Here's to new beginnings!

[Oricolt]

6 weeks before Christmas, my husband dropped the bombshell that he was having an affair, had drained our savings over the past 4 years, and was leaving us. 'Us' is me and our three kids. We had been together for 30 years.

I just found the Christmas card MiL sent me this year wishing me a "Merry Christmas and all the best for 2026: Here's to new beginnings!!"

What new beginnings? I can see how my fuckfaced husband is having a lovely new beginning with his new flat and his girlfriend. I am still here in our family home (which I can no longer afford), still feeding the cat, still booking orthodontist appointments, still putting the bins out on Mondays, still reminding the kids to take a break from Minecraft and do their homework, and put their clothes in the basket. Only now, I have no help at all and much less money available because of that arsewipe's financial deception. Maybe by "new beginnings" she meant my exciting new journey into having no one to ask when my check engine light comes on? Fun!

Of all the shit that has happened recently, I don't know why I'm fixating on a well-intentioned Christmas card, but it pissed me right off and I'm writing this to get it out of my system.

And that it hurts when it does !

You can do this, I have been doing this for 5 years...- still friends with the MIL, you will be able to move fwd with grace. Call the solicitor tomorrow.

He'll be sharing 50/50 custody, won't he??

How did he manage to drain your savings over 4 years without you noticing? Cheating is one thing but fleecing you out of your share of your savings is just next level arseholery. What a complete bastard. I'm so sorry.

Don't forget to drop the kids off for a few days, because I'm sure he didn't think he was walking away from being responsible for them when he started shacking up with the girlfriend!

Almost exactly the same thing happened to me and I’m so sorry it has happened to you too. It took me a good 3 years before I was ready to pick myself up and move on - which wasn’t easy at the age of 50. Another 2 years after that before I felt ready for a new relationship and I trusted my new man not to do the same thing again. 12 years on and I’m married for the second time. My husband has seen me through sone very tough times - cancer diagnosis and treatment and 2 hip replacement ops - but he’s been so supportive and caring in a way my ex would not have been. My kids are both adults in their 30’s now and life has settled down. I met my ex’s brother and he had told them it was amicable and we ended up splitting by mutual agreement. They were shocked when I told them ex had gone off with someone else, but I enjoyed telling them the truth! Now ex lives on his own, the relationship he left me for didn’t last and he’s not seeing anyone else. He asked me to get back together with him, which I enjoyed hearing but I’d moved on by that point.

Life will get better OP and it won’t always be like this. Get some legal advice and get all you are entitled to for the sake of your children if nothing else. Put your family first and don’t let MIL get to you. Most of all take care of yourself. Sending you love and hugs x

I could be wrong but as men generally pick up less of the family admin and childcare work than the mother, they have more headspace (and often immaturity) as it were to have resentment against their partner build up and fester and then the actual time and physical energy to put into pursuing a replacement rather than turning inward first and be honest about any marital issues with their current partner.

I feel this is why I see so many threads where the mother has always to some extent been blindsided because they’ve been unfulfilled also but are busy 24/7 doing everything to do with kids, housework etc. sometimes whilst holding down jobs also. It’s very sad. I have nothing to add here other than my sad observation and hopes for OP that her future is a happy and healthy one despite this 💐

Poor you, your husband is an utter disgrace.
However, try not to be cross with your MIL. What she wrote wasn’t that bad in the grand scheme of things. She probably didn’t know what to write in your card and knows only half the story…

You absolutely can still have a relationship with all his family! Like you said they’ve been your family too for ages and you and your children don’t stop being part of that because of him running off with another woman. Make sure they know what happened. You can be discrete and hint and not bad mouth their son/brother while still making it clear that it was not your fault. Much nicer for your kids if you still get on with them all too. I have a better relationship with my ex SIL and ex MIL now than I did when I was married. I found it has improved as it’s now all much more on our own terms and not dependent on him.

As PP i'd expect your ex has been economical with the truth at best. There was no affair here but XH doesn't generally take DD to see them. I keep in touch, we did a Christmas activity with them (he didn't come) and tonight DD asked to call them - we did and i think/hope they appreciate it. There's no reason they can't have some of your version of events.

My sister cheated on and divorced her husband. I am still friends with her EXH and his family. My kids were very close with her EXH's family and their kids and they considered each other cousins as they grew up together. My sister acted horribly to her EXH and I definitely did not side with her because she is my sister. She was plain awful. Being family does not mean you have to approve of how they treat people and that they have no faults or blame. Being family is sometimes just an unfortunate genetic circumstance you have to put up with.

Maybe you can reach out and have a chat will your MIL. She probably doesn't know the half of it and would be appalled. You do not owe your soon to be EXH anything. He is not your friend but she may want to be.

I think that, rather clumsily, the card was her way of reaching out and showing she still wants to keep in touch. Agree with PPs, arrange to meet up and make damn sure she knows the truth.

Yes. And yes. It's the least he deserves.

Very tactless of MIL but your STBX is the one who has shafted you, not MIL . She probably means to indicate support and confidence in you so hang on to that relationship if you can.

A pal of mine went through similar, she told her MIL everything over drinks and MIL went round his new flat and battered him about with her shoe (in front of the new girlfriend no less) for being such a selfish fool.

So you know. Maybe tell her. Maybe she'll hit him with a shoe, it'd be the least he deserves.

I'm hitting him with a very big spiritual shoe.

