It's a long one!
I come from a family with a lot of trauma. I have two older half sisters, 9 and 11 years older than me. They are my dads children from his first marriage. My dad was an abusive drunk to their mum and the marriage ended in divorce, due to my dads frequent affairs.
A very short time after they separated, my parents began seeing each other. My mum was recently divorced with no children. She and my dad married soon after his divorce. They struggled to conceive together and had several losses. My dad had infrequent contact with my older half sisters and their mum married a lovely man soon afterwards.
middle sister never got along with my mum, yet my older sister did have some sort of relationship with her. My mum has never had anything kind to say of their mother, often mocking her to me and calling her names. My siblings were never aware of this. Middle sister had a polite, yet more strained relationship with our dad, especially as they got older. She placed a lot of blame on his behaviour towards their mum on some of the struggles she experienced as she grew up.
Both siblings have always been bullies in their own way; older sister has always been very bossy and domineering, middle is really tall and has always used that to intimidate people, along with being very patronising. I had a closer relationship with my older sister when I was younger, middle sister was always very jealous of me and dismissive. She projected a lot of her issues with my parents onto me and still does.
When my older sisters children were born, I used to see them quite often and do things with them, I loved being their aunt and there is only 10 years between myself and her oldest daughter. Middle sister never visited and made sure we had very limited contact with her children. My mum would act odd and often go and sit upstairs when she would actually visit. This used to make me feel uncomfortable as a teen.
I eventually had a child of my own. Older sister was helpful as I was only 20, middle sister never visited which was fine. I've always respected the life they experienced with our dad, as I seen it all too until he eventually turned his life around when I was 8. I understood that they had grown up seeing things children shouldn't see.
As time went on, I started to stand up for myself a little towards my older sisters dominant nature, she grew resentful and stopped speaking to me and my parents. We never fell out, I just simply said 'no' one day and she stopped speaking to all of us. I never challenged or questioned her choices, although found it odd that she totally cut off her dad and my mum, as although they weren't massively close, she would call in every couple of months to see them.
About 4 years later, she messaged me after a relative had died and we spoke. Myself, partner and DD were invited round to her house and met her new partner. DP took DD home as she was tired and she said she wanted to call into see our dad, I thought this odd as she'd cut them off but agreed to go with her. When we arrived, they didn't really speak to her and it was all very awkward. She left and never spoke to them again. This was seven years ago.
A year later she got married and only myself and partner were invited. I was heavily pregnant at the time and hadn't seen her since that occasion the year before, as she had declined any meetings with me after that day. Always too busy etc. We went to the wedding but I really felt uncomfortable, due to some of hers and her friends behaviour towards me. After that, she never contacted me again except for when I had my DS. She never came to visit and I was told she was busy when I offered to visit them.
Fast forward to two years ago. I no longer speak to my parents, in fact they have told some atrocious lies about me. My mum was vile to me about 7 months after I left my abusive, gambling addict partner. When I first left, I was mentally in a really bad place. I'd suffered PND after the birth of my son years before and found myself back on antidepressants. I actually reached out to my sister for help after the birth of my son as she is a health visitor however, she ignored my message. Both times when I had PND and when I left my partner, I felt very suicidal and really struggled with myself. For years, I had been emotionally and financially abused.
When I left, my parents offered to help me and I was grateful someone wished to do so. I've always been independent and never had support from anyone, as both my parents have been very self involved over the years, along with being very controlling over each other. Looking back, I've always struggled with anxiety and depression, much because I grew up in a hostile home where nothing was ever right. Myself and my children lived with them for five months until I got a place, my money was tight as I was paying off debt my ex had left and my mum offered to help me.
My parents are very financially secure and I have never had anything from them before. It was always me that would pay for them if we went out, I'd always treat my mum if we went anywhere, I'd paid for her to come on holidays with us. They helped with childcare while I worked and I always felt indebted to them for that. They always had opinions on everything I did, and because I'd grown up with this, for a long time I didn't realise how critical and cruel they could actually be towards me.
When I went back to live with them, a lot of realisations hit and my relationship with my partner and what I'd been through made sense, there was patterns in the relationships. I could see how his emotional abuse and constant guilt tripping was similar to my mums behaviour towards all of us. I could see how subconsciously, I'd been comfortable because I'd never really been treated with love and kindness for much of my life.
When I got a place, my mum gifted me new carpets and borrowed me the money for new beds and wardrobes. My money was so tight and I agreed to pay her back each month for the furniture. She would often offer me money and would seem offended if I said no. Other times, she would buy shopping that I didn't need and I'd accept saves being ungrateful. I would always offer to repay her and she would refuse, saying one day they might need help and I'd be expected to repay their support.
I was at their house one day, when my mum said she felt unwell. I offered to help her in the kitchen, when she began shouting at me and then threw her kitchen utensils at me. She can be a very dramatic person but I'd had enough of her behaviour and for once, shouted back at her to stop. My dad then grabbed me by my neck and dragged me out of the kitchen. I was told to leave their house and that she was disinheriting me. I pointed out it wasn't her house and that I'd always planned to split it with my siblings, when she screamed that would be over her dead body. I left and haven't spoken to them since.
A few months after this, my DD had called in to see them, as she had taken my dad a birthday card off her and my DS, when she said my older sister was at the house. She said she felt awkward, as she hadn't seen her for years and left. A few months later at Christmas, my children called in on Boxing Day to see them, to find my sister and two of her children there. She gave them each a present (my DS had never met her in his life), calling herself 'aunty' and they were told to hug her by my parents. They again felt odd and left.
This Christmas, my parents went to my older sister's house for dinner. My DC have again received a gift off her via my parents, saying "lots of love from aunty.....". This has left us all feeling really uncomfortable, as she has never met my youngest child except once for half an hour, and hasn't had contact with my DD in years. My niece and nephew have deleted me off their social media since my parents have been back in contact with them, so I know they have been saying nasty things about me.
It would be very typical of them to be sitting around, pulling me apart, just as they used to with my sisters. It hurt when they deleted me, as even though my sister can be difficult, I have always loved and would have always been there for them. There have been times when things have come back to me and I've defended them in their absence.
My DD came home today, saying she had received a text from my dad inviting her and my DS to my sisters house next month, as it's my mums birthday and she's throwing her a birthday party. My DD said my dad took great pleasure in telling her they'd both been invited, obviously I have not. I find this all really strange and feel like they are ganging up on me to be honest, even attempting to do so through my children.
My sisters mum died three years ago and my mum still never had anything good to say about her however, she had been telling my DD how sorry she feels for my eldest sister, as she misses her mum greatly. It's all taken a really odd turn and they are super close. I don't know if my middle sister has anything to do with them now.
AIBU to say that my children do not want to receive gifts from a woman they barely know and don't wish to attend the party? My poor DS said she doesn't feel comfortable going but is worried of the repercussions if she doesn't attend, as my parents can be very vindictive. My mum still insists she receives gifts off my children for birthdays and Christmas, and will call and complain to my DD if she doesn't receive anything. I buy them gifts so they don't give my children a hard time. I am feeling so low and frankly unloved right now. I really wish this wasn't our family. Sorry for the long post. To be honest, I'm also worried about what lies they'll come out with next.