AIBU to think that I probably have been through a lot of trauma compared to others?

[pontipinemum]

I know there is no 'normal' but I am starting to think that I have had quite a lot of different traumatic events in my life and all before I hit 33. I am trying to 'readjust' my normal level because I think what I think is normal is completely wrong. Until recently I thought I had a fairly normal childhood.

In a nut shell:

I was born in a large city, then at 6 weeks send to live in the countryside with my grandparents. Sent between grandparents/ parents a few times until my dad left when I was 3 and I was sent back to my GPs full time. Lovely people but had loads of their own kids so I was mainly raised by different aunts, one was 14 who apparently minded me a lot. Then it wasn't that I didn't feel like I didn't fit in, I was told several time I did not fully belong there like 'could you get out of the real family photo and we will get one with you after'. Which really hurt.

I would see my mother 3/4 times a year which was confusing, I would be so happy to see her then it was very painful when she left. My grandparents wanted her to move back to our home town. It was a good time economically there was no reason she wouldn't have got work there.

Aged 12 she moved me back in with her in the city over 500 miles from everything I knew. We lived with my 'step dad'. That when things really went down hill. They both drank very heavily. My mother would get pissed drunk every night and I would sometimes need to clean up after her or get her to bed before we got in trouble.

There was some P.A. from her and some S.A. from him but there was so much emotional abuse, neglect, control, manipulation. It was an egg shells situation. She blamed me for her drinking and said if I had not been born she would have had a 'real family'. That I needed to watch what she drank and then got in trouble the next morning for letting her get drunk. And for not helping her enough with her dieting.

Started giving me alcohol aged 13. I remember getting drunk with my mother in a random hotel room when he kicked us out one night. I remember her buying me full bottles of spirits.

I was allowed out to night clubs from 14 and 'dated' men in their 30s. Lost my virginity through S.A. and was also s.a by someone in power when I was at university.

At 16 my mother was kicked out of the house and it was just me and my step dad. That was a weird time. Like he would take me all day drinking and encourage me to drink more. But then if I got food at the end of the night he would say 'you're not going to eat all that are you' that he lives of very little food. I will end up 'a fat useless b*tch like my mother'.

He used to sort of play fight like getting me into a headlock and ruffing my hair. When he once did it to my mother she screamed a lot, but he never actually hurt us.

He locked me out of the house on a snowy night because I was a few minutes late - because of public transport. I was never once allowed a friend over and he used to embarrass me if he drove me to school.

After a few months of that I made the decision to move back to my grandparents. About a year later my mother followed. After my grandparents visited her, she got so pissed she fell through a glass table and ended up in hospital for a few days

Grief started with my grandfather died when I was 19, he was only 68. It continued through my 20 with the death of my gran, my aunt and my 'step dad'. Also during that time my mother was hospitalised due to chronic illness (which I now know was due to alcohol) she was in intensive care for 6 weeks and I was told to prepare myself.

I then started drinking far too much myself in my late 20s. Checked myself into a MH hospital in 2020 and have been sober since.

Bar a handful of slips, the last one in 2024 when I was suffering sever and I mean terrifying post natal depression. I have since then been going to a therapist and starting to understand all this. My internal dialogue is/was very very mean.

I had 4 miscarriages, I often thought it was punishment for having an early termination when I was 16. That was a sad experience, my boyfriend at the time was mid 20s and went on a 'lads holiday' he was too pissed to even answer the phone when I was wavering on doing it. I think I called 20+ times. So I went and did it alone and never spoke about it again to anyone.

Now my mother is very very unwell again due to alcohol. I have been picking up the pieces of her life for my whole life but I recently started to distance myself. Which put her drinking into crisis mode. I wrote on here about a boundary I put in place with her before Christmas.

Is this a normal amount of things to go through?

I ask because I always minimised everything or had it minimised for me. Not that I want this to be my life and be a victim but I think I need to acknowledge maybe it was a lot. And that while I was just doing the best I could I now need to unlearn a lot.

