Why would someone go back to narc parents as an adult?

[user2466]

My husband and I separated in September after l asked him to step up more financially and be more hands on with our daughter.

He has ADHD and Autism so l've always tried to be understanding of his conditions and how they impact him (communication isn't his strength, he struggles to manage finances and compartmentalise etc) but I reached breaking point due to carrying a lotttt myself and he decided to leave and go back to his narc parents - his dad who controlled him his whole life and his mum who played the victim and always asked my husband to shrink to accommodate his controlling dad. Both his parents were controlling. Dad more overt mum more covert and I couldn't for the life of me understand why he'd retreat to that despite tasting freedom?

His family were controlling towards me, towards what I’d wear, what my WhatsApp settings were like, how often I’d visit my family, what friends I’d have and how I’d spend my money etc. We both got fed up of the control and moved out into our own home but he always carried guilt as his parents always emotionally had a hold on him. He did go NC at times but felt too much guilt.

Whenever we'd argue about finances or him being hands on as a dad he'd shut down, leave the room, get defensive or just ignore me. His parents would often guilt trip him even after we moved out and for a while he was able to separate from them and understood when I’d point out that they were trying to be controlling again.

He did try at times to communicate during disagreements as l said it would make me anxious and there was a period he got better at it but he always felt guilt for moving out of his parents house and putting his wife and child first and I couldn't understand why he’d go back to them after I asked him to step up more. The same parents that said he wasn’t allowed his own car, that said he can’t visit my family’s house and would tell him what he can and can’t do as an adult - why would someone go back to that as an adult?

I’ve accepted I can’t ’rescue’ him and that if he’s made the choice to go back there that’s on him but I don’t fully understand it

He’d say his whole life was a lie and that he only saw after he got married who his parents were as he was raised in a ‘pond’ mentality and didn’t know anything but what they showed him. He’d apologise to me for ‘bringing me into this mess’ and was adamant we’d need to move out before our daughter came because he didn’t want to ‘raise her in a toxic environment’ as they would try to control things in relation to my pregnancy and our daughter too. But now he’s back there and wants here there 50/50?

A few wees before he left during the argument, he kept going quiet when I’d say anything about his parents or he’d say how he wants our daughter to see them and then when I’d question why despite the fact they’ve shown no change he’d go quiet/defensive or he’d say they have changed (when I’ve not see any evidence they have) he started to please them again and I noticed this.

My mum’s a narc and I’d never go back and live with her. I don understand why anyone would :/

Because he needs somewhere to hide from responsibility. Hes never had to do it before, they did it for him.

@shouldofgotamortage I used to say this to him during disagreements and he’d say he was never allowed to (he was told he can’t move out, can’t get his own car etc) so he’s struggling with how to but he’ll figure it out but never did. He has ADHD so I tried to support him but he’d see it as I’m being too pushy but the same parents who did the above are no longer ‘pushy’ …

Because they're a known quantity, it feels familiar, because going it alone is terrifying when you've never been allowed autonomy. They've moulded him into being a passive, ineffective person.

@FatCatPyjamas wouldn’t a taste of freedom push someone to want to have more autonomy?

Bump

It's like being in a cult. The victim is brainwashed. Hard enough if someone is brainwashed into a cult as a young adult, even harder for someone who has been brainwashed by narcissists all their life to be able to change their thinking.
Has he ever had counselling?

Read up on FOG
fear
guilt
obligation

@Roselily123 I’ll look into this thanks

@Escapingafter50years 100% he was brainwashed. Despite trying to have autonomy and wanting it he’d always get sucked into the guilt trap

Break this cycle.
Walk away.

Because there's always this part of you that hopes it can be fixed and it'll be OK, they'll like you, maybe even give a vague pretence of loving you.

I didn't. And now she's dead, so it never can be fixed - it never would have been, I know that - but the finality of knowing that it's done, that's it, that was my experience of parenting and it never, ever got better, is hard.

Surely the obvious answer is that he’s skint and he needs them to help him out?

@Wildflowerwonder I get that but they’re not your ‘normal’ parents. They’ll hold everything the do against him, try to make decisions for him as a way of having that hold over him etc. He used to say he’d never be able to go back to that because he’d rather struggle and have his own life than have their financial support and be controlled. I don’t how why anyone can go back to that type of life tbh

@NeverDropYourMooncup I’m sorry that was your experience. I’d spent most of my childhood hoping my mum would change but she didn’t and now as an adult I’ve created my own safety and security and I never search for that in her and never would because I know she’ll let me down. My mums more of an overt narc though so it’s a clear cut situation for me

I hope thats true for you. I thought I had managed it, but unfortunately, when I found out last night that she had died, I hadn't quite managed as well as I had thought.

My DD visited today and was absolutely blunt about it. But she grew up insulated from the batshittery and abuse, so doesn't have any awkward residual attachments clouding her vision. Her response was harsh, but accurate.

I knew absolutely, as you do, that the love and care was never going to be there. But there was still that part of me that wished there was, even though there's an entire childhood and 25+ years in adulthood of bitter experience to tell me there wasn't.

It sounds like he's lost and still craving something they won't ever give him. He knows he won't ever get it, but in his heart there's a forlorn hope that maybe, just maybe, if he does everything right, he might feel it a little bit.