Kids' dad always seems to want to do bare minimum!

[SummerBreeze1980]

We've had a difficult day so this is large part rant and part AIBU.

I am seperated from my teenagers' father. He is a good dad in lots of ways and also not so great in others.

One thing that pisses me off is it always feels he only wants to see the kids (and parent) for the bare minimum.

He usually sees them for 2 afternoons a week.

My eldest was unwell and I had to go to hospital with her this morning. I called their dad to come and look after younger DD which he did although not his usual day. All good. He came and picked us up from the hospital when DD could come home and immediately started a negotiation because he had done 'overtime' today. It just really pisses me off. Would it hurt so much sometimes to see them a bit more and to step up a bit more?

I just can't imagine not thinking - right DD is unwell, I need to be a bit more of hand to help with this, this week. I just can't understand it!

Oh god, what a dick. Have you ever pointed out to him that most good dads would want 50/50 or is that a can of worms....

He doesn’t sound like a good dad in the slightest.
But also, your kids are teenagers? Do you need to be in contact? Certainly I wouldn’t be asking him to come look after a teenage child?

I can see why he is an ex if this is his level of care and support. YANBU The man is a selfish prick!

I'm happy with the way things are on a average week. Just bugs me the way he seems to see seeing them as like a work shift!

He does have his good qualities. And we actually get on really well and are friends. My kids are autistic so need a bit more looking after. 13yo DD couldn't be left alone all day/potentially overnight etc.

He really loves the kids and they have a very good bond. He is also very flexible and will drop anything if needed. But for some reason that I can't understand he seems very rigid with how often he sees them!

What's good about not wanting to spend time with his kids?

Yes I was wondering this

He dislikes spending time with his kids and sees it like a job he has to do rather than want to spend time with them both when one is ill enough to have to go to the hospital.

Overtime. That isn't love.

Tell him to suck it. His kid needed him there and he needed to step up for a couple hours as a parent. Period.

Some children have additional needs

Nothing!

Exactly.

If the kids are autistic, could he be autistic too? Might explain why he is rigid in his thinking. Not an excuse at all, but that just stood out to me.

He's a useless turd and clearly doesn't want to be any kind of decent parent if having his kids a couple of extra hours over his bare minimum time is seen as "overtime" does he also charge you a few for having them a few hours a week?

What a cock.

Unfortunately I am well versed in dealing with a bare minimum parent. My exH wants everyone to believe he’s dad of the year and shouts it from the rooftops…..when the reality is one phone call a week is the extent of his parenting majority of the time and he pays less than half of what he should in child maintenance.
He had the DCs at his for a few days after Christmas, and we again had a completely pointless discussion about how he will do every other weekend. Sunday, he started planting the seed about not having them at all this month because of wishy washy reasons.
I just want to scream at him and ask “well what happens if I used the same reasons you do to get out of parenting?” 🫠…..but I don’t. Because I’ve reached the point where I literally don’t care anymore. I’ve already ridden the emotional wave of chasing him to be a parent, and I’m not doing it again. If he wanted to he would 🤷🏻‍♀️ The DCs know they’ve got one parent who will show up for them no matter what, and the only person missing out at this point is him. The DCs really aren’t bothered either way. They’ll spend time with him when he can be arsed but they aren’t particularly bothered if they don’t.

Is he on the spectrum too? Perhaps changes to the routine throw him too

His child was in hospital and he wasn't? Most good fathers would wait in the waiting room or take the other child for a drink in a cafe, not just take off.

Experiencing same thing, kids saw their father for 2 hours on Christmas Day at their grandads where he is living before youngest was ringing asking to be picked up. Since then he hasn’t seen them! Oldest is 13 and youngest is 8 he’s got a crap relationship with them as he never put effort in hence why we’re not together now. But baffles me he seems to think (and his family) that this is ok.
Solo parenting all the way makes me so mad for the children who deserve better,

I’d respond to that overtime comment by asking how much per hour YOU get paid, and follow that up by asking how much overtime does he think you do per week? Fucking hell. I’m glad to be childfree because I wouldn’t be able for what so many women go through at the hands of these “men”.

I feel sorry that your children have a father who can only bother to see them 2 afternoons a week and anything more is seen as doing overtime. That isnt being a good dad atall sounds like he was more concerned about needing to sort out where he can take back his free time he lost than about his daughter who had to go to hospital. Twat.

How can he “really live his kids” if he only wants to see them 2 afternoons per week

you need to pull your head out of the sand when it comes to this man

A very high number of men IME take the shortest path possible, ignoring everything along the way.
I call my DH half job and he is one of the better ones who tries to meet half way.
I despair at some of my friends and sisters husbands.

It rather depends what he had to miss to come and supervise though. If he missed work he may genuinely need to make up that time. (As presumably OP might too??) if that’s the case I think it’s reasonable to ask if OP can help with that. She can obviously say “no”.

Is your ex-husband perhaps neurodivergent too? Hence needing routine, structure and rigidity? Not justifying it as it’s poor behaviour but, nah explain why he is so inflexible.