I’ve given up on making friends in 2026 (for now)

[Givenup2026]

I’ve come to the conclusion that that I can’t be bothered to make new IRL friendships because I can’t be bothered and I’ve given up on finding people who are like me where I live.

I’ve done what I can, but I’m tired of “kissing frogs”. I also get annoyed/bored very easily (I blame my autism).

So it’s really just a matter of finding that inner peace to come to terms that for now, I’ll have to stick to being a lone wolf before I prefer that than socialising with people who don’t get me and who I can’t talk about the things that I want to talk about.

I fear about my MH as I don’t interact with that many people on a daily basis but overall I think I’ll survive ;)

I guess AIBU to have given up?

Have you got friends/ family ??

Only my DH. No I don’t have any close friends. I rarely socialise and mostly get out of the house either to buy the weekly shop or the school run.

So my social interactions are:

a) checkout people at my local lidl

b) one mum in the school runs (but I don’t always see her)

I think this is fair enough.
If you are peaceful within yourself any social interaction you do have with people will be more honest and nicer for you and them.

That’s the thing. I would like it to be different BUT I also know it’s unlikely to change.

it hasn’t changed that much in 11 years (and I’ve tried!), but it has come to the point that I need to be pragmatic and know it won’t change.

You probably want to think about the difference between friends and acquaintances. This massively helped me as an autistic person to get more people into my life.
I have four close friends and these are people with whom I can talk about anything. I have recently moved to a new area and really focused on being more socially connected. So I met a lot of new people. These people are not my friends. They are acquaintances. We typically have something in common like a hobby we met through, for example. And we keep conversations very light. I am not going to pour my heart and soul into them but it's enough of a connection to send and receive a round of merry Christmas messages and catch up about light daily stuff during lunch date. I don't expect any more from them.

I’ve got to a point where I crave alone time just some peace - voices annoy me. I have a DH and two DC at home who are in their rooms a lot.

However I do meet up with two friends on a regular basis - not weekly that would be too much.

Sometimes if I feel a bit hemmed in and I will go out on my own and be around other people like shopping/coffee shop and this is enough.

I have lots of interests I can get on with.

No family nearby and I do feel sad about not having family gatherings/hosting but then I see the stuff on here and thank my lucky stars I don’t - still feel sad for the DC they never experienced that.

I mean if you genuinely don’t feel you need anyone else than sure.

But with kindness it sounds like you are suffering from a syndrome I see on here a lot where people massively over invest in friendships at the start and become disillusioned and frustrated when they don’t exactly fit your needs.

Maybe your autism is a feature, I don’t know.

But the reality is that finding people who are genuinely like you in every way is very very hard. You will probably only meet a handful of people like this in a lifetime. Some people never achieve it.

But that doesn’t mean that less important and more superficial relationships aren’t important too. “Friendship” doesn’t have to be deep, philosophical, call someone at 3am friendship. It can be friendship of expedience or light, casual friendship and thats OK. And its not a good idea to have only your spouse and/or children. Everyone needs perspective.

The trick is to have low expectations and be flexible. And try to think about it less. The more pressure you put on yourself to find the right people, the harder it will get.

I don’t like/want superficial conversations around 2 - thing that’s how I get so bored/lose interest.

and ultimately the things I REALLY want to do, I still haven’t found anyone to do them with, so literally see zero point in having acquaintances.

It’s not really that, but there are things that I want to do that I still haven’t met anyone to do them with (apart from my DH) and I’m sure many people out there would want to do them / do them but I haven’t able to find them locally.

a few examples:

a) I’d love to go to more gigs but because of where we live they all involve overnight stays. I still haven’t ment anyone with my same taste in music (which is not that rare btw).

b) going on a shopping spree to London at the likes of Harrods during the sales (great prices!)

c) similarly - I would love someone who is just excited as I am for the new Dior collection and who would love to go to collect my bag from the flagship store in London

d) daydream (and maybe even plan?) an exotic trip to somewhere like the Four Seasons in the Maldives or the St Regis in Bora Bora

e) go out for brunch and dress all nicely, etc…

Sure it would be even nicer if they were into conspiracy theories, cults, speculative history, nuclear holocausts, or general fandoms - but I know that’s common while also being niche. Ironically I don’t like real crime which seems to be more mainstream these days.

But then in the post below you are describing pretty superficial experiences and any odd acquaintance will be able and willing to share with you (shopping in sales, dressing up for lunch) and citing common interests as an optional extra. I really do think you are not looking for a friendship. Acquaintances is exactly what you need.

I actually don’t find them superficial it’s more a “medium” to a conversation - that’s the experience side of it.

the “deeper” conversations realistically I’ve had them with work “acquaintances” all very interesting to be honest, but they were not someone I would call friends.

