To move another 15 minutes further away from DPs? 30 minutes in total.

[SnV41]

Hi,

To sum up, my DPs, both early 70's, moved to be closer to us a couple of years ago. Their choice. We never pushed them and they literally had nothing holding them where they were other than memories. No hobbies, commitments or friends, so it made sense for everyone. Both children and all grandchildren here.

Anyway, we were happy to have them closer and they seem to be settling in well, so all good. My brother is 2 minutes away from them and I am currently 15 minutes away. Before they even moved, I made it clear that we would likely be moving soon, but not far, as that didn't seem fair, given the big move they have recently made.

We always had a 30 minute cut off when looking at areas, but was hoping it wouldn't be quite so far. We have recently found an area that we really like and that just feels like home. We can't put our finger on why, it just does, so we've been focusing our search there. It's 25-30 minutes away from them.

The problem is, whenever I mention it to my mum specifically, she "jokes" that they moved to be closer to us and now we're moving away! It's really not a joke though. I know she genuinely thinks it's wrong, but I really think she's being unfair. It's another 15 minutes! They lived hours away before. We're not particularly happy where we are, which they know.

I am always there for them and we've even deliberately been looking at houses which could accommodate them if necessary for the short or long term, so they are very much factored in to our decision.

This area we're looking at, we obviously really like, but in all honesty, if it weren't for them moving to be closer, we'd probably be looking at a completely different county!

Anyway, my DP thinks I'm being silly and that I should ignore the comments, as they're unfair and we're already factoring their needs into the move.

I agree really, but just thought I'd see what your thoughts were and also see if anyone can relate. I know mum guilt is a thing and I'm certainly used to that, but it seems that daughter/son guilt is a thing too, as our DPs age.

Thanks.

YANBU- they moved knowing that you might make a small local move. Feel zero guilt and do what’s best for you and your children. 30 mins is still very “local” in my book. We have parents several hours away and one set in another country so 30 minutes feels on the door step to me (probably too close for comfort).

Listen to your husband and don't listen to your mother's comments as she's being very unfair. She's entitled to be upset if she wants but she should be keeping that to herself and it isn't your problem. I personally think you should have all options on the table for moving and if that means further than a half hour then so be it. You have to put yourself and family first. I think your doing more than enough even considering places that could facilitate your parents to move in if need be in the future. I wouldn't even consider that tbh- hell would have to freeze over before I'd let my parents move in with me.

Also 30mins I would consider close, it really not far at all

30 minutes is nothing. Your parents are being ridiculous.

Do what's best for you. We are 67 and 71 and last year moved about 30 minutes from dd and nearly an hour away from ds2. Ds1 doesn't drive so wouldn't be able to help us anyway.
We are not expecting any help from them but dd has said she is willing to do whatever we need, obvously hoping not to need help for a long time.
I'm not in the business of guilt tripping my children.

Do what is best for you, your husband and your kids. You were upfront with your parents and they moved knowing that. If she continues to guilt you just stop updating her.

You can say once, "we always told you it was our plan to move a little further away" and then just stop with the updates, if she asks about the move just say "yes it is happening, but as you always get upset there's no point in bringing it up"

Parents need to understand that our children are only “on loan to us” until they fledge.

Parents need to realise that sometimes their children are entitled to move across to the other side of the world if the opportunities are better.

Parents need to remember that probably when they were younger they moved to exactly where the work was or the housing fitted their budget. Presumably your gran and grandad had to accept that for your parents if indeed that was the case?

Conversely parents are free agents too. They can go live abroad or 4 hours up the country if they care to do so or go back packing for a year without any recourse to their adult kids. Many parents do actually do these things and kids just have to suck it up.

Stop being emotionally blackmailed. 30 minutes is nothing. Make the move.
Good luck in your lovely new home.

I wouldn't ignore it, I'd have a chat with her and say it's worrying you and you had told her this was the plan.

Reassure them it won't affect how often you see them (assuming it won't) and so it won't impact them! Your brother is there for emergencies and otherwise life will continue as normal.

@SnV41 I commuted over an hour a day for 20 years and managed a full 8+ hours of work. Many do 12+ hours with an hours commute. I currently do a 2+ hour round trip to see my parents at least twice a week.

A 30 minute journey is perfectly reasonable. I would just ignore your Mum and buy the house you want.

25 to 30 minutes is still incredibly close, do what is best for you and your family.

Move. Your mum is being ridiculous. If this is what she's like now god knows what she'll be like when she's 80.

TBH they will just have to lump it. It’s not as if you’re moving two hundred miles away!

None of my siblings, nor dh’s, have ever lived very close to our parents. But then my DPs never lived very close to their parents, either. It was always at least a half hour drive, or (before we had a car) a lengthy journey via more than one train and Shank’s Pony (if any MNers still understand that expression!).

Dh and I have lived a 7 hour flight away, and so for a while did a sister and BiL. My folks just accepted it as part of grown-up adult life.

Your mother is being ridiculous and I would tell her so.
Move where is best for your family.
30 minutes is nothing.

30 minutes is very local, so why would it be an issue? Anything up to about an hour is easily doable/local.

I live in Edinburgh. It takes 30 minutes to get from one side to the other most days. Crazy making a fuss. My dad is 2.5 hours away....now that's a problem. My husband was 40 minutes away when I first met him. They have been spoilt

Move

We moved 2.5 hrs away.