A couple of people have given me this advice. Can I ask how one engages the services of a "shit hot lawyer" as oposed to the other sort? I looked for Google recommendations and chose a local firm specialising in family law. Spent $350 on an hour with a nice girl who was a bit nervous but fairly knowledgeable on the legal procedure of asset division.

I decided to try someone else.

Asked my friend whose husband is a lawyer (unsure whether shit hot or otherwise) but he is in-house for a construction firm, so that's no good. Apparently lawyer networks tend to be industry-specific, so I made a mental note to give him a shout if ever I'm in dispute over a building.

Looked around on Facebook local for recommendations for divorce lawyers. Went with Hazel, who was older and more experienced. I liked her much better. We had a laugh (prob $15 per chuckle) and she was sympathetic and very informative. She's not so much 'going for his assets and pension' as advising me on the legal procedure for my situation though. Do I need someone even shit hotter than Hazel to really grab him by the bank balance?

Once I'd spent the best part of $1000 on lawyers I didn't have the budget left for a forensic accountant and groceries this month.

I don’t know you and I am sure you didn’t come for advice but there is some excellent advice on this thread. He doesn’t get everything or a new life! The money he stole was yours too. If he has a pension you are entitled to half at least, possibly more if he’s left you without earning capability. The house may have to be sold but you should be able to find somewhere else.
i am “lucky” in that I chose the divorce but in the long run it was best for everyone. The kids know their father is a dick. They k ow I have supported everything. The new girlfriend will leave him too. She will soon realise anyone who does that to his own wife and kids will do it again and she will have to live off the leftovers after he pays maintenance etc.
get good advice. It’s often free (search Instagram etc there are great people on there!). Good luck and well done for surviving as I know it’s tough.

I'm so sorry to read this!

Your post is literally EXACTLY what I'd write in a card and post back to her. How dare she suggest your husband having an affair and leaving you qualifies you for 'new beginnings'

Yes, write this post in a card, and post back. Id maybe offer a cup of tea or a catch up to make sure she knows the unhinged story and not her darling sons version. She might offer support , you never know. If that's what you want of course.

Good luck with everything. Genuinely sorry that your going through an awful time. X

I could have written some of that. I'm sorry you are in this shitty situation. I still haven't really spoken to my in-laws and who knows what they know about the situation. He will have portrayed himself as the poor little victim, no doubt.

I'm now 18 months down the line and while STBXH is still playing happy families with his new girlfriend, shit is about to hit the fan. I don't have a "shit hot lawyer". I have a normal, rather level-headed one. You're using dollar signs...are you in the US? The rules are different there. Some of my American colleagues were amazed that I can't just take him to the cleaners, considering he had an affair while I was pregnant, walked out just before the birth and is now being a complete arse. Doesn't work like that here...Doesn't matter and it doesn't change how the divorce is going to go. I looked around for a lawyer specialising in "family law", who also works in our judicial district...hence is known to the local court and has experience with it. I've just filed for divorce, so everything is now out of my hands, really.
Meanwhile, I'm just busy securing everything financially. I've sorted the house, I'm working on a promotion and getting complete job security, I will increase my pension significantly once the divorce is through, the kids are sorted out and settled. It's been a lot, since he just walked out and didn't give a shit about anything. Not much different to before, I had already been sorting everything before he left.
I got home service cover (so, if anything happens with the pipes, the boiler, whatever...someone will come out and fix it). I got a new car, which is under warranty, and have a great insurance to go with it. I've, luckily, also got my family, who help me out a lot. My parents are in their sixties and I'm trying not to ask too much, but it's fab that they are there.

You definitely need a family lawyer who will look at his assets and pension (and take into account what he has already taken from your joint savings). What jurisdiction are you in?

This!

No, do NOT get RAC. They leave you alone for 8 plus hours - one girls and you’ll find just how bad their service has become.

Green Flag

Unfortunately shit hot lawyers and forensic accountants cost a fortune. Sounds like she doesn't have the resources for this. I am going through this at the moment and without the support of a family member essentially doing the work of a forensic accountant for free, it would have cost at least £20k by now.

Are you in the UK? You are quoting prices in dollars, so not sure where you are. The process depends on the country you are in. There are some good UK support groups on FB. The Legal Queen on Insta is a good source of info too.
Try:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1408278476663213/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorceandseparationsupportgroup/
Most solicitors off a free 30-60 mins for advice. Do as much as the ground work as possible yourself. Collect as much financial information as you can. You'll both need to provide full financial disclosure. If either of you have defined benefits pensions (e.g. NHS, Teachers Pensions Scheme, Police, civil service etc), you'll need CETVs from your providers. Apply ASAP as they can take months to come through (especially from the TPS). The courts will start with a 50:50 split of all martial assets and ensure that both parties housing needs are met. If you have the children 100% of the time and/or your income earning capacity or mortgage capacity is lower, you may get more than 50%.
I am going through this now, although I instigated the divorce. It sucks, but you will get through it.

My brother left his wife and 4 children 30 years ago, for someone else. His ex wife is still my sister in law and the children are still my nieces and nephews, and are still a big part of our lives. He is of course still my brother and I love him, but she did nothing wrong, he did. He excepts that our family is loyal if nothing else. Hopefully you husbands family will be the same, if that’s what you want. Whatever the out come you can do this, and your children will grow up and know who didn’t leave them and who keep it together when their dad fucked off. Good luck for the future.