AIBU to think that is is probably more than most people normally go though?

YABU - That was a normal enough version of childhood
YANBU - That was not a normal enough version of childhood.

I think you have had such a terribly awful and traumatic time, I feel for you so much and it’s such a good step that you’ve started to recognise how unfairly you’ve been treated by so many people and how abnormal your childhood was. I desperately encourage you to seek support and therapy to help your healing journey. Some advice I would give is to try, as hard as it is, to not see things through the lens of ‘who is worse off’ or ‘who has had the worst experiences’ etc. Focus your energy on coming to terms with your trauma and how it’s affected you rather than considering how it compares to that of other people, as ultimately we never know what is going on in someone’s life and in my experience it’s not helped my healing to find out I was worse off than someone else. Sending you lots of love on your journey.

I'd encourage you not to compare. It's not important what is and isn't normal. What's important is how it affects you now.
I had pretty substantial trauma throughout my childhood and early adulthood but I never considered myself affected by it. Then, in my 40s I experienced what people would consider a pretty "normal" event of my partner cheating on me and discarding me abruptly which led me to develop PTSD symptoms for the first time in my life. I recognised it, paid for therapy right away and I am fine now albeit still perplexed as to how such a relatively minor event caused such serious consequences which my childhood experiences never did (just to give you a little flavour, my previous experiences include witnessing an attempted murder and a terrorist attack, experiencing sexual assault and physical abuse all before the age of 14).
We all have different reactions to traumatic events. Nobody's experiences can be qualified as "normal" or not.

All this is awful and not normal at all. So sorry for you. Wouldn't blame you for being a victim at all.

The comparison isn’t needed. You’ve had a series of terrible things happen and done to you in your life.

What you need to focus on rather than comparing your life to others is what you can and want to do now to make the future better for yourself.

This may include therapy, cutting people out of your life, taking active steps to improve self esteem, making life changes like moving.

The past has happened and can’t be taken back but the future is literally yours to do with as you with.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

That is nowhere near 'normal' - it's an horrendous amount of abuse, neglect and pain and you didn't deserve it (not that anyone does), you were a child.

I am so sorry. But really well done for getting sober and for distancing yourself from your mother, who clearly has her own issues. And for seeing someone to talk about it.

Keep going to counselling, keep doing whatever you need to do to look after yourself and keep remembering, this was not ok.

You are young, you still have plenty of time to make a great life for yourself. Good luck.

Nothing about this should be ‘normal’. You have suffered significant amounts of abuse, bereavement, neglect and trauma that no child or adult should ever have to go through.

You are so brave to take steps to seek therapy and help in surviving this. Keep going! You deserve a happy future free of the baggage and legacy of shit adults who let you down in the worse way. 💐

You have been through absolute skip loads of trauma, and this is nowhere near a normal childhood. I'm sorry you went through all of that. But my word, you've done some great things for yourself - you went to university, you got yourself sober, you're in therapy, you're asserting some boundaries. Stick with therapy, even if you need to try different types. You sound inherently strong and I wish you all the very best.

Dont compare. Even if this is 'normal' that doesn't mean you aren't allowed to have issues or to struggle. You are where you are, what needs to change?

To kind of answer the question, such experiences are common but that doesn't mean they are 'normal'.

Blrss your heart. I want to cry for you as a child.
That's not normal, or even in the same country as normal. Be very, very kind to yourself. x

You know it wasn't normal though sadly you are far from alone in this. It was a terrible start in life and I'm sure you are suffering even more now as you live through its after effects. My mum and her siblings had a similarly awful childhood. My mum came out of it determined to be a kind and loving mum. So did my aunt. My uncle fell into alcohol addiction and died in his 50s.
You are a survivor. You've been through hell and it will always be there but you have to try to look forward. My mum has been doing psychoanalysis for decades now. My aunt keeps herself so busy that she never has time to reflect. Both approaches have helped them.