Best move we ever did!

We moved countries a couple of years ago and based our property search on a one hour radius from my son and his family. However, we made it very clear that this in no way obliged them to stay where they currently live forever. As their family grows it would be totally unreasonable of us to expect them to stay living where they are, and I would hate it if they felt any pressure to restrict their life choices based on a decision that we made freely.

You are talking about 30 minutes OP. Just do it.

You have to do what is right for your family. I’m in London. No one gets anywhere in under 30 min - doesn’t stop us going where we want to go or seeing who we want to see

You could always sit your parents down and tell them that the comments have to stop. That you have limited yourself to homes within 30 minutes of them, which is not what you wanted but if you have years of jabs to look forward to then you'll be looking further afield like you actually wanted, because you may as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb.

Thanks for all your replies.

Tbh, you're all saying what I kind of knew and what my friends have been saying.

If I really think about it, my DPs have definitely become more reliant on us and I think now kind of expect us to be there all the time. Tbf, they've both had some ill health - especially my mum, but again, I'm always there. They are grateful and will say so, but I do think they kind of expect us now to all be there, as and when. They don't have a very healthy relationship though, which is probably another reason I feel guilty, as I often feel like I need to help with that too! For example, my dad is completely reliant on my mum for everything and doesn't do anything for himself or by himself. Now my mum can't always be at his beck and call (obviously never should have been!) because she's not always feeling well, I think it gets pushed onto us, rather than onto him.

Hmm this is going in an unexpected direction actually. I think my brother and I, plus partners, have kind of inadvertently become their glue.

Going against the grain here but unless there is a really pressing need to move I would stop and think before I moved further away. My mum relocated after my dad’s death to be near me and I was immensely glad that in her last years I was able to provide here the social and familial support of being effectively “on the doorstep”. We were close enough that my 10 yo dd could cycle to gran’s on her own, and I could pop round to sort out a dodgy extractor fan or whatever she needed, or just to have a quick cuppa, without any drama or planning. It afforded my mum a lot more independence, and reduced the anxiety often associated with growing old (especially as my dad died relatively young from cancer and she felt lonely). Once she was beyond driving, my proximity meant I could also help her stay sociable and active because I could take her out and about with minimal inconvenience.

Knowing that I didn’t leave my mum feeling put out, anxious or nervous about her old age was worth its weight in gold when she died - I was guilt-free and had many happy memories even of the mundane moments in her later life, and lots of extra-special moments that would not have existed if she couldn’t simply pop round to see me on a whim.

Im not saying “don’t move” but when someone you love has a broken hip, or is recovering from pneumonia and doesn’t want to be put in a home (rest of time totally savvy and independent) it’s a lot easier if you don’t have to drive an hour round trip just to pop in and check on her. I would have deeply regretted moving away - as it was, I was able to be at my mums side when she died as I had happened to phone her, she felt poorly - I sprinted over by to her house (literally) and saw her collapse as I passed her window - I raced inside and was able to comfort her as she died in my arms. It’s an extreme thing but to me that was absolutely priceless - if it had taken me 40 mins (find shoes, organise myself, jump in car) I would not have been there for her at that final moment.

Worth at least considering if you want to be the one your parents come to depend on, or want to let them fend for themselves and maybe use care homes. I feel totally neutral about that decision - I probably wouldn’t do the same for PIL as I did for my mum - but it’s something you have to confront squarely and ask yourself what the next twenty years might look like, where you want to position yourself, what kind of dd do you want to be?

A very personal decision based on your family, your own situation and so on.

Where is your db in all this? If he is only 2 mins away surely it can be 50:50

Your DH is right, ignore them & move.

You have been more than fair and you warned them of a potential move before they bought their new house.

You're hardly emigrating to Australia are you?

Your Mum’s emotionally manipulative passive aggressive “comments” hint at far more lying under the surface here.
In fact having read your update it seems my suspicions are confirmed - get away now before you are fully relied on for everything and life becomes much more difficult.
You can help to arrange extra care for them if that’s what they need, but this should not all fall on you.

My advice is to move house that better for you and your family. You might be moving for a better area, better schools or better public transport as your kids get older. With a half an hour's drive your available to help but not all of the help is landed on you.
Your parents decided to move near you and they were aware that you could be moving to a new house.

Your brother also lives 5 mins away from them also.

My feeling is that your mother thinks that you and your families life can revolve around her and your father needs as they get older. The reality is that you have a husband, kids and you may be working outside the home. Yes you are willing to help them if they need help but you can't put your own plans or life on hold doing this.

I have friends with parents older than yours and some of them ended up as careers. I have seen the physical and mental stress this caused my friends.
One of my friends ended up moving into a parents house for a few weeks after they had a bad fall and had a hip fracture. The same parent never even gave my friend £10 for all the help they were given then. My friend is currently making plans so they won't be as available in the future for care. They are keeping quiet about there plans until they have something definite.

I have also seen friends of mine living with elderly parents with failing health. The parents have a lot of doctors and hospital appointments. It hard to get help, respite or appointments with certain services and parents can live for years with failing health.
I would not advise anyone to let elderly parents move in with them because it puts a large amount of stress on you, your marriage and kids.