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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Snowbound and Hassled

26 replies

Doingthegraft · 07/01/2026 20:25

So - opinions please. I live very rurally in the far north of Scotland with my husband and kids. My family live in the south west and we now have two older relatives down there, living separately but near to each other, who need a great deal of care. For clarity, both are financially well off but neither want paid carers in their houses so family members living nearby go in to help on a daily basis. I haven't lived down there since I was a teenager, and was surprised when, before marrying my husband a few years back, I was told that I was selfish to be remarrying and moving away (for clarity at that point I lived in North London) since the family had assumed that as a divorcee, once my kids were through university I would be moving back down to care for the older family members as they aged and needed more care . Nobody had ever discussed this with me before that point and so as these relatives have needed more care I have been careful to go down every few months for a couple of weeks at a time and pull my weight with the other family members. As well as taking over getting the two older people medical appointments and social visits I deep clean their houses, fill their freezers (which are always empty when I arrive for that purpose), sort their gardens and take them clothes and shoes shopping, as well as cleaning and mending anything in their wardrobes that need attention. This had to stop when my husband became seriously ill, but he is well enough for the kids and local friends to step in if needed and I have managed to pick the reins back up for going down and helping out. Now with the recent weather drop we have been snowed in, and I was due to travel down tomorrow which is obviously not happening. I rang around and let everyone concerned know as soon as the first snow prediction was in, and the big blizzards came in so quickly that I couldn't get out and travel before they arrived. Because we are in a very out of the way place we need the roads to be safe and accessible before I can travel down - I have suggested rebooking my rail tickets for a week or so's time and coming then, and I have apologised to everyone for the inconvenience. However, they are acting like I am just being disobliging and burning up my phone and social accounts with complaints about how I am letting everyone down. I have shared photos showing that we are still in a state of snowy siege and can't get down to the main road, they have responded with photos of the news reports of the nearest city - 2 hours away - showing the clean up crews and traffic movement. Not sure what I can do without a TARDIS - I am stuck and offering the best solution I have at this time. AIBU?

OP posts:
Imisscoffee2021 · 07/01/2026 20:27

Sod em, turn your phone off and have a whisky.

rubyslippers · 07/01/2026 20:29

I wouldn’t ever lift a finger for them again except to give them a link to paid carers
the audacity and guilt tripping by them is abysmal
your DH is / has been unwell - did the offer any practical or emotional support or count down until you could resume your “duties”

RandomMess · 07/01/2026 20:31

At this point you need to double down and insist that the older folk have support from local employed folk.

They may not want carers but the reality is you not being able to go shows that they are an urgent necessity.

RonaldMcDonaldTrump · 07/01/2026 20:34

What relation are the family members to you? Are they your parents?

Regardless, I am astonished that the wider family members have sat back and allowed this arrangement to take place. You literally live on the opposite side of the country and rather than pay for outside help, they have expected you to traipse down on a train periodically, disrupt your own family's life not to mention your own life, at significant cost to you.

Lavender14 · 07/01/2026 20:35

Op it sounds like you need to assert some more realistic boundaries here. What you've been doing isn't sustainable or practical and this is a clear example of why you need to be clear with them that going forward they will need to be using paid care.

Barney16 · 07/01/2026 20:39

Post on the wonderful elderly parents board too. The arrangement you have in place isn't sustainable. They need professional careers and a cleaner each. So what if they don't want to spend the money, they will have to spend their money.

JustPlainStanfreyPock · 07/01/2026 20:47

Exactly what the previous posters have said, you live at the other end of the country and have your own issues to deal with. This is not sustainable.

I was in the same boat, but did not have the same pressure from the relatives that were on the front line. Instead I provided 'holiday cover' so that the ones dealing with the brunt could get a proper break 3-4 times a year, but was not expected to shuttle back and forth constantly.

Hard to say, but this has to be the time to break the news that this cannot continue as it has been. Ultimately they will end up in care - it is just a matter of time, and that time should not be at the expense of your life and health.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 07/01/2026 20:47

I'd take this as a sign that you're doing too much, that their reliance on you is impractical and unrealistic, and they need proper help not you travelling the length of the UK to clean their houses and sew on buttons ffs!

I can see they've done a number on you to make you feel guilty and obliged to do all this, but it's really not your fault that they've had some unrealistic selfish plan to take over your life regardless of what you want.

MrsChristmasHasResigned · 07/01/2026 21:06

Is it the older relatives or the wider family who are giving you grief? If its the older folks, I think I would just be reminding them of the bottom line - my elderly dad gets quite unreasonable if I am not available and his anxiety goes through the roof. It has taken ages to get him to acknowledge that. Just repeating what is not possible and that this is why there needs to be a back up plan is probably the best way to go if they are in a tizz.