@openthewindoweveryday I do in general agree that I shouldn't compare / comparison is the thief of joy. But I think I need to re-measure in my head what does and does not equate to a lets not say normal, but acceptable childhood. That's why I am trying to 'redo my internal measuring stick'. To try to understand while it doesn't need to be compared it just needs something. Sort of like maybe your tire pressure, mine is at 10PSI, when 'normal' is 28-33 I have been at 10 for so long that I just think that is normal and OK. Caviat though - I would only think it is normal for me, if someone told me their PSI was 27 I would have empathy and feel like their suffering was completely valid. But if mine dropped to 9 I would think, ah look it's grand my tyre will be fine. It's only my tyre.

@TomeletteswithGreggs thank you. It is strangely helpful to hear that it was terrible. I am not a victim and I def don't think I ever will be. I do think I need to be less hard on myself tho

Your childhood doesn't resemble mine... but it does resemble my mother's childhood. I think it's not entirely uncommon, but not a 'typical' childhood and certainly you have been through a lot.

You're 'allowed' to be traumatised and affected by that.

I wish you all the very best, truly.

You are not a victim but you have suffered at the hands of others. I don't think you should try and compare yourself to anyone else, but having said that, your childhood was definitely not in any way conventional, secure or well adjusted.

I was abused as a child and I've had therapy from a therapist who specialised in helping abused women. It was the best money I have ever spent in my life. It helped me to feel safe as an adult and grieve for my past, whilst also understanding that it is my PAST. It no longer exists and I have learnt, and am still learning, the tools to help me be able to live my life in ways that are not just a long series of trauma responses.

Stick with the therapy @pontipinemum it will only help. You are an amazing, brave, courageous woman and a survivor. You can be safe now as an adult and chose who are safe people to have in your life. Sending you my very best wishes for a happier future.

I shouldn't have used the word " victim". Posted in haste. I only meant to say all of this was just plain abusive, terrible, absolutely awful for a child or even an adult.
I really wish you peace and healing. MN has made me realise how lucky I was to have pretty decent parents.

@Grammarninja I have 2 young children and being the best mum I can be for them is my biggest goal in life. I am not seeking perfection just the best I can do. So far they seem like super happy little men and I do have people tell me I am such a good mum.

@takealettermsjones I am a pretty stubborn mule 😂which I suppose can be a good thing. If I want to do something I usually will.

@MargoLivebetter thank you the therapist I am seeing is amazing and specialises in childhood abuse etc. Yes I want to live without being in 'trauma' response. I don't need to sit and live in my past but I need to understand how it made me who I am. And be a bit easier on myself

You're putting everything you have into making sure you don't let history repeat itself. That takes remarkable strength. You should be very proud of yourself. It's so much easier said than done x

I think you have had an incredibly traumatic childhood. Many people would badly impacted by just one of those things happening.

Have you told this story to your GP? You would almost certainly benefit from some kind of specialist counseling.

I have had quite a lot of traumatic stuff in adulthood (domestic abuse, serious health problems etc etc) and I have ended up having counselling for most of the last 3 or 4 years. It has been incredibly helpful. I would say that counselors vary a lot in quality and also of course there are going to be some you 'click' with and some not so much. I recently went back to one I really clicked with and she has been amazing. For that reason it is worth trying new ones on occasions.

You may well be able to refer yourself to NHS counselling. You certainly can in this area. Where I live , there are also a couple of charities that offer low cost counseling, so you might have that option in your area too. Your GP will know about all the options.

No. You have had an exceptional level of hardship and abuse, and must have a great deal of inner strength to be focused on recovery and rebuilding a life. Treat yourself with care, prioritise your health and wellbeing and accept any professional support you can access.
Don't allow your mother to breech your boundaries. They are necessary and important to your recovery.

self awareness and frank honesty about the brutality you have been through is essential for you ability to know that you DO deserve a 28-33 PIS (I presume this is good?). You don't need to settle for 9. So getting these thoughts out of your head is to be applauded. However, that is the past, you can't let it keep you prisoner. You are NOT the past. The past is gone. Control what you can control, and it seems like you have a budding appreciation of that, I wish you well..

