Anti social teenager

[ByWittyDenimCat]

AIBU?

I have a 14 year old stepdaughter who’s with us every other weekend. I pick her up on my way home from work on a Friday and she’s with us until Sunday evening. When she’s getting something from me, or I’m taking her somewhere she’s nice as can be. When she doesn’t need me anymore, or she’s got what she wants the attitude returns.I ask her for help with something in the house (taking the rubbish out or cleaning up) I get the huff and the eye roll or she’ll just plain ignore me. When I’m alone with her and I try to engage her in conversation - I just get the basic answers to what I’m asking. No sort of engagement back into making it a conversation. She just gives an answer and then back to playing on the phone.

am I unreasonable to just give up bothering?? This has been going on for months and I’m fed up of walking on egg shells around her.

Sounds like a normal 14 yr old. It's not personal. They may be adult sized but they do not have adult brains. Hang in thereshe will come out the other side.

You don't mention her dad.

What's she like with him?

She’s absolutely fine with him! He talks to her and gets a conversation out of her.

She, to be fair, probably doesn’t want a step mum. I had step parents when I was that age - I was furious. I didn’t want these other random adults in my life telling me what to do or asking me to help them put the rubbish out. She won’t have asked for any of this, and you have been brought into her family, not the other way round. Try to see it from her point of view - she’s 14 (which is a hard age anyway).

sorry if I sound quite harsh and miserable but as a child of multiple divorced parents who remarried (both of them, twice) I’m always on the side of the kids who have no say in any of it.

Doesn’t sound anti social, sounds like a typical teenager. It’s what you signed up for when you got involved with her father so yes, YABU.

even though I’ve been here for the past 11 years??

do I just stop bothering then?

it’s me she asks for lifts to places. Do I stop being the taxi service if she doesn’t want a step mum? In my eyes she can’t have it both ways.

I agree she’s not had any choice in this arrangement has she of having a step mum in her life? Shes 14 too that’s a difficult age to be going through this. I wouldn’t be asking her to do jobs in the house..that’s probably not going to improve her feelings towards you at the moment.

If she has any memory of her mum and dad being together I would completely understand. But I’ve been there her whole life.

Oh I see! When you said it had been going on for a few months I figured that it must have been a recent thing. In that case it’s probably teenage behaviour - what does her dad think about it?

Yeah, sorry. I’m not new to her life. It’s the behaviour that’s been going on for a few months. We used to have a really good relationship. If she had a bad dream during the night, it would be me she woke up to get her back to sleep.

her dads fed up of hearing about it tbh. He doesn’t tend to ask her to help round the house, and it’s me she comes to when she wants dropping off anywhere.

Meh, she’s 14 - they’re like this a lot of the time. And regardless of how long you have been her stepmum, you still aren’t her mum, so have to tread carefully. I’d pick my battles if I were you - just carry on being nice and supportive.

My 14 yr old DD is exactly like this, with me and DH. If she needs a lift, money, seen a top she likes, she’s all sweetness and nice. Otherwise, I’m her embarrassing mum who nags at her to clean her room and gets lots of eye rolls. I was the same at that age. They grow out of it.

Her behaviour is typical teen. What did you think parenting a teen means then??
What do you mean stop bothering?

Even own bio kids behave like that at teens..

Can you try and engage her in other ways ? Like watching a TV show together?
It’s obvious you used to be close.

How is her mum towards you?
Does she ask you for all these things by choice or through need , because her dad is not as available?

You might already but you could look up on the neuroscience linked to the teenage brain - teenage years are the biggest period of brain development since the baby years. The bit of the brain associated with judgement / emotional / behavioural control is the last thing to develop as a teenager and the development doesn’t finish til mid twenties. Anyway it definitely doesn’t sound like it’s you! I guess like everything with parenting it’s swings and roundabouts and in a few months it might have passed abit.

Sit her down - tell her - we all do chores in the house I expect them to be done with good grace not eye rolls and huffing.

if you huff and eye roll snd ignore me when I ask you to do something - that is exactly what I will do when you ask me for a lift - I will huff eye roll and ignore you and there will be no lift.

say it - then carry it out. Rudeness / noncompliance means no lifts .

don’t accept ‘she’s just a teen this is what they do’ - yes they will try it on - but they can only get away with it if you leave bad behaviour unchallenged. She can bdhave as she dors for her dad - she is not offering you the same respect and that is not on.

don’t put up with this ‘stroppy madam’ behaviour - it’s unacceptable and she needs to get that into her head very quickly.

Sounds like a pretty normal 14 year old to me! If you don't want to give lifts etc, tell her to ask her dad?

Thank you!!!!!