Have you ever only realised you have feelings for someone, once they get with someone else?

[MyPetLampshade]

Or am I just a terrible person?

I have a friend who I have been close to for around 12 years. We don't see one another a lot but we speak on the phone or video call regularly.

I have dated two people during this time, for 5 years one of them, but then only for a few weeks. Friend has always been single.

When I have been single we have slept together. We've maintained an emotional closeness, but I have always thought it couldn't ever be anything more due to huge lifestyle differences and other reasons.

Friend recently got into a relationship. Contact has dwindled somewhat due to friend spending time dating and away for weekends etc. I missed friend's contact but was also very happy as I'd always encouraged this and always told friend I'd love to see them happy and in a relationship, as I'd had them but friend hadn't.

Anyway recently my feelings seemed to change overnight. I feel like I may have been stupid, not seeing what was right in front of me, as despite other relationships I have had, this friendship has been mutually supportive and loving and maybe the differences aren't anywhere near as important as I had thought previously.

Of course I am not going to say anything, because this would mean putting people in a difficult position. I told a different, separate friend who asked me if I was just feeling this due to the new relationship and if it hadn't have happened would I have still felt this way? I am not sure, maybe it made me realise things but I don't think it is a false feeling. Has it happened to anyone else? I haven't had this happen before but it isn't pleasant and feels quite uncomfortable.

I think this quote common but these are not romantic feelings. You lost access to their inner world, frequency of contact and safe friendly sex. That's what you are missing. The differences that put you off are still there. Sit it out and you'll feel much differently about it in a month or so (one your brain learns to get its dopamine from elsewhere)

You only want him because he’s no longer there as your back-up. I think it’s completely normal but try to move past it. If you were that attached to this person you would have known imo.

Thank you both. Friend had often commented that we were more like a relationship than my actual relationship was (which is true unfortunately, when I was dating it wasn't a good relationship at all and I put up with far too much, friend was a great support).

I did wonder, but I have never had anything like this happen before, I do not seem to have a point of reference for these feelings or what to do with them!

I was in a physical relationship with a friend on and off, for 4 years, that morphed into a kinda exclusive platonic friendship for a year. Now he wants to start looking around for a 'proper' relationship, but won't be with me - neither of us want that! The second poster on here hits the nail on the head beautifully. In my situation, I am sad about losing safe 'closeness without having to live with him', missing the hugs, means I may have to bite the bullet and date again (I'm too old and idiosyncratic for that shit!).

OP, I feel your pain. It'll get better. If you can, stay friends with him! Safe male friends are priceless.

I have a point of reference. I have a friend whom I had casual sex with. We then both had separate relationships. Mine ended. It was all very painful and messy. Then, a few months later my friend told me he is thinking about leaving his partner and I had a few weeks of complete obsession with him. I had to sit myself down and give myself a talking. The truth was that at that time he was a "safe guy" who could rescue me from my breakup pain and whisk me away into the metaphorical ever after instead of me going into the big wild world and dating new scary people. Once I realised that, the feeling passed.

Thanks again all.

I have left friend to it essentially.

Another issue arose last night- they were meant to be my 'date' at a do I have coming up, organised by another friend. I told organiser friend that this friend may now not want to come as they have a girlfriend and organiser friend said girlfriend is welcome to come too. So last night I told my friend this and it turns out they'd feel too awkward to be around both of us as they have feelings for me.

Life's a minefield even with supposed trivialities sometimes!