As a mum, how much should you share with teen?

[theprincessthepea]

I have a teen daughter, and I’m aware that she isn’t quite the adult, but isn’t a child either. And I’m wondering if I overshare.

A friend of mine is going through a divorce. Her DD is acting out, so as friends we have offered to be there and help out, have a word, or organise days out to keep the girl out of trouble.

I recently split with my partner, and we have had a lot going on, and I’ve told my DD a PG version of what has happened, but she has been kept in the loop - I honestly don’t know if I’m oversharing, but she’s responding and I’m checking in regularly.

Why? Because my parents divorced when I was 14 and I see a lot of myself in my DDs friend. I spiralled, became withdrawn and was probably depressed after my parents divorce. And when I ask adult me, what would I have wanted then, I think that I would have wanted more transparency around what was happening - to this day I have no idea what happened between my parents and I would have appreciated a PG version of events (maybe?).

So my friend and her DD are really not getting on. Her DD is hanging out with a scary crowd of people now and her DD is showing so much anger towards her mum - I did all of that, so not judging - but wondering if I’m being unreasonable to advice her to be a little more open with her DD instead of treating her like a kid and not disclosing some information as to why they are separating.

I have mixed 2 stories in 1 (mine and my friends) so I hope it’s not too difficult to follow.

Do not get involved with another woman's child! You have little idea of what has been said. Her mum is probably well aware of the group of friends and her daughter's anger. You could make things worse and ruin your relationship with your friend. Only offer advice if it's asked for

Why does your daughter need to be kept in the loop? You're not helping anyone, you're just gossiping

It’s tricky, sometimes having information can help, sometimes it’s a burden young people don’t need to carry. I’d be very child led, by which I mean I’d answer any questions directly in an age appropriate way, and be clear that they can ask any questions they want to.

In regards to your friend and her daughter - stay out of it. Certainly listen to your friend but don't offer advice based on your daughter. They are two different people and react to things in different ways.

Be very careful about how much you share with your daughter. Remember what you see as keeping her in the loop, could be a burden to her and secretly stressing her out.

I am very much in favour of having as much openness, honesty and age-appropriate transparency as possible between parents and their children. My own mother tried not to burden me with what she perceived to be "adult stuff", but she was rubbish at hiding her own emotions (or perhaps I was just very good at reading them!) and the lack of information only fuelled my anxiety and speculation about what was actually going on. I took a very different approach with my own dd, and I know that she has been grateful for the transparency because she hasn't ever had to second guess what I might not be telling her.

The key question for me is to think about why you are sharing something with your child. If you are sharing information for their benefit, because you think they have a right to know what's going on and/or you think it's better for them to know the reality than to speculate or whatever, then I think it's fine to share as much as you see fit, as long as you do so in a sensitive, balanced and age-approptiate way. If, on the other hand, you are sharing stuff with your child because you need to vent, because you want to get them "on your side" or because you are looking for emotional support for yourself, then that isn't fair at all - it isn't a child's job to be an emotional crutch for their parents, and such conversations should be reserved for friends, partners, professionals or other adult family members as appropriate.

I expect the teen DD knows much more about what's going on than her mum realises, so she might as well be reasonably honest about the divorce. Treating her teen like an idiot is not going to be helpful, but I wouldn't go into gory details (if there are any).

I am very open with mine and they are fairly clued in kids now.

Is it your own breakup you are talking to her about? That is fine. If it is her friends mother then say nothing as you are showing your daughter it is ok to gossip.

I left a v abusive marriage in which all of my children were also abused by their father. I have refused to share my views on him with the children throughout. They just don’t need to know. They know I left him because his behaviour was unacceptable. They know that what he did to them was abuse and that that is unacceptable. They don’t need any information or details about what I endured. What they already know is bad enough, and is enough. Children need to be children. It may be that you’re looking back now as an adult and wishing you’d known more but you were a child at that point and it’s just not appropriate or necessary. Validate this young person/your daughter’s feelings and experiences, but don’t give them info they don’t need.

I agree with your approach. Have always been honest with my DC about things that impact them in an age appropriate way, and been open to answer any reasonable question, while retaining the right to say "That parts private" when it was.
As far as your friends concerned, I'd not offer unsolicited advice. After all, you don't know for certain that her and your respective approaches have been the reason for your DDs different responses. There are all sorts of other things at play, like the personality and emotions of the two girls. If the conversation came up, I'd tell her how I'd approached it if it seemed appropriate, but more in a sharing experience rather than an advice giving way.

I am fairly open and straightforward with my teens in an age and stage appropriate way.

But don't get involved with the mum and daughter. Give advice only when asked. Your role as a friend is to be a supportive and listening ear. Not to get involved and fix things.

Is your ex-partner your DD’s father?

