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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I in the wrong

15 replies

MischiefManaged90 · 08/01/2026 12:07

Bit of backstop, with DP 10 years, have a 6year old DD together. He's been off work for nearly a year due to physical and MH issues, I work part time but often take OT meaning some weeks I do FT hours. I have my staff party tonight, first time I've been out in 5 years. DH has no issue me going out, but I'm just not a social person. I was to get my hair dyed and styled early this morning, then was going to travel to a nearby town to get my makeup done early afternoon. Hairdressers messaged at 0730 to cancel due to illness. I'm in a bit of a flap as my roots are awful (naturally very dark hair and white roots) so I decided to do my own roots then ring round various hairdressers at 0900 to see if anyone can style my hair. I'm rubbish at doing my own hair and I've a shoulder injury at the minute too which makes it harder. Due to DH snoring I had slept in older DS bedroom last night (he was away) but had to go in to our bedroom to get the dye, in doing so I knocked something over by accident and woke him. He woke up annoyed, I apologised and left the room. Done my hair in the bathroom which is right next to the bedroom, tried to be as quiet as possible but there was noise from me removing the bathmat and running the taps etc. At 0800 DD wakes up and goes into him. I explained I had to do my own hair which meant I could stay at home slightly longer but I still had a lot on today. DD stayed in with him until 0900 and then I took her downstairs for breakfast (she's off due to a diarrhoea bug). At 0930 I go up and say I managed to get a hair appointment so I'd have to leave soon. He is furious saying that he's had no sleep since 0730 when I woke him and "I'm to be back by lunchtime" to let him rest. I explained that I had my makeup early afternoon so I'd be back after. He said "he didn't care, you're to be back at lunchtime". I had told him yesterday that he would have to watch DD most of the day as I'd be out, yes he was woken earlier than planned but had my original appointment happened I would've been leaving at 0830 anyway and would've been showering etc and 0800. He was still very angry swearing about me waking him and said "just go". I went to my appointment but feel so deflated and like shit. I know there will be an atmosphere when I return ( well after lunch!) and he'll likely want me to watch DD until its time for me to leave which will mean I can't enjoy getting ready. What particularly annoys me is that he woke me at 0500 the other morning when I was sleeping on the sofa to tell me that he was awake most of the night and couldn't settle upstairs so wanted to come down to watch TV. I get it's annoying being woken, no one likes it but I feel his reaction is completely disproportionate. Or does he have a point and I'm selfish?

OP posts:
highlandharpy · 08/01/2026 12:10

Simply - LTB

Do you actually have to ask if you're selfish?

He doesn't work. What else has he got to do all day but be a parent and let you enjoy a very rare day to yourself?

What are you gaining from this relationship?

Egglio · 08/01/2026 12:11

You're not selfish. He is enjoying spoiling your day. He doesn't want you to have a nice time. I would think very carefully about where the love is in that.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 08/01/2026 12:12

He doesn't want you to enjoy your night out. He would prefer you to feel miserable and not get your make up done. To be honest, he would make up any reason. You need to think about your relationship very carefully. Have there be other occasions where he suddenly was unwell, engineered an argument or made it difficult for you to get out and have fun? I was married to one like that and eventually it wore me down.

SoScarletItWas · 08/01/2026 12:14

DH has no issue me going out,

Bollocks he doesn’t. PPs have it spot on, he’s spoiling your time to yourself.

What’s his plan for recovery and getting back to work?

I really don’t see what value he’s adding to your life.

Justchillinhere · 08/01/2026 12:20

OP why do you think it's normal to walk around on eggshells so as to not make a sound, your OH sounds horrendous, I feel so sad for your child, please reconsider why you are accepting the misery he's inflicting on you. Hopefully by writing down how he is making you feel you will realise you don't deserve to be treated like that. Please get out, for you and your daughter to have a much better life, free from his miserable controlling behaviour

Desperatelydoomscrolling · 08/01/2026 12:22

Oh love, I've been there. If it hasn't been this daft thing it would have been another daft thing, it would have had the same effect.
Let me make a couple of guesses - You'll spend today feeling worried and on edge and rushing to get back to minimise how much of a bad mood he is in. You'll offer to not go out to the party later then if he says 'no just go' you'll be so conflicted knowing if you don't go after all he will say 'its not my fault I told you to go!' even though you are pretty sure he was mad at you and going would make it worse?
If I'm wrong and he's just usually being a grumpy ass as a one off then don't worry (but you are still not wrong - go and enjoy your day!) but if what I'm saying rings true then you have someone that's controlling and emotionally manipulating you and eventually you will be isolated and do nothing unless it's what he wants you to do. He's not clever or unusual, I had one of those too. And it doesn't ever ever stop or get better.
I left mine in the end, it's left some scars but my life is so so so much better now. You deserve to feel free, a stable cage you've spent a long time in and is comfortable sometimes is still just a cage. X

Givemethestrength · 08/01/2026 12:23

If your daughter has a contagious diarrhoea bug should you be going out and potentially spreading it on to other people?

dollyblue01 · 08/01/2026 12:28

Has he any good points that add value to your life ?
he doesn’t get to tell you what to do , he’s not even working , so what is he doing all day everyday ?
sounds like a lost cause to me and you’d be better off without him, no way would I be walking on eggshells for a man round my home.

Bobiverse · 08/01/2026 12:39

Are you happy and fulfilled in this marriage? What does he bring to it? It’s nothing to do with finances, but with respect, kindness, joy, partnership and teamwork. Does he bring any of that?

He sounds awful, and useless and cruel and selfish. Why are you with him?

Namechangetheyarewatching · 08/01/2026 12:48

Bloody hell leave him

GreyCarpet · 08/01/2026 13:07

OP, getting my hair styled and my make up done by someone else for a night out wouldn't be something I'd do. So it's not something I've ever broached with my partner but I can absolutely guarantee that, if I said I was going to, he would do everything in his power to make sure nothing got in the way of that.

When it was my work night out before Christmas and we struggled getting a taxi (due to terrible weather and road conditions) to the point we thought we might have to forgo the night, he drove me and three of my colleagues to the venue so that we didn't miss out.

That's what a partner does.

FlapperFlamingo · 08/01/2026 13:32

I'm sorry OP, but your H is controlling you - or trying to. It's pathetic that he has no job but can't parent his own child. Being woken up at 7 or whenever is not that early. I would do what I had planned and let him moan.

However, ask yourself - is this a one off? If it is, then fair enough. If not then ask what he brings to your life? I'm betting it's not a one off and you'd be better off without him.

333FionaG · 08/01/2026 13:40

You are not in the wrong, your husband is. He is being totally selfish and it's plain to see he doesn't want you to go out this evening. Ride it out, have a lovely time tonight, then tomorrow, think very carefully about what this awful man adds to your life.

Jellycatspyjamas · 08/01/2026 13:43

Well he’s done a job in you. Instead of enjoying getting your hair and make up done, you’re worrying about how he’ll be when you get back. Instead of stepping up and giving you space, he’s making you double think going for what sounds like a rare night out, all while you’re working to support him. That’s not any kind of partnership.

In any event 7.30 is a normal waking time for a parent, or indeed anyone who works. He’s clearly got so used to things going his way he’s lost sight of how people need to function, even when they’re not feeling their best. I’d honestly be considering what he brought to my life and whether I’d actually miss it if he was gone.

TessSaysYes · 08/01/2026 14:17

Selfish unkind behaviour, not only can you not sleep in your own bed because of him. but he's misbehaving and swearing. Are there any uses for him at all. Particularly don't like the parent like demands that you re to be home at lunch time. It's mildly sinister. Who does he think he is?

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