Contemplating leaving my husband

[Tiredmumma30]

God I just need a rant about my husband but I can’t tell if I’m overreacting and being a bitch.
We have two young children, and one has extra needs which means I can’t work until he goes to school next year. When I found out I was pregnant with my first 3 years ago my husband (not married at the time) wanted me to get an abortion but I refused and said I would do this with him or without him. He decided to stay with me.
Fast forward two years we start talking about having another baby. I fall pregnant without us even trying but thought my husband would be happy as we were openly talking about trying soon. He wasn’t happy. Demanded I get rid but I said I was ready for another and would be the perfect age gap and I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of it. We had a traumatic birth and my husband never bonded with the baby and refused to acknowledged them for quite some time. He found them very annoying and anything they do now he still finds irritating. He even texted me last night saying he doesn’t understand how I can love our youngest… wtf😳
We had a falling out last night as our second child is having really bad tantrums and he says he can’t cope. He works 7-5 5 days a week and doesn’t have to deal with them like I do yet he can’t cope… he does the bare minimum. He pays all the bills, food shop rent etc and always throws it in my face. His job is pretty easy, he just drives from factory to factory every day but says he has no energy to deal with the children. He does 0 jobs around the house on weekends and would rather sit on his phone playing games than going out and doing things as a family.
I’m the one that solely gets up in the night with our youngest, and he doesn’t sleep so I spend most nights up every 30 mins. My husband puts our eldest to bed but all he has to do is lie in his bed as he falls asleep pretty easily. But he complains about EVERYTHING. I suffered really badly from sleep deprivation and postnatal depression after our youngest and my husband couldn’t have cared less haha.
He has very little patience when it comes to the kids as well and flips out about tiny little things.
I also get universal credit (£90 a month) and my child’s disability allowance and carers so comes to £600 a month yet I’m the one that buys all our boys clothes, shoes, nursery meals and he still expects me to pay for a food shop a month (£100) and fill the car up one week (£60) and I also have to pay for all my own direct debits I had before I stopped working (£400 a month) don’t really know how he expects me to pay for all this🙄 he makes nearly £3000 a month but spends most his money buying trading cards 🥲 am I being unreasonable expecting him to chip in more? I know it’s his money but we’re married and a family so surely his priorities should be slightly different. And am I being unreasonable expecting him to help more around the house and being more present in the family on weekends? I get he works full time but I’m also at home full time with the kids which is draining. I love them so much but it’s tiring. Yet he doesn’t seem to care and just says “you wanted them” or “I never wanted them” and always throws it back in my face 🥲

He had made it very clear that he doesn’t want to be a father, you should probably believe him
and do it alone.

He never said he didn’t want to be a father. We spoke about having children a lot but when I actually fell pregnant he decided on both those occasions it wasn’t the right time even though he had previously spoken about it 🙂

He never said he didn’t want to be a father and we spoke about having children a lot but when I actually fell pregnant he decided on both those occasions it wasn’t the right time even though he had previously spoken about it. He was a good father to our first but when our second came along he changed

Yes he sounds awful but can you manage without his money?

Right, but he's told you he doesn't love your youngest and doesn't understand how you do. It would literally be disgusting if you stayed with this guy. Do you not understand how much damage staying with him will do to your children, especially your youngest? Lifelong damage.

I pay for our car and insurance which comes to £350 and then I also pay my phone bill, road tax etc🙂 hope this helps

I'm sorry OP but the writing was on the wall right from the start here. Your husband is a massive twat, doesn't care about you or the kids, and the sensible thing to do now is to plan for a life without him as it'll happen sooner or later anyway. Sorry to be blunt.

You absolutely should leave. Your DC shouldn't be around a parent who shows them such disdain. The longer you stay, the more damage will be done to them.

You do have my sympathies, I can only imagine the exhaustion looking after two yoing children. He didn't want one child,never mind two, and he should have walked away when you told him you were keeping the first pregnancy. He also should have had a vasectomy if he didn't want to risk having a second once he decided to stay. He's doing what he sees as his duty (keeping a roof over your head and paying most of the bills) and thinks that's enough.

He never wanted this life and nothing you do or say will make him change and suddenly not resent you and the children (which he clearly does). You and your children deserve better.

He never once told me he didn’t want to be a father. We were in open discussions about starting a family and having children but when I actually got pregnant his feelings clearly changed. I gave him to option both times to leave if he wasn’t happy yet he decided to stay. I even told him the first time if he decided to leave I wouldn’t expect him to be involved. His feelings changed as soon as he saw the scan and he even cried and got excited. He was a great father to our first. And we even spoke about having a second baby and starting to try and when I got pregnant he didn’t want me to keep it. It’s broken my heart twice now that he’s wanted to try for children then immediately changed his mind when I fell pregnant. And with regards to our second he will make comments like “oh he’s being cute” and then immediately go “I don’t know why you love him” it’s a mind fuck

He never said he didn’t want to be a father. We spoke about having children a lot but when I actually fell pregnant he decided on both those occasions it wasn’t the right time even though he had previously spoken about. He then changed his mind after seeing our first baby’s scan and got very excited and was a great father to our first. But he never felt this way towards our second even though we planned to have a second baby..

