Stories of finding your forever person in your late 30s, after multiple failed relationships?

[buzzheath]

They always end for different reasons. I'm in therapy to identify patterns etc, but I'm at a loss.

I've had 3 relationships since my early 20s, each lasting between 14 and 18 months.

Any hope?

I have borderline personality disorder and had a lot of therapy, I’ve been in a long term relationship since 2015, I’m 49.

Not myself but a friend, she had maybe 3/4 serious relationships ranging from 6 years to around 18 months, met someone maybe 4 years ago at 38 and is now married with a baby.

You can meet somebody at any age and stage. And by the time you’ve had a few relationships and gotten to a place where you’ve reflected and worked out what you do and don’t want in a partnership and from your life in general, you’re in a pretty good place to meet somebody who has also had that opportunity.

Were they bad, unhealthy, or abusive relationships, or not? Don’t think of them as “failed”: they were just relationships you had. If they ended because you realised they were unhealthy then that’s not failure, that’s personal insight a growth. And if they ended because they were broadly good relationships with broadly good people but it wasn’t quite right then that’s not failure, either - that’s just a life lived.

I met DH in my thirties, he was forties. I’d had several relationships beforehand and I don’t look back on them as failed relationships, they were just periods of my life, and mostly good ones. I didn’t set out expecting DH to be forever, and wouldn’t call it failure if it isn’t. But we’re great together, and a lot of that is each of us knowing what it is we want to make work.

All relationships end. Some in breakups, some with loss. I think it’s important to remember that breakups don’t mean failure.

Identifying unhealthy patterns is great. But remembering that breakups are sometimes inevitable and healthy.

And I met DH in my 30s.

Met mine at 38, been together 7.5 years now. Prior to that never managed more than a few months barring a marriage that lasted about 18 months altogether!!

Met DH at 38. Had DD at 40. Married at 43. Still quite happy together (mostly!) 14 years later. I think I spent a long time thinking I needed a man to complete me. Turns out what I actually needed was a dog, and then not long after a man turned up who was happy to bounce alongside us.

What have you turned up in therapy so far? Those are very short relationships for someone dating for the better part of 15-20 years. Of course no one needs to be dating solidly all that time, but it sounds as though that's the case.