Unsure if I want out of relationship

[rainandshine38]

So prior to 2023 I had a good relationship with my DHs family. Friendly with his sisters. Then in 2023 one of his sisters started to be hostile to me and removed me from FB. I thought it was a mistake at first and contacted her but she denied it and never added me again. I then noticed if I turned up to family dos she would walk out of the rooms or leave and a few weeks ago whilst she was on speaker phone to my DH I said hello and she ignored me. I said hello again and she said ‘whatever’. She stopped coming round to the house and it affected her relationship with my daughter who she was close to so it’s obviously something she regards as significant. I discussed this with my DH and he said he didn’t know why she was doing this and he’s asked his brothers and mother and they said they don’t know. However, I feel they do know but won’t say and I now feel this situation has affected my mental health. I feel like my DH isn’t addressing it and says there is no point speaking to his sister as she will probably deny it.The situation is making me question if I can or want to stay in this relationship. I know he loves me but this conspiracy of silence is insufferable and I can’t continue to tolerate it.

Is he continuing his relationship with her unchanged? Have you explained how upset you feel at being unsupported?

Have you explained to DH that you can't continue in this way? Have you explained that unless he has your back, you might end the relationship because you feel unloved and unsupported?

I became quite upset after the phone call. He said he would speak to her then his mum got ill and he was in touch with all his family to sort that situation then he just never ended up speaking to her. He was reluctant anyway as he said ‘she will just deny it’. (It’s definitely the way she responds to confrontation.)

I don't understand why he says he has talked to the rest of the family but he won't actually ask his sister herself. It sounds to me as though he knows what the issue is but doesn't want to fall out with her. It certainly sounds as though he is prioritising his family over you.

If this situation is intolerable to you then you need to tell your H that you are thinking of ending your marriage over it and see if that will nudge him into actually having things out with his sister. If he doesn't then you will know where you stand.

Hardly a deal breaker. Ask him to actually ask her what's up. In the meantime change your focus. She's got a problem, not you.

Tbh none of them may know. Two fallings out in my family that no-one knows why/what it’s about. One probably stuff that goes back years, the other probably nothing to do with anyone in the family - but a way of dealing with issues elsewhere.

Just ignore her unless you end up in the same room alone and then ask bluntly.

Yes I think he thinks if he doesn’t act it will just go away. For me it’s just festering and causing depression. I feel like even prisoners on death row get to have a trial but this family silence is cruel and I’m now actually not wanting to see any of them. Which is probably what she wants.

You simply can't think of ANYthing you might have said to sister?

Could you turn up on her doorstep to talk?

I think DH is being quite pathetic and unhelpful

It's up to you of course OP, you can end a relationship for any reason you like, but to me this seems like a massive overreaction. Who cares if his sister doesn't like you? As long as things are good between you I would put this out of your mind and move on.

I can’t think of anything I particularly have done. There haven’t been many situations ( if any) when it’s just been me without DH.

Mm a familiar feeling ‘I’m over reacting’

She isn’t now obviously. I think my major feeling is lack of any support from DH about it to resolve it. More than my needing his SIL in my life.

@Smartjaffamaybe, and that’s why I’ve posted in AIBU but thanks for reiterating it.

@Smartjaffaonce again, thanks.

@Smartjaffaive already said my mental health has been affected so you can stop having digs now and move on. You’ve made your point quite clearly.

It sounds a really horrible situation, like you’re being ostracised and no idea why. I get what your upset as DH should have your back 💐

OP has posted for advice not repeated snippy remarks about how she’s overreacting. Her reference to prisoners on death row highlights the death/end of her relationship with her SiL, the trial to the lack of discussion about the cause of the issue. OP is expressing how upset and confused she feels about her SiL and how her DH appears distanced.

OP, your DH knows his sister better than you, has said more than once she will deny if confronted, so his intervention would be pointless. Possibly he is being lazy and conflict avoidant.
You could try approaching her yourself and insisting she explains. At least you’d know you tried.
Tbh ignoring your greeting then responding with ‘whatever’ is quite immature (rather Kevin and Perry imo).
Alternatively completely ignore her and deny her a cm of your headspace.

It is not you it is his sister. This is her stuff but it is tough on you and id very hurtful to be treated like that. I would match her energy and treat her the same way.

Ah I feel bad for you OP and I understand what you meant by the death row comment - I took it to mean that she has put herself as judge, jury and executioner without you even understanding why or getting to have a say. She is being very childish. It must be something big for her to be reacting this way but if it WAS something big then you’d surely know what it was! Could you have posted anything on SM that may have offended her?! Not that that’s an excuse, normal emotionally healthy grown ups would just have a word with you to clear the air!

It’s probably about something your DH has told her, this is why he doesn’t want to bring it up and is hoping it will go away.

I’m in agreement with this.

id be asking your DH if he’s said something to her about you or something that you’ve said?