Trigger Warning mentions CSA.

My Dad tried to convince me that sibling sexual abuse was so common that it was in fact normal - it is actually common but no it is not normal.

My father was using a defence mechanism of intellectualisation/rationalisation/gaslighting/minimisation - take your pick - to distance himself from having to deal with an issue.

To some extent you are distancing yourself protectively from the pain you experienced by trying to categorise it as low end of the spectrum which is completely understandable but I would highly caution thinking anything that is dysfunctional is ever normal.

Normal does not fit into the conversation of what you experienced.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t process it and move on from it. The human capacity for adaption and recovery is truly remarkable.

A huge amount of trauma, You sound amazing OP to have coped with so much.

@dizzydizzydizzy yes my GP is fantastic and I am so lucky to have her. She knows the full story and has said I should be a case study in childhood abuse. But has directed me in the right direction and I am getting free counselling which is beyond helpful. It is only for adults who suffered abuse as children so they know what they are talking about.

@5128gap my mother is texting me today - drunk - that no one cares. I am the only one that contacts her. She wants me to feel sorry for her, but I know her sister called in last night with some food essentials and her other sister took her to the doctors on Monday. I live 3 hours away. She was making me feel bad that she hasn't seen her g.c. in months, which is true but that isn't my fault. She was invited her but couldn't make it and the 1 time I was in her town she was too drunk to come to the family party.

@HamptonPlace I am starting to realise my tyre pressure deserves to be within the 'normal/safe' range. And that might be where it is possible to better see what there is no normal means. Different cars have different PSI ranges and it will depend on the type/ size but that range is normal for them. When mine was so out of 'safe range' I needed to work on building it up. I am not comparing myself to see where exactly I sit on the scale to see who is better/worse of to compare really, but to see what the scale is, and to maybe understand that my idea of the scale is totally off. My counsellor told me I had 'zero self worth'. I didn't think I felt like that but I am incredibly hard on myself like really mean, and I def tollerate more than I should. So I am trying to get myself to that safe scale. Sometimes maybe it will fall below it, sometime above but just swimming around the safe zone would be good.

@Bluebluesummer I am very very sorry for what you went thought. But yes I think I have tried to make all this seem OK/ Normal in my mind. I am trying to understand my past and how it makes me who I am today that no the dysfunction was not normal and certainly not OK. That it shaped who I am, in fairness in some positive ways but also some negative ways. I am working on amending that negative side

Whilst you are not alone in having had an awful childhood and there are plenty of people who have gone through trauma as a child, it doesnt make it normal or ok. Likewise someone coming on here and saying 'I had it much worse' wont help you either.

I think when you become a parent yourself it makes you re-evaluate your life and experiences. I spent my 20's essentially ignoring my childhood but once I had kids it kicked up all sorts of emotions, especially when my children were the same age as I was at key traumatic events.

I did not go to therapy - mainly due to cost but I did lots of reading about childhood trauma which helped me make sense of it and helped me understand my emotions and reactions to things as an adult. I'll never be 'normal' but I have done a good job at giving my own children a normal happy childhood. not perfect but loving and safe. That is what you need to put your energy into, you didn't have any control over your childhood but you do have control over your adulthood.

@BrieAndChilli yes each time my child hit's one of the key moments I think 'oh' I looked at both of my DC at 6 weeks and thought how did my parents give me up. If it has just been a stop gap I'd get it, but it was until I was 10 months. Then they took me back only to return me a few months later. And they did have a few options on how to keep me. Then for my father to just completely leave when I was 3. My first child is 3 I look at him and think just how heartbroken he would be. If his dad completely vanished and I only went to see him a few times a year. God can you imagine the comments on here if a poster said that is what was happening to their child now.

Please do not pay any attention to any ‘YABU’ votes - I can only think they’ve misinterpreted which vote was which - this is a horrendous abuse. I’m so sorry this has happened to you and pleased you’re accessing therapy.