Sorry I think my post is a little confusing.

So my DDs friend's mum (I'll call her Perri) has actually come to us, as her friends, for support. We usually do group days out for the girls as we live in a city that has alot going on, so whilst they go out alone, we also do group days. Perri has reached out to a group of us, as mums, highlighting what is happening. She has also reached out for some advice. When I catch up with her, I will let her lead - and share my own experience, but not from a point of view where she must take it (to your point @purplecorkheart)

My DD has been telling me that she is aware that her friend (lets call her Gina) and Perri (her mum) have had issues. The school has got involved. She has been doing some things online affecting other kids. It has gone on for about a year now. I know divorces can be messy.

I don't want to over step, but like other PPs have said, I parent my child based on her personality, what I know that she can handle, with a pinch of what I thought was missing from my upbrining that caused issues later on down the line - and I can be pretty strict and have very firm boundaries. Perri has told us mums in the past that she struggles with discipline, she is known as the softer mum between us - we don't judge - we just acknowledge that we all parent differently. But I'm guessing she is running out of options and has come to us - sometimes you need your "village" - @LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand - whilst we wouldn't get involved - shes asking for help.

Perri did ask one of the other mums to have a word with Gina - but it was forced, I don't think that went down well with Gina at all.

Something I value is transparency, especially in the age of social media where you can just find answers elsewhere anyway. So I am keen to advice some level of child friendly transparency could help - only she knows her daughter. I also know what its like to be a UK student, feel the pressures of a divorce and act out - so I can give that view point.

@Buscake , you told your children more than I was told - and I would have appreciated just that. When I split with my ex I told my DD the child approproate version, I am sorry you went through abuse, but on my side we still speak to my ex, but she understands that there was a break in trust without knowing the adult details. As I said, when I witnessed my parents divorce, I had zero insight, my life changed over night, didnt see my dad again in 20+ years - and whilst I know their situation is different, I guess I'm trying to guage from others on MN what they may have gone through and maybe what they would have wanted from their wider community.

@TheGrimSqueakersFlea I have only got involved when my DD tells me "I'm going out with Gina", but sometimes my DD comes to me asking for advice because she is concerned about her friend - so I responsed accordingly. Mainly Gina does hang out with a few of the boys you wouldn't want your DD with (this is what my DD has said) - again, not gossip, but safeguarding as I want to know who my DD is with, and ensure she is back home by a certain time. We have tracking anyway, and one of the boys attacked a friends DD a year ago - so you can see why we are wery.

Thanks to everyone else that has give their POv, its helpful to know.

I think the intention behind sharing divorce reasons in an age-appropriate way is good, but it can be difficult to execute healthily in practice (avoiding venting, not using the child as an emotional crutch, etc.) And I think it's very context dependent.

For everyday breakups, I can imagine brief, honest explanations like "we fell out of love" or "there was too much conflict" working well. But as soon as you get into areas like domestic abuse, infidelity, kinks/fetishes, or other complex adult issues - especially when the child had little or no knowledge of the problem -how do you even begin to explain that truthfully? And is there always a need to?

I've seen situations where a parent shared graphic details of past abuse with a teenager, believing they "deserved to know the truth." The child went from having a reasonably functional relationship with the other parent to carrying the weight of incidents from decades ago: things they never witnessed and couldn't contextualize. It didn't help them understand the divorce; it burdened them with trauma that wasn't originally theirs to carry.

It feels similar to when parents stay together but have an argument or trial separation, and the child asks what happened. Most parents wouldn't give details in that circumstance. Instead, they'd offer reassurance and age-appropriate context instead.

I think there's wisdom in distinguishing between honesty (not lying) and full disclosure (sharing every difficult detail). "Your dad had serious [anger/commitment] problems that made it [unsafe/unhealthy/unfair] for us to stay together" is truthful. Describing specific incidents in detail crosses a line from informing to burdening, and potentially weaponizing the truth. Kids deserve honesty, but not necessarily trauma that isn't theirs to carry.

@AllThePickledOnes I think you are right.

I wouldn't dream of sharing the ins and out, as I don't think they need to know this. When my DD was younger, the reason I gave her for our split was that me and her dad did not get on. And that was it. She didn't need to or want to know more - and I kept myself open to answer any questions she might have had, coupled with check-ins when events happened, "do you want to talk about your dad?", "how are you feeling about x" - without pushing. As she got older she witnessed an incident and I opened up abit more - but it was for her safety really example "he had issues with money and it was affecting us" - as I have also seen it when you are given little information and grown up children are "used" by their parents.

Anyway - I agree every scenario is different and it is case by case.

Perri should take her DD for family therapy, and arrange for her to see her own counsellor as well. Asking other Mums to sort things out is not a good idea imo. It risks bolstering the feeling that everyone is against her.