Daughter reluctant to make friends

[AmyJahabee]

My 9 year old DD is reluctant to play with other children at playgroup or sit with other and eat.

I have posted before about her not playing with other children.

we moved house about 9 months ago and she is finding it difficult to make and maintain friendships in the new school. I have been talking to the teachers and they have repeated said to me my daughter said she doesn’t want to play with anyone and want to sit by herself during lunchtime. I feel so sad about it as I know deep down she want to make friends. As usually she seem much happier when she engaged and played with other children Vs when she have a day by herself in the playground.

she is always asking me to arrange play dates with her old friends from the other school. I currently do often but it’s 20miles away and I’m tired of driving constantly to arrange play dates, take them out etc. I told her she need to try and make new friends in the new area.

but why is she pushing and not wanting to engage and make an effort??

I’m getting very exhausted trying to help her.

Stop pushing her, she’ll find her own feet. If she is happy playing on her own, let her do that. When she wants to approach or be approached by the kids, then new friendships may form. Until then, leave her to it unless you’re concerned that she’s genuinely lonely. But it just sounds like she’s fine by herself but still values her old friendships.

I feel she is genuinely lonely.
Eg: on a day she play with other children when I pick her from school she is very happy chatting and full of energy.

On a day she play by herself and eat by herself, when I pick her from school she usually seem very sad.

In that case I would contact new school, see if they can see how she is during her day and give you feedback.

The unfortunate thing is that our brain will look for signs to confirm our biases. What you feel is what you will see.
Have you actually talked to her and asked her how she feels? Why she doesn't seem to want to make friends? She is 9. She is perfectly capable of having a conversation about her feelings with you.

Sounds like she is sad and lost without her old friends and unhappy that she was forced to leave them. Same happened to me when I was 12. I always felt like the new girl/outsider until I went to university, not sure why but never settled in. Could you try and get her to join a club outside of school so she can make friends there ?

Where there any other changes related to the move that could also be having an impact?

Could you look into any outside of school clubs/activities to try build her friendships that way

Might there be cultural issues, OP? (I ask because your english sounds like it maybe isn't your first language, so wondering if your DD has moved from another country?)

If this might be an issue, is there any bullying going on? Or is she floundering with the change? Changing school is very stressful anyway, changing country, or changing schools twice or more in quick succession even more so).

If bullying you need to speak to the school and insist they tackle it. You might be able to find a local group from your home country where she can make some friends her age who can help her out with cultural issues.

For the stress of changing school though, time and a loving home help. Getting her involved in other local activities - guides? a sport? drama group? church? might give her a way to form links with other kids her age, possibly some in her school.

Have you modelled making new friends since the move yourself? Children will absorb what they see around them, and showing you putting yourself out of your comfort zone and socialising with new people may do more than all your encouragement.

I would keep pushing the teachers to try some tactics, regardless of whether they think she is fine or not.

I’d also be tempted to limit old friends play dates so she doesn’t rely on them.

Can she join any local clubs?

I’m from different country my daughter is not white but she is born in the UK and her friends from the other school are all Caucasian. In her current school majority white. I don’t believe it’s race as she has played with white children since she was born and make friends.

In terms of bullying I have asked her so many times if anyone is been unkind etc she says no.