons). He made the same comment re: suggesting I was having an affair.

i told him that was twice now and there’d be a problem if it was said a third time.

Just now he insinuated it again saying ‘all roads lead to Rome’ and I lost it with him and said I wanted him to leave.

For clarity, I never have and never would cheat on him. Together 25 years and a good life with young adult kids.

I am furious! Help me understand what on earth he’s up to!?

I’d say it was more likely the other way around

He’s most likely projecting his past and/or present behaviour onto you. He’s the one who’s had or is having an affair

He's having an affair & wants to make splitting up your fault, & then present the other woman as his new partner in a couple of months time.

I’m not trying to piss you off but what happens when you have an affair, is after a while it hits you just how easy it is to hide, so you start to get paranoid and think well if I can do it this easily, maybe they are doing it too. That’s why those who have affairs accuse the other person of doing it.

I would be suspicious of him.

That was my thoughts as well. Sorry OP.

He’s the one having the affair.

Hmm sounds like he's judging you by his own standards 🤔 I'd be suspicious of what he's been up to!

I agree with all of the pps, sorry op.

I disagree with all the PPs. Yes he could be having an affair, of course anyone can. But isn't it more likely that he is insecure and feeling a lacking in confidence? And wondering why you are doing these things "not for him"? I don't want that to sound gross, no woman should ever change body hair for a man obviously. You're doing it for yourself. But he may be seeing it as "doing it for someone else". I think you've been heavy handed in this. Is he someone who may have anxious attachment?

Is he usually jealous? 25 years is quite a long time to suddenly become jealous like this. It is slightly concerning

Sorry OP I agree with the previous posters. He appears to be projecting :(

My ex accused me of cheating when he was doing it. It was absolutely bonkers and unfounded suspicion. Very obvious later that he was looking for things to make himself feel better. Yours has accused you three times?!

He’s probably just joking with you - pulling your leg!

Yeah, hilarious.

Men often accuse when they are guilty themselves. I would be furious.

Gaslighting and DARVO. It's part of The Script that a man having an affair will accuse his wife/partner of having an affair, as a justification for what they're doing.

Sorry, but it sounds like he is having an affair, and setting the scene for his justification and to make you the bad guy.

Same experience here. Except it wasn't because of a wax, but because I was using body lotion. He insisted I was having an affair as otherwise why would I be using body lotion....

Guess who was actually having the affair. Yip, not me.

It's a classic sign OP.
The fact that you asked him to leave makes me think that there are other things that you've picked up on too.

I’ve read loads of posts on MN where someone says my DH has started grooming himself more, taking care of himself and then has been away with work and everyone has jumped on shouting he’s shagging a colleague…so why is this any different? Reverse the roles and it’s seen on here as an affair all the way.

Im not talking you down. Be rightfully and justifiably angry, dont take this shit from him.

Oops, I've done this to my DH before. I was just in a really bad place and felt very insecure. It took ages for him to convince me that he wasn't having an affair. It honestly was all in my head but every little thing I saw him do made me believe it.

Sorry but in these cases it is almost always that he is having an affair and projecting.

Remember that this is mumsnet.

If a woman thinks her husband is having an affair, he's having an affair. If a husband thinks his wife is having an affair, he's having an affair.

It's similar to the way that if a man says all his ex's were awful then he's an abuser. Whereas if a woman says all her ex's were awful, then all her ex's were abusers.

Have you suddenly started taking more care of your bikini line than you would do normally OP?

Does he have a friend or colleague who's wife's been cheating? it could be making him paranoid.

I mean, you can see why he would be a bit suspicious if this is unusual for you to care much about your bikini line except if you were going on holiday. Is that the case? Have you suddenly started keeping it more trim recently?

As women we always watch out for the signs. If our partner/DH suddenly starts wearing aftershave or shaving more often or anything in their routine suddenly changes then it automatically sparks suspicion. Seems like this is what is happening here with him. Especially since he feels you have done your bikini line and then have quizzed him on his whereabouts. It would get the cogs turning. Would it not if it was the other way round?

Just putting it out there.

I trust my DH completely and for the most part wouldn't think anything of him suddenly taking more care of himself and wouldn't automatically assume an affair. But then again repeated behaviour and I can't say it would never cross my mind. We are always told to trust our instincts aren't we?

It has obviously insulted you that he has even thought that you would do this and its hurt you. But wanting him to leave? That's a bit dramatic unless there is some backstory here and your relationship isn't good and he is always accusing you of things and is jealous and controlling.

Can you not just talk to one another?