If it is the wider family, I would be having a full and frank discussion of how things are divided up and that they need to step up. I would probably include a few choice words for someone who dared to give me a hard time in this situation.

abracadabra1980 · 07/01/2026 21:07

Imisscoffee2021 · 07/01/2026 20:27

Sod em, turn your phone off and have a whisky.

100% agree. Forget the guilt as that doesn't go away whatever the circumstances, so just 'roll with it', tell them to fuck off in your head, and be glad of the snow to give you a mental break. Caring is one of the most exhausting scenarios known to man. 💐

Starlight1984 · 08/01/2026 08:38

For clarity, both are financially well off but neither want paid carers in their houses

But they're fine with a relative travelling from the north of Scotland to come and do their chores for them?!

Jesus when I was caring for my mum she would tell me not to travel if it was bad weather and I lived 10 miles away!

The expectation of some people just baffles me.

ChopstickNovice · 08/01/2026 09:02

Oh OP. They are utter twats! This is not sustainable.

3Dprintedfabric · 08/01/2026 18:57

Both your parents should claim attendance allowance individually. It is not means tested.
They should employ a local cleaner.
You can get Iceland (or other frozen food ordered on line & delivered)
Your help from so far away is not sustainable

https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

Attendance Allowance

Attendance Allowance helps with extra costs if you're State Pension age and disabled: rates, eligibility, claim form AA1, claiming due to a terminal illness.

https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

3Dprintedfabric · 08/01/2026 19:02

Your main priority is to yourself & your husband.

There is a RED weather warning for UK, so you should be making no unnecessary travels.

Make this an opportunity, where your family start to discuss longer term help for your parents.

Do you have power of attorney in place ready to use if required ?
If not get this sorted for health & wealth for each parent.

3Dprintedfabric · 08/01/2026 19:05

They have loads of money

How much does it cost you to go & visit each time ?

3Dprintedfabric · 08/01/2026 19:06

I recommend reading the "Elderly Parents" section of Mumsnet too

persisted · 08/01/2026 19:16

This is your opportunity to re-set the bounds.
For now switch everything off and don’t engage, they can’t try and guilt trip you if you can’t see it.

In a few days you go back to them. Explain that this has clearly illustrated that this is mad. It’s to far, costs a fortune, I’m exhausted, my family needs me. I won’t be doing it any more. Here are some alternatives, which do you like?

It is not a negotiation, you continuing to do it is not an option. They will complain, let them. Otherwise you’ll be doing this forever, and it’ll never be good enough anyway.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 08/01/2026 19:18

@Doingthegraft You must live in the same county as me. The snowfall has been incredible. If you are on Facebook follow Fubar News if you don't already. The updates have been brilliant on road conditions, bus & rail cancellations and airport closures.. Police Scotland have been advising not to travel.

Your family are being ridiculous. Time to step back. They do not appreciate just how much you have been doing to your own family's detriment.
Stay warm, stay safe & get a refund if possible on those tickets.

Egglio · 08/01/2026 19:24

YANBU.

Actually, how fucking dare they? I don't care if they are your mum and dad (you haven't said, so even worse if not) but who has the audacity to expect you to do this to the detriment of your own immediate family, your own wellbeing and now they are even happy to demand you risk your actual life? Fuck them, they are taking you for a mug. Say no. Let today be the first day.

Doingthegraft · 08/01/2026 20:53

Thank you so much for your feedback everyone - taking time to read it has definitely pulled me up short. No they are not my parents - great uncle and great aunt on each side of the family, it is the other relatives not them who are giving me grief over this. Have now blocked all the messages, sent out one round robin saying that I will be down as promised when the weather permits and that we need to talk about what is reasonable with my future involvement, employing carers etc. Think that I had just got caught up with the family dynamics and endless guilt tripping rather than sitting back and looking at the full situation and seeing what was reasonable. And, no, nobody stepped up to help or even send messages of support when my husband was so ill, Although they were very pushy about my continued absence from the work rota. Time to change this out.

OP posts:
shellyleppard · 08/01/2026 20:56

@Doingthegraft well done, i think the family has been taking advantage of you. Time they looked after themselves or paid someone to.... You've done more than enough. 💐🙏❣️

ChocoChocoLatte · 08/01/2026 21:02

Sod them and behalf of an exhausted emergency services officer DH, thank you for not trying to travel.

ChopstickNovice · 08/01/2026 21:33

Glad you aren't travelling!

lemonraspberry · 08/01/2026 22:25

Obviously you could not travel but the lack of respect for your situation shows exactly what you mean to your relatives. They just want you there to look after older members of the family rather than paying for professionals.

Strong boundaries are needed here - say you will look forward to seeing them in the spring. Dates to be confirmed. Keep it vague.