What would you do?

[RexMyDarling]

I’m a little upset about something - it’s a bit of a first world problem but I just wanted other perspectives on it.

i am a great reader and I have two friends with whom I share this passion. We’re all mums of neurodivergent children and have all worked together in the past. It’s been a lovely friendship on the whole. Although one woman, we’ll call her Pam has a kid the exact same age as mine and they’re friends so our friendship has developed more and Pam is always there for me in every way and we are incredibly close friends who see each other a lot. We always try to include our other friend, let’s call her Betty but she doesn’t often come. We get why it might be awkward as we need to do stuff with our young kids and hers are older.

in fact every time we try to do stuff we invite her and she either doesn’t reply or cancels. Fair enough she doesn’t have to come! But we have both offered her enormous emotional support during the last two years when she’s been having difficulties with her career. Offering practical help too. All without expectations.

anyway sorry this already too long! So I did a masters in creative writing and was looking for people to read my finished novel (she’s a reader as i said) . She volunteered and said that it would be difficult because she doesn’t have a kindle and doesn’t really read on one. There was no obligation for her to read my work but clearly it isn’t total trash as it’s got me a masters! So I lent her a spare kindle.

18 months on, she hasn’t read my book and I decided I’d ask for my kindle back so I could lend it to another friend who wants to read my book but is too poor to buy her own kindle. I hoped we’d meet up but she didn’t want to so I asked her if she could send it.

heard nothing about it. But then I asked again and she said she’s lost the kindle. And I was upset and really didn’t know what to say. Pam said to me, what would I do if the situation was reversed and I would buy a brand new kindle and have it sent to her.

today I’ve had a second hand kindle from eBay delivered to me with a kindle case that doesn’t fit - it’s for the wrong model and is clearly used and is a bit mucky.

Im a bit surprised that she hasn’t done what I’d do and has sent me a quite crappy old kindle from an unknown source. It’s not how I would behave. My dh says not everyone behaves the way I would and shouldn’t have such high expectations.

i kinda feel that she’s showed that she doesn’t value my friendship and I shouldn’t really bother any more. If someone shows you who they are - believe them. Am I overreacting? Am I being daft? If it affects anyone’s opinion, she earns more than I do.

No, you're not overreacting. A friend should treat you and your possessions with respect. She didn't, which means she doesn't value the friendship anyway.

I didn’t ask for a replacement. I didn’t know what to do. That’s why Pam asked me what I’d do “because that’s how a friend behaves”. I openly said to Betty I don’t know what to say.

Is the Kindle you received of a comparable age/spec to the lost one? I agree that having lost someone's possession and kept quiet about it till prodded, Betty has behaved poorly, and it would have been a nice gesture to send you a new one, but Betty isn't an insurance company; new for old replacement is not an obligation.

Edited as I got Pam and Betty confused.

She said she’d replace it and ask me what model I had. I said. And that was the end of the conversation.

we saw each other in July.

You lent the kindle to Betty? But Pam told her you would replace if situations reversed?

How old was the kindle you lent? I'm not sure I would expect a brand new kindle if the one you lent was a few years old, and I don't think I could expect, from a friend a new kindle if the one I lent wasn't new

Its crap that she wasn't honest and transparent that she lost it though, I'd be disappointed that she clearly hoped it would never be mentioned again

Assuming it wasn’t a brand new kindle, she replaced like for like, apart from the case. I guess your friend just needs it to read the book. Assume it’s in full working order?

You are quite right. She has replaced it with the same model I lent her. But the case has not been replaced because it is just got this one with it that doesn’t fit.

its partly because it is from eBay - she’s just had it sent to me (totally unsolicited by me) and rather than nothing (which would have been ok - an apology might have been enough?)or something brand new (which is what I’d do) I’ve got a crappy halfway house that is somehow more insulting? (And I didn’t ask for it.) does that make sense?

Sort of. I agree an apology was most certainly in order. I don't agree that this Kindle isn't an improvement on nothing. It's a shame about the case but if it came direct from eBay, Betty couldn't have foreseen that.

Pam has only talked to me this situation. When I said I was a bit upset that Betty had lost my kindle Pam said to me what would I do in the reverse situation and Pam suggested that is what I should expect Betty to do because “she’s my friend.”

I didn’t have any actual expectations because I was just upset that she’d lost the kindle.

she doesn’t know if it works or anything - that’s why it’s upsetting. She’s couldn’t foreseen it, true but that shows such carelessness.

^She said she’d replace it and ask me what model I had. I said. And that was the end of the conversation.
we saw each other in July.^

Goodness me. We are now in Janyuary 2026.

She's not a friend and has basically stolen your Kindle from you.

Fuck her off out of your life.

I suppose she could have had it delivered to herself and then sent it on, but I assume she trusted the eBay seller - can you see the seller's details, do they have decent feedback? I imagine she didn't want to add to the expense by having to repackage and post it to you.

I do see where you're coming from. If I lost someone's Kindle I would be mortified - I'd probably ask whether they'd prefer a new one or one of the same model (as some people prefer a particular older novel) - but, while I am by no means rolling in money, I could comfortably afford to replace it with a new one if I had to. We don't know Betty's circumstances. Could her frequent declining of invitations or cancelling point to her being on a strict budget?

I'd also add into this mix that there is an awkwardness in being asked to read someone's novel. I've been in this position myself. It's fine if you really like the novel, but if you can't get into it - not necessarily because it's no good, just because it isn't your style - reading it then becomes a chore which you keep putting off, and it can take some courage to tell someone you didn't finish their book because you didn't like it. That may account for Betty avoiding you, and avoiding direct contact in replacing your Kindle.

I think you're being a bit precious. She replaced a used kindle with a used kindle, a kindle you don't really need as you have gone without it for 18 months. That aside, I don't think she wants to be your friend, it sounds like she is trying to politely distance herself from you.

Hmm she said she didn’t read on a kindle which I would take to mean she doesn’t like reading on one and you should have then given her an ‘out’ for reading your book, instead you’ve given her a kindle which gives her a problem of feeling obliged to read your book in a format she isn’t keen on plus the responsibility of looking after the device. She probably put it away in a safe place and just never got around to reading it, avoiding you because she found the situation incredibly awkward. Then the poor woman has realised she can’t actually find the kindle and is now out of pocket for a replacement.

I can understand that it’s annoying but I’m assuming you didn’t lend her a brand new kindle 18 months ago so you’ve probably got back something comparable to what you lent.

Sometimes we realise some people don’t respect or look after our possessions and now you’ve learnt this about Betty.

This is utterly true. I’ve been assuming that all the brain dumping from her and tears and wotnot have been signs of friendship but she’s been using me as free sounding board/ego boost for ages. D’oh! Feel a fool!