Am I overreacting

[Unsure1012]

Apologies if this is a long one.

21 years together. 11 married, 2 kids 13 & 7.

Long history of my emotional needs not being met, no ‘date nights’ or weekends away unless booked by me. Brought to his attention numerous times, have been in couples counselling twice. I think I believe him when he says he loves me but I think he’s an avoidant personality and emotionally unavailable.

A couple of example to show this:

1. I struggled with my MH a few years back and spent a day in bed crying and when he asked what was wrong I told him I was struggling and I needed help. He said I think you should talk to your sister about this.
2. The struggle I went through was related to a pregnancy loss, 6 years later and he has never mentioned or discussed it.

In July, while on holiday, I caught him on social media actively searching a co worker on a social media site and watching her videos. 20 odd years younger. I told him I was uncomfortable with this, I was upset and told him he had crossed a line. I was on his phone with him right next to me searching something because mine was either dead or not in the room - totally normal occurrence so I wasn’t snooping. He had been in the bathroom for quite a while before I found this and we weren’t being intimate because I had my period. You can guess what was happening.

Fast forward to a couple of nights ago. I felt something was off. Looked at his phone on the same site, I just had a feeling. And I was right. Not just one search of the same person - I saw two and then felt so sickened I didn’t want to look anymore. Immediately confronted him - all apologies, he loves me so much, he was stupid, it means nothing. This search was at 1.15 in the morning, while I was in the bed next to him.

I know for a fact that the woman in question has zero interest in him and there are no messages or otherwise between them - I am in no doubt about that.

But I feel sick about it. I don’t know if I can move on. Am I overreacting?

Apologies if my punctuation is off or if I’m not making much sense. I’m just blindsided and I don’t know if I am having an appropriate reaction to this. Can anyone advise on how they would feel in this situation?

I’m so embarrassed about this that I can’t talk to anyone in real life.

Please don't be embarrassed OP. You have done nothing wrong. It's your H who should be embarrassed perving on his work colleague.

Saying he loves you is meaningless if it's not backed up with actions and deeds. He doesn't act like a man who loves you.

You say you have repeatedly tried to talk to him and you have had counselling but it hasn't changed things. Perhaps it's time to think about what the future would look like if you separated.

That is exactly where I am at - looking at what the future would like not being together. I just can’t believe he would be so stupid. We’ve just moved house also to make things ten times worse.

I'm sorry this is happening. I'd say it's clearly an unreciprocated crush on his part but that doesn't stop it being hurtful.

Tell him that if he doesn't stop you'll have to split up. Otherwise you just don't be able to trust him and that is no way to carry on a relationship.

He’s touching his manhood over a female colleague? And looking at her multiple times? THATS CREEPY! You absolutely have a right to feel a certain way and I’m so sorry you’re going though this.

@mumstheword1x In July I told him that if it happened again then I was done. Yet he has gone and done it again. I am just gobsmacked at the level of disrespect towards me and the not giving a monkeys about it potentially splitting us up. I have asked over and over if it was really worth it. He has approached another counsellor to make an appointment to try and work through it but what is the point as we will probably be back in the same scenario in a few months time.

@BillieWiper I never had him down as a creep but yes, it is just plain creepy. Once could be labelled as curiosity - not knowing how many times it has actually happened just makes it weird.