How to help an adult sibling

[Jwevhwi]

BIL in law has been a carer for his dad for the last three years but prior to that MIL was doing it for the last two decades. FIL has now passed away and BIL is on his own. He has a job but has never had friends or partner. His life has been massively stiffled by his family - even prior to taking over the caring responsibilities.

Dh is obviously worried about him. In the past, he's tried to offer advice and support but BIL is too repressed and timid to do any of it. It seems unlilely that BIL would develop his life beyond living in his parwnts house now on his own and working mainly from home.

At our end, we both work full time and have two primary aged kids. But it feels that unless Dh moves back in with his brother for a while to guide and basically tell him what to do - we really won't be able to help him much in developing his life. Would that be a ridiculous thing to do? We all live in the same city but it takes one and half hour to get from ours to his so it's not like Dh can meet him a couple of times a week for a drink after work.

But does your BIL want to "develop his life"? It's ok for people to live different lives from the norm as long as they're happy with their choices. Not everyone wants a thriving social life, or a partner and kids - and that's ok. Maybe he does want to change, but don't assume he wants someone else to come in and take charge of his life. It might be his worst nightmare, especially if he's been controlled (even unintentionally) by responsibility for his parents all his life.

Is there an inheritance involved here OP?

I don't know whether he even thinks that way. Ever since he was a kid, family life revolved around his dad, controlling nature and illness - so there has never been a space for BIL to do anything other than live day to day. But now he is on his own, middle aged, unable to cook, with abuse that needs major work and not much else other than work. Don't think he's thought about his life other than working the hours he must and managing carers coming in.

@SunMoonandChocolate no as MIL is still alive but in a nursing home.

It seems a bit extreme for your dh to move in with him? He has a job so that’s something. You can’t do it for him, you/dh can only encourage, listen to him and advise him.

He does have a job but it's same one he got 20 years ago and as its WFH he never sees anyone. He has only been on holidays in the past if Dh has taken him. We have advised him for the past couple of decades but he never changes anything unless Dh literally does it with him which he is fine with.

Why did this affect BIL’s life and not your husband’s? What was different?

@AnotherNameChange1234567 Dh left for uni, BIl didn't and was also a lot younger when FIL got sick. Once FIL all attention was on him rather than BIL and I think all parenting and support stopped then when he just got into secondary.

How long has it been since fil died. I’d let him ease into it it takes time.

I had a family member like this and it took YEARS. They’re still quite quiet and keep life small but he has branched out, made friends has a small hobby group he attends regularly and learnt to cook. As well as therapy.

life is daunting at the best of times, let alone when come out from under the thumb of a controlling relationship of some sort.

I think moving for a week just to help with the sorting out of things that need to doing is fine.
then regular phone call check ins.

he could call him on his commute home daily ?

and go over to visit monthly and invite him to visit also. there’s really no urgent rush for him to be fully self actualised in 12 months.

Is your BIL happy? . We have a close relative who cared for his mum for many years. Since she died he has lived alone and worked part time. He seems to have no social life. He is on a low income but refuses any financial support from us. We live two hundred miles away and have offered for him to come and stay or go on holiday with us but he always says no. He says that he is fine. We have accepted that he doesn't want help and won't or can't change.

No idea whether he is happy. He was very resentful of caring for the dad but also refused to move him into a home as their dad was always against it. He will so things if Dh organises them and basically takes him to them whether that's stuff on the house or holidays. He doesn't have much to say when we ask - what are your plans for the future? What would you like to do.