Is having small kids really this chaotic or am I doing something wrong?

[jey91]

I’m a recent SAHM to an almost 4 year old and a 15 month old. My 4 year old DD goes to nursery 4 days a week and finishes at 3 and my 15 month old is home with me full time. Admittedly my 15 month old has always been a “difficult” baby (which I feel awful saying) because she cries a lot and throws a lot of tantrums and always wants to be held. When she’s happy she’s a total dream but by the afternoon she gets very difficult. She will never sit in her high chair so feeding her is really difficult.
My 4yo is hard work because she constantly wants me to play with her and hates playing alone. If I play with my 15mo she gets upset. She’s also an extremely fussy eater so meal times are a nightmare.

my DH is a huge help but he doesn’t get home until 6.15 so I have 3-6.15 every day of pure chaos and I don’t know how to handle it or what I’m doing wrong. They also both want me and not DH and are constantly either sitting on me or climbing on me.

We recently moved to a new area and no baby or toddler groups are walking distance, not even any shops or coffee shops so I’m also stuck at home all day.

what I really want to know is is it normal to find it so so difficult and chaotic or am I doing something wrong?

yabu- it’s not that hard
Yanbu- it’s always chaos

Honestly that time was always witching hour with mine.

summer was easier as we could be outside.

I have 3 boys and yes it is chaos most to the time but I find it’s much easier getting them out and about. If you don’t drive even get them oldest on their bike and the little one in the buggy and go for a walk. I never felt guilty about using screens as long as they’d a good bit of exercise and fresh air. These times don’t last forever and you will miss it one day, believe it or not!

Witching hour was always the worst. Yanbu it's hard having small kids and the thing that absolutely saved me was getting out every day, a baby group here, a trip to the library there, meeting up with some other mums for coffee etc. If you've moved and you're without that daily structure then it can be really hard. Can you get a car? Or maybe a cargo bike to get out and about?

In good news, it gets easier. My kids are 3.5 and 7 and there have been days these holidays where we've not seen them for like an hour because they are deeply engrossed in some game they are playing together.

I think the issue is being in the house so much to be honest. That would drive me nuts. We would hardly ever be in the house from 3 until bedtime, let alone all day (two similar age children). I agree with pp, you need to find ways to get out even if it’s just a walk/scoot round the block or a quick trip in the car to a shop or garden centre or something. And rather than playing with one or the other, can you find activities they can both do or support them to play together? Appreciate not possible all the time but might help reduce some of the tantrums. Lastly could your 15 month go in nursery 2 morning a week to give you a break? Or can your husband commit to taking them out one morning each weekend?

I have a 5 year old now but yes she has gone through both of those two stages.

If you can do nursery pick up and then go to a playground/ soft play/ bus into town to a cafe, would that help? I have spent a lot of time at the playground.... Also a lot of people like picnics....

Good luck, you aren't doing anything wrong and I'm sure it'll get easier! (Although there will be seasons that are particularly challenging.)

Honestly I don’t remember it being that bad and I had 3 under 5 at one point. Not saying this to make you feel bad but just so you know it’s worth trying to improve things.

A couple of things you could try-

• it sounds as though your youngest might be getting overtired by the afternoon. I’d look again for baby groups or try my best to do things with them in the mornings so you get them to do a decent nap around lunchtime. Or is there a soft play you can get membership of and drive/ bus to?
• can you and DH batch cook some of the meals that the kids will eat at the weekend? Or have an easy meal plan and prep the night before? At worst if your eldest has a good meal at lunchtime just do some sandwiches and fruit/ cheese/ crackers for tea.
• I think you can and should start imposing a few boundaries with your eldest about being climbed on and sat on, and about playing with your youngest. Nothing was more guaranteed to put me in a bad mood than being pulled at and sat on all day! It’s fine to say that you’ll come and sit with her after you’ve done X, y and z or ask her to help you set the table etc but that she needs to play on her own for 10 minutes (you could even try to set something up for when she’s back, like Lego, magnates, fuzzy felt, jigsaws, pens etc);
• If they’ve had a full day, an hour of CBeebies before dinner is not the end of the world!

Usually can be....buy them nice warm clothes and take them to walk no matter where. There should be some church walking distance to you with cafe occasionally or a play park

I'm about 2 years on from there. Not a SAHM but I used to find my weekends when DH worked like that. I think you've answered some of your own question, what makes it manageable is getting out, doing things, seeing people etc. Its generally easier now my youngest is 3, they are both a bit more able to play by themselves. I know you've not asked for advice but one thing I did was had a list of very simple games and activities I'd think about each night like build the train track, make obstacle course of cushions, have a "dance party", so that when everyone got frazzled and I was out of inspiration there was an idea of something to do ready in my head. I also made quite a lot of tactical use of telly and tried to keep my expectations low.

It is hard, but it sounds like you could take a tougher approach on a few things:

They also both want me and not DH and are constantly either sitting on me or climbing on me.

Tough, they need to learn to go to DH. He takes one, alternating between them. The four year old is old enough to learn that we sit nicely and don't climb on people too. That doesn't mean she can't have cuddles! But set the boundary about sitting nicely. You are not a climbing frame!

