AIBU to want a divorce 3 weeks post partum?

[Mistytreees]

I had our second baby three weeks ago. The first few days were amazing, my partner really stepped up in ways he had never done before. Helping, being sympathetic, taking care of our first born, even buying me flowers. It was completely different to how he was with the first baby, I was relieved and felt over the moon. Then the mask slipped and he reverted to his old ways. Complaining that he is tired, leaving it to me to do everything at night (I am even having to sleep on the couch downstairs as I am breast feeding during the night as he sleeps peacefully in our bed upstairs); not organising baby clothes as he says he is busy with our toddler; not helping me with food or anything (also note I had an emergency c section so am not very mobile).

it is more however the complete lack of empathy. Every day he makes me feel like shit. Subtle digs, emotional responses and almost enjoying leaving me upset after interactions. He even went so far as to ruin Christmas Eve for me and my toddler by having a complete meltdown about where his parents would stay when they came to visit in the New Year. He ruined the evening and had absolutely no remorse.

things have not been great for a while but I keep forgiving and forgetting to try and have a nice and normal family life. But I feel like o can’t do this anymore. He is breaking me. I cry every day because of him and he just does not care.

I'd wait till you were at least mobile and not looking after a new-born. To be blunt, you'd end up looking after a new-born and a toddler with no help whatsoever if you went for a divorce now. He sounds awful and cruel to be honest. Don't have any more children, no matter what he promises. Just focus on making a plan and think about how good life will be in the future when you don't have to put up with him. I think your dream of a happy family life with this man is just that, a dream. I am sorry it must have been a dreadful shock to realise the transformation hadn't stuck. Can you get any help from family or actually paying for somebody to come in for a few hours as a casual nanny?

Why did you have a second child with him if he was awful after the first? He sounds like a total arsehole but this specific crisis is on you - you knew what he would be like.

Chuck him out, you and your kids deserve better.

Start making a plan. Housing? Nursery? Money? How to split parenting?
Leave then you are ready not in a rush if not needed.

What changed when his mask slipped? Did he go back to work? Was the marriage in trouble before getting pregnant?

Was it a planned visit from the in laws? Where had they arranged to stay?

Why are you sleeping on the sofa? Just get into bed, he can go down if he likes?

PND caused me to think I didn’t want to stay with my husband. I am eternally grateful I didn’t make any rash decisions during those gruelling 12 months. I was can acknowledge that at times I was unreasonable now. I thought he was the biggest jerk I’d ever met for months and only saw the bad.

Im not siding with your husband, just offering my perspective.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but now is not the time for big decisions. Is there any truth to his claim that he's busy helping the toddler when you're asking for help with the baby?

The digs are never OK and I would point out the hurtfullness every time. That said, you are both in a major transition and exhausted (though you SHOULD get the additonal slack considering you've just had a c section and are feeding through the night...)

Give it time, and I mean 6 months or so at least, before you make any big decisions.

I wouldn't split right now, you need to be moving and also you have so much on your plate so give yourself the time to recover from csection and the baby blues. But in the meantime I would be stashing money, getting copies of all paperwork, removing everything special/sentimental, smuggling things out of the house- take it all to a family or friends house who will keep it safe. I'd sort housing, childcare, work. I would see a solicitor secretly to discuss the kids as knowledge is power, and a divorce solicitor if you are married.
I would then also get evidence - evidence of his current parenting role and what he does day to day, evidence of his treatment of you, evidence if there are any concerns of his parenting. If it ended up going to family court then you'll need all of this.
So, use this time to get prepared and focus on you and your children. With the aim of ending it soon.
If it helps tp know, I knew things weren't right when my 2nd child was born. But I made excuses like the stress of a new baby, maternity pay, etc. So I set myself a 6 month deadline after I went back to work and saved every penny I could, all why he continued to not change. I left when my youngster was 18months old after making so many excuses, I wish I had left much sooner. So don't wait as long as me, but also get yourself in a position of strength by having everything behind the scenes secretly organised and sorted, don't just snap and blurt it out. Because once you do split, he will be angry and it's much harder to get paperwork, etc. Fingers crossed for you.

I suppose a good question for yourself, to take away the hormonal aspect, is did you want to divorce him before baby number 2?

Reasoned advice.

I was prepared based on your title to say YABU, but after reading your post, he doesn’t sound like a nice person. If this is normal behaviour from him, then what’s the point in staying.

I can't get over him making you sleep on the sofa whilst he takes the bed, even though you're healing from a c section. The man is a prick.

This is emotional abuse OP. The only thing you can do right now to help yourself is to get as far away from him as possible. Speak to women’s aid speak to your family get some help to leave or make him leave. Make a claim for UC right now and tell them you are separated you might even qualify for free nursery sessions for your toddler.

What would happen if you stayed in the bed OP?

Co-sleeping on a sofa isn’t safe (not to mention bloody uncomfortable I’m sure!) get DH on the sofa, you and baby in the bed. Then once your sleep is better and safer, make an informed choice (to kick the bugger out!)

Start planning to leave. If you know things are going to change, it will be easier to cope with in the meantime.

But right now, get yourself healed and well. You need yourself physically well, to manage the split. Put a timeline in of you want - but make sure you ensure you are physically recovered.

Maybe speak to a trusted family member or friend who can help you out a little - either helping make phone calls, or being an excuse so you can go and view a house etc.

Get a coil fitted ASAP so that this definitely doesn't happen again.

So long as your H isn't a risk to you and your children stay and use him financially and as practically as you can (as child care for toddler). Wait until you are back in with after maternity leave, then divorce. Use this time to plan how to leave.