That's completely irrelevant now because you have the children. So you need to do what is best for them.

Realistically he’s not going to put more money in as it sounds like he doesn’t like at least one of the kids and he certainly doesn’t respect you.

I think the best thing you can do is work out how you can get back to work so you can be financially independent once this all falls apart. If his hours are set, can you work evenings or weekends? Can your family help with childcare? How long until both kids are at school?

Well, he obviously never wanted children and to play happy families.
I'm a woman, exactly like that, only without dependants.
Didn't his reactions in the past, re your pregnancies, give you a clue?
Yes, of course, leave.

But doesn’t know how anyone could love one of his own children? Is your bar THAT low?

His priorities are all wrong and it doesn't sound like he sees any issue with that. Spending most of his income on his hobby, when I assume you are not able to work as you're caring for your disabled child, is shocking.

I would be coming up with a plan on how to get out of this relationship. Speak to CAB etc and check whether there's any additional financial or housing support you're entitled to. Find a solicitor to initiate the divorce and get an idea of what maintenance he should be paying and what split of the marital assets you would get. You deserve better for yourself and your kids. It's awful to grow up knowing your Dad never wanted kids and constantly feeling like a burden.

Just leave.

Regardless of if he wanted children or not, the fact is he has two. Whether he loves one or not is actually beyond the pale - he is 50% responsible for his children's welfare.

And when you leave him (which you should, OP, unless you know he has the ability to change and work on his many, many flaws) he will be 100% responsible for the children on his days, assuming he wants half or some custody.

Think of what your children are witnessing right now. An absent father who shows zero interest in them when he is physically home, who does nothing of a weekend as a family, and prefers his phone screen to the company of his wife and children. Is that the sort of role model you want for your children to grow up with? To feel like burdens to their father and have to practically beg for a scrap of attention from him?

They are still young enough that they will transition easier over to two separate households. You need to demonstrate that no-one is entitled to behave this way.

I couldn’t be with someone who openly admitted that they didn’t love their own child and they don’t know how you do. That is so awful. Your poor child will realise this as they get older.

Jesus, poor kids having him as a dad.

From what you’ve written it seems clear to nearly everyone who’s posted that he didn’t want to be a dad, that’s solely based on what you have said, but you’re continually arguing the point.

Of course your younger child has terrible tantrums, his dad didn’t want him, doesn’t love him, resents his existence and doesn’t engage with him. He must be profoundly unhappy poor thing.

You owe it to them to leave and to try and create a happier safer home for them. They didn’t ask to be born and it’s incredibly damaging for them to live in a home where one of their parents considers them an inconvenience. Stop repeating that he said he wanted hypothetical children, look at his actions and prioritise the children you chose to have, they deserve so much better than they’re getting.

I would guess he would not want custody - he told you he wasn’t ready so his behaviour isn’t a surprise

although if he wasn’t ready he should have taken a lot more care

He might need the go to the gp if he still hasn’t bonded with the baby. That’s what anyone would say if a mother still hadn’t bonded with her child.

he works 10 hour days and covers everything yet you say he doesn’t do anything and spends all his money on trading cards but that’s not true as you aren’t destitute.

both times you have gotten pregnant he hasn’t wanted it, so why are you still together ?

this is not to discount him being horrible and annoyed by his children. But he has been quite vocal about not wanting them. He is still meeting his financial obligations to them and you however.

it not unreasonable to expect you to contribute to food and pay your own direct debits? When he covers everything else.

did you think if you just had the children he would come around? You have the children you wanted and it seems the cost was your marriage and happy home.

he is wrong because he shouldn’t have married you after the first one as it allowed the for second one. Divorce him, move out, get your CMA and raise the children you wanted without him being miserable to you and the kids.

The only thing you’re being unreasonable about is staying with a man that is going to make your kids feel like shit every day of their lives. They might be too young to realise at the moment but his disdain for them will only grow and they will feel it. Leave him for all your sakes ❤️

I’m sorry but I agree with this. He told you very clearly that he did not want either child, and you said you would do it with or without him, and yet you went on to get married despite his behaviour.

You now need to accept that he was in fact being very honest with you both times about what a crap father he would be, and you need to make plans to leave so that your children do not suffer.

Did you agree to start trying for the second or was it planning for a second at some point?

it’s all irrelevant. Get a job and leave.

you parent them solo anyway

Yes of course you should leave.
I don’t know how you’ve stayed for so long.

I assume it’s for financial reasons as he brings absolutely nothing else to the table.

Do you think he would move out?
Do you have any family you could move in with?