Re 4-yr-olds fussy eating - drop the rope on this and don't turn it into a battle. Dinner is dinner, she doesn't have to eat it, but that's what's for dinner (whatever it is) and there's nothing else. If she is hungry later then she can have toast or milk or fruit.

It sounds like your 15 month old needs a post-lunch nap if she's getting grouchy in the afternoon. Does she nap at the moment? If not it would be the perfect time to introduce this and take some quiet time for yourself!

Your four year old should also be playing independently for a bit - is there anything she particularly loves doing that she can become absorbed into (like colouring for example) which would slowly allow you to withdraw?

Thank you all so much, I really do want and appreciate the advice! I want to get out more but I don’t have the car as my husband needs it for work and everywhere is such a long walk that I think my 15mo will start to get really fussy but I need to find a way.
wrt naps, 15mo does 1 1.5 hour nap a day and will absolutely not do any afternoon nap. I’ve even tried capping the first nap. She has a tendency to have split nights (2-3 hours) so I worry about messing around with naps

what’s the best way to find baby groups/classes?

I would try your local library or Facebook groups like “Mums slough and villages.”

Honestly your 15 month will get used to long walks, get a front facing pram/ pushchair so she can see things and a good footmuff/ pram suit so she is warm enough. Mine would also nap after lunch if I fed them, got them cosy in a pram and did a decent walk. Plus it was excellent for my mental health!

Yeah it’s mental. Batten down the hatches for a few years and just get through it any way you can.

Go back to work

I have a 3yo and a 7 month old and yes it's chaos. However I have some tips to have an easy life (if that's helpful to you OP)

In a nutshell:

• set out an activity for the older one. Ideally something at a table and tell them they HAVE to do it at the table or it gets packed away. I still have a large ISH toddler highchair that I strap my 3yo into if she wants to do the activity.
• Activities include: kinetic sand, water painting, actual painting, colouring, play dough, plasticine, puzzles, magnetic tiles, chalk board, sticker book or stickers and paper. Pritt stick and glitter and paper. I let her choose the activity
• set up a separate game or activity for the younger one. For me because DC is only six months this is something age appropriate like a sensory play mat/textured toys, sound toys etc etc on a padded mat.

Then I sit on a chair in the middle of them and sip a cup of tea. It's the only way I've found to have any kind of break with the two of them.

You can also use TV but honestly my two get bored of TV, so that doesn't help me much.

Oh also sometimes I just try to use the time with them for housework and that actually makes me feel more in control. Ie I do washing up and ask my eldest if she'll be "super helpful and help me" then give her a little bowl with water in it and a spoon on a tray and ask her to clean them. She splashes the water all over the tray for a few minutes, but I get a job done and it makes me feel calmer with the two of them by also getting a job done. Not sure why but it feels like killing two birds with one stone.

I also do the same for eg hanging out the washing - give my DC some tops and ask them to hang them out (inevitably they get strewn/thrown across the living room) and then praise them loads while actually doing the job. I don't know if that's helpful but once I started doing this it made everything feel less chaotic.

The house job can be made into an activity for them and at least you have the satisfaction of getting something done as well as looking after them.

I read something a long while back somewhere that has held me in good stead.
'A mother is not an entertainer.' You don't have to entertain your children constantly and pander to their need to be entertained. It helps me to set boundaries to repeat that to myself and my kids. I feed them, clothe them, make sure they are clean and have somewhere to safe to live, and teach them life skills. But you do not have to be their constant entertainer as well.
Of course you can provide entertainment if you wish, but this part you can outsource too. Even to the tv if you want to.
Of course I entertain my kids really but when I am drained from their constant needs for me to be their court jester and private playground then I think of that saying.
I outsourced entertainment mostly to nursery, soft play, creche and classes. Repeat to yourself 'I am not an entertainer or a one woman show or a climbing frame or an activity centre'.

What’s interesting about your posts is that you keep saying “my 15 month old won’t” do this or that
in the nicest way possible this is a lot of your problem. You’re allowing them to dictate what they do rather than parent. If you don’t get this sorted now it will get much worse as they get older.
You need some rules. A high chair or some sort of chair for meals is non negotiable. We had the toddler table and chairs for mine and they knew that to get a nice snack they sat down there for it. Otherwise no snack. They sat in high chairs or booster seats with straps at the table for dinner. My youngest never liked it much but she knew she had to.
Your 4 year old is old enough to know not to climb over you. So, to some extent is your younger one. Remove each time and say mummy is not a climbing frame. I will hug or cuddle you nicely but climbing over me hurts and we don’t do that to people. Set the boundaries.
Kids often prefer their mum at a young age but there is another parent and they need to do their share, for your own sanity as well. Get into the routine of each child having 15 minutes of just daddy time an evening and build it up. Maybe daddy could read the older one a book and that’s their time.
Your older one has to learn to play alone. Set some activities up and ask them to draw a picture for daddy or grandma or something to start with. Reward them on a sticker chart if you need to.
I have 2 within 12 months of each other and the younger years are definitely hard but it sounds like you are making them harder by allowing them to call the shots. For your own sanity you need to make some changes