Am I a terrible daughter or is my mum the problem?

[Leavenleraso]

I’m not sure where to begin really and I don’t want to write an essay.

I am almost 40, single parent to one DD age 5. She sees her dad every other week so I am very much on my own with her and I work full
time. Luckily I have a good relationship with my manager and have a lot of flexible working available and on decent pay. I am quite a focused person (my mum would say intense) and so I have things planned out with DD and I’m quite organised and have good friendships. Essentially what this means is my calendar is often filled and I don’t like to rely on anyone in particular.

Anyway getting to the point… when ex DP left (when DD was 7 weeks old and didn’t see her again until she was 18 months), mum almost seemed to blame me. She would say he had been awful and she was disgusted by him but every so often this side of her would come out (usually if I disagreed with her on something) and she’d said she understood why he left me etc etc. My dad did not do this but he also didn’t defend me either. She also said I wouldn’t cope as a parent (when ex DP left) and was generally quite condescending.

More recently she has been really unpredictable with me. Today for example I was due to visit her with DD (heavy snow so school closed) and I was going to do my work at their house. I should add that this was not my request and that I had back up childcare but she insisted she wanted to see DD. I was happy with this, they are good grandparents.

I arrive at the house and it turns out they’ve had a falling out with my sibling earlier today and sibling has driven off and ‘slammed the door on them.’ I dont know exactly what happened. Mum was a bit cold with me and then out of nowhere started saying the following…

I am just like sibling and they are sick of it
They never see DD (they do, they see her weekly as a minimum)
I don’t allow them in my home (it’s true I don’t invite them over but that’s because they can be overbearing and nosey)
I am rude (I probably can be)
They may as well move away as I don’t care about seeing them much (again we see them weekly)

More than the comments it was just this horrible atmosphere out of nowhere. I often get very upset by this sort of thing and spend ages afterwards texting or calling trying to make things right. This time though I felt both angry and upset but not a feeling of need to get in touch. I’m really disappointed in her and feel this treatment of me is pretty shit? AIBU? For transparency I should add that I can defend myself, I’m not scared of them and I do stand my ground and she’s right that I probably can be rude. However, my attitude towards them is unlike how I feel towards my friends as I instinctively feel defensive and on edge around them (mum in particular). I feel like I can’t do anything right and more than anything I’m uneasy about how she can suddenly turn like this, I thought all was fine when I turned up today.

Sorry, this was longer than I anticipated!

sounds like she’s pissed at your sis and took it out in you.

Sounds like you got the flashback of the sis argument, well and truly.

Doesn't mean it hurts less, she shouldn't have taken out frustration on you.

Exactly this. She’s clearly been upset about your sibling. Have you spoken to him/her yet to find out what went on? Don’t endlessly message (people pleaser?!) Let her cool off and she can make the first step, although I’d be tempted to tell her you won’t visit again until she’s calmed down and remind her she sees you/dd once a week. Does she want less, because the way she’s acting isn’t conducive to more frequent visits!

She is like this often. It does seem today was prompted by my sibling but this is a common occurrence for her to suddenly say she’s got these issues with me, when we otherwise are having a perfectly normal time

Nip this in the Bud.
Keep your distance
let her stew.
or you’ve got another 30 years of this

I think you need to give this behaviour a name, maybe "spoiling for a fight," and gently but consistently enact boundaries around it. Leave when it starts, then in a calm moment tell her it upsets you and that you don't want DD around it, but then move on as of it did t happen. It's a relative of attention seeking behaviour, so by going back over it it's reinforcing it. This is her issue, not yours

. I often get very upset by this sort of thing and spend ages afterwards texting or calling trying to make things right.

Stop doing this.
Walk away
Ignore

Dont apologise unless you actually did something"wrong" that you can see is really wrong

You can change your behaviour set your boundaries
Dont feed their behaviours

Walk away every time and stop apologising!

My Mum can be like this (it's got much worse as she has got older unfortunately)
I'm not like HER and she just doesn't get that my personality is different to hers and that my world is quite functional thanks. Like you I'm always on edge a bit when she visits, or I visit her. I'm much older than you, and it took til last Xmas before I finally blew a fuse and argued back!

Give yourself space from her... we can love our parents but not be able to spend much time with them... it's taken me 50+ years to realise that!

Just because you can be rude and don’t let her in your house isn’t a justification for this kind of behaviour from her.

No wonder you don’t want her in your house.

Agree with all the wisdoms from Pps - don’t react, don’t beg for reconciliation, she’s been unreasonable and shouldn’t be rewarded.

“she was disgusted by him but every so often this side of her would come out (usually if I disagreed with her on something) and she’d said she understood why he left me etc”

I understand this to an extent because my mum has what I’ve come to realise is a toxic trait of keeping stuff to use as ammunition in an argument. You probably feel upset when she’s taking her issues with your sibling out on you, and feel the need to justify why this isn’t fair or accurate too, which is understandable.

I will give you advice which I found on here in the Stately Homes thread for when this happens. Try to say something along the lines of “you’re being unreasonable/unfair (or other accurate word) when you say this mum, and it’s making me not want to see/talk to you.” It’s short, to the point and can be used each and every time.

I’ve also found that pointing out the use of past events as ammunition helps somewhat, even if they don’t agree with or acknowledge it they can see that you recognise the pattern and that it doesn’t have the desired effect which is to upset, manipulate and/or hurt you. You have been in regular contact with your parents and facilitated their relationship with your child, and deep down your mum knows this even if you have put boundaries in place such as her not coming to your home. This is necessary and not unreasonable, the last thing you want is for this to upset you to the point there is a big falling out so keep enforcing your rules and boundaries, you’re doing great.

Read this back to yourself. No one can tell you how to respond but think carefully about how you are treated.

Are you fawning?

Google:
The fawning trauma response is an instinctual coping mechanism where a person excessively people-pleases, appeases, or submits to an aggressor or threat to avoid conflict and ensure safety, often stemming from childhood abuse or complex trauma when fight/flight/freeze aren't viable. It involves self-abandonment, ignoring one's own needs, and becoming overly attuned to others to diffuse danger, leading to codependency, lack of boundaries, and chronic stress, but can be healed with therapy.

Key Characteristics
People-Pleasing: Constant agreement, over-apologizing, and difficulty saying "no".
Appeasement: Trying to keep the threat happy to prevent harm, even if they are the source of the trauma.
Self-Neglect: Ignoring personal needs, wants, and feelings to focus on others' emotions.
Lack of Boundaries: Difficulty establishing personal limits, often becoming a chameleon to fit what others want.
Chronic Caretaking: Taking on responsibility for others' emotional states to manage perceived threats.
Identity Confusion: Losing a sense of self as identity becomes wrapped in pleasing others.
Why It Happens
Survival Instinct: When fight, flight, or freeze responses are impossible (e.g., a child facing an abusive parent), the nervous system defaults to fawning to maintain a connection and survive.
Trauma Bonding: A deep, often confusing attachment to an abuser, where safety is sought through appeasement.
Early Experiences: Learning that expressing needs or setting boundaries was unsafe in childhood.
Impact & Healing
Harmful Outcomes: Can lead to chronic stress, emotional exhaustion, unhealthy relationships (attracting manipulators), and difficulty forming authentic connections.
Healing: Therapy helps survivors understand that fawning isn't a personal failing but a protective strategy, allowing them to develop healthier coping skills, set boundaries, and reclaim their identity.