Grandmother really poorly

[ForLemonFinch]

I really don’t know what to do and I have no one to talk to right now.

I am my grandmother’s next of kin. She is elderly and very frail and has been for several years. She lost both of her children and her husband over ten years ago, so it has just been me. I’ve supported her in every way as her health has declined, and she thanks me every day for everything I do.

She was admitted to hospital today and I received a call saying she is very poorly, and that if I wanted to visit, now would be a good time. She is there on her own and I feel incredibly guilty that she’s alone, but I honestly don’t think I can cope with going in.

I suffer from severe anxiety. A few years ago I was called in when they thought she wasn’t going to make it, and it was a horrific experience for me. Thankfully she recovered, but I really don’t feel able to go through something like that again.

I’ve just spoken to her on the phone and she sounds okay in herself, talking about wanting to get home, which makes this even more confusing.

I feel torn between my anxiety and the guilt of not being there in person. Would I be a terrible person if I didn’t go to the hospital?

Sorry you are going through this OP
have you got any friends that could go with you?
i would absolutely go to see her tho and explain to the staff how you’re feeling ❤️

If they're telling you to go in to visit now, you might not see her alive again.

Is there anyone that can go with you?

Do you have a rescue med? Have it ready at home for when you get back.

How bad will your anxiety get if you were to never see her again and know that you didn't take this chance?
You are making a choice between two horrible things - feeling bad now and feeling bad for the rest of your life. Which one do you think you can live with?

I’m sorry you are going through this on your own and understand how tough it can be. But if you don’t go in and she dies, you may be full of regret. Hospitals don’t make calls like that without good reason. MIL died in hospital last year and DH got the call to go in about 6 hours before she died. My sympathies OP.

No you wouldn't be a terrible person at all. There is no right or wrong in these situations. But I sat with my gran when she passed and it oddly gave me some comfort . But we are all different.

You’re not a terrible person but I do think you should go. Ask someone to go with you and help you get in there etc. and so you can be with her.

You have to go, at least you will be able to park safely.

OP one day you are going to get the call and it will be the last time. I panicked when I got the call but I pulled my mental health up by the bootstraps quickly because I knew this was it. Sometimes you just have to suck it up that it isn’t about you. It’s about the person you love. While knowing it will break your heart and cause you ongoing issues, you have to make that choice to be there for them at the last. I already had CPTSD and of course this situation added to it hugely but I went, I was there. Fuck my issues, I had to be there for my Grandad. I watched him die and felt my trauma sink deep and hard. But I wouldn’t have changed a thing. I wanted to be there for the Grandad I loved and I owed him
that to be there for him and care for him as long as possible.
I even managed to control my anxiety enough to speak at his funeral because family is a hard and ingrained love for me after living through so much abuse as a child. Please just try to do this for her. There is anxiety and there are last chances. As I’ve said, I have a severe mental health condition due to years of abuse. My anxiety rarely lets me leave the house these days. You need to know that this is important and do not let any chance go. You have to do it for your Nan. Just see her and speak to her. You don’t have to watch anything happen.

I would absolutely go. No-one likes hospital but it's just one of those things you have to do, for the people we love.

If you were on bad terms with her I wouldn't urge you to go. But you are all she has. And while she would understand you not going because she loves you this is more about her.
You will have a turmoil when she passes away and seeing her first would make it easier for you in the long run.

Of course you're not being unreasonable I understand completely. You can only do what you can do and if this is a step too far then that's completely understandable. She would'nt want you to be in a position that was so awful for you.

People are prattling on about regretting not seeing her. You might regret seeing her and it would be better for you to remember how she was rather than how she is now.

Ultimately it's you that's going to have to continue your life. You've done loads for her, it's time to put yourself first.

Don't go if it's too much and don't let others guilt or emotionally blackmail you into going if it's not the right thing for you.

Go

You'd leave her to possibly die without seeing you in case it triggers your anxiety? Wow. Just wow.

She's ill and alone and she needs you. You have to put her first and go.

Your anxiety is in your head. Her illness and frailty are physical. Go, if you don’t I guarantee your anxiety about not having seen her will be even worse.

I think you need to go, if the hospital are calling saying now is the time to visit, it means they are very worried about her.

She may have sounded ok on the phone but may not fully understand her condition, and everyone would prefer to be at home.

I think you will feel worse about her being alone in the hospital if she died and you didn't see her. You don't have to be there at the time if it's too distressing but it would be so sad for your GM if noone came to visit in her last days.