@Givenup2026 OK so it sounds like it might be worth decoupling “people I want to do things with” from “friends”. The two are not necessarily related.

If I were you I would be very openly transactional about finding people to go to gigs with, put a post on your local facebook or nextdoor. There are bound to be people near you with similar interests. That’s one of the positive aspects of social media which people often overlook.

But bear in mind these are not necessarily “friends” in the sense that you are suggesting. They are acquaintances or even contacts with the potential to become friends but not friends yet.

But I think you need to be very aware that the definition of friendship is very broad. Sometimes we don’t have soulmates, and thats OK. Theres value in even these smaller interactions and they have the potential to become true friendships but don’t expect too much too soon.

Could you couch it in different terms maybe - so rager than “giving up” you can still be open to the possibility? You never know what’s around the corner. Years ago I met my best friend walking our dogs in a busy city park. We just clicked. I wasn’t expecting to make friends (I’m bad at that sadly) but I wasn’t in a negative frame of mind and came across to her as warm and friendly.

Also - is there any way to up social interactions a little? I’m very awkward and in my twenties avoided new things, thirties was full of children, but forties I had a career change, joined a local choir, joined a club for a hobby, go to local fundraiser evenings, go to a cafe in quiet times regularly, I unexpectedly made friends with the local ironmonger by going in weekly over five years, and she actually likes my hobby too…even though I still really dislike new situations and new people I push myself!!

I’ve tried multiple times posting on the local groups about different things. Travelling is something that can make or break relationships/friendships so it’s not something I’d do with virtual strangers.

I think you're looking at this the wrong way up. Travelling may make or break friendships but with virtual strangers its in some ways easier because it doesn't really matter as much.

If you find someone who you want to go to a gig with (and I'd vet them once over a coffee to check they aren't completely batshit) the worst thing that can happen is that you just won't really gel. If that happens, you just write them off and you don't have to see them ever again. It's a bit like a date: if someone turns out to be a sleaze or a wally or untrustworthy you can just ghost them.

I did this with someone when I was a newly single mum: I knew her slightly from my commute and we were both single and keen to go to gigs and galleries etc so we started babysitting swaps for our kids and hanging out locally. Ten plus years on we're now proper friends, but she isn't someone I'd have picked out as a possible friend. We share some interests but we're very different as people, have a different outlook on life, our politics are very different etc. We respect those differences but we now have enough shared history to be friends.

But you have to be open to things in the first place. You can't expect friendships to fall, fully formed, into your lap. You have to be prepared for a bit of give and take and compromise. And you have to be prepared for many (most) not to work out.

I think you do have a point there! I guess the second barrier would be that they need to have £200 to spare to go to a gig.

@Givenup2026 did you post about this before?

I think possibly you did, or there was a really similar one. I don't think your interests are niche. I think this is a very tough landscape for making friends and if the interest are really important to you, then I guess that's limiting.

The Dior bag thing is going to be limited to a group of people. I mean, I couldn't afford one, I would be interested to see what the buying experience is like but I can see a lot of people just wouldn't be interested in that. I think when you add in all the scheduling conflict etc that people are going to have, it's very difficult.

Thanks for your thoughtful reply, and to answer that I think I probably did.

and yes unfortunately the common interests are basically a red line these days because of how I view friendships.

I tried regardless (as people keep saying it’s not that important), but I’ve concluded that to me it is.

I’m autistic and I tend to make friends via autistic/neurodivergent groups to achieve the conversations you are missing. I’ve gained some fantastic friends who are very supportive through ND groups.

I share some of your interests and go down rabbit holes but rarely meet anyone who is up for getting a new Dior bag. I need a new Dior wallet anyway so perhaps we can head there together.

@Givenup2026 can I ask if friendship is important to you on an emotional level?

I use the term very carefully these days. I think when I replied to your earlier post, I was busy meeting people. It hasn't really gone as far as I would like it to. I would call it acquaintances. At the moment, I'm just not really thinking about it. I will keep up with the acquaintances, but I'm no longer willing to put myself out to do so.

For me, the red line is being local. I'm interested in a lot of things so I'm happy to take an interest in other people's hobbies. For example, if somebody's been doing an activity that's not really my thing, I'm genuinely happy to hear about it.

I think it's fair enough that you've given up btw. Even looking for acquaintances is quite hard work.

I have some very close friends mostly who I went to school with/ uni with and a couple of friendships who have developed to strong lifelong friendships over many years sort of organically.

I always worked full time, but now my children are university age, I have joined a couple of local hobby groups partly as I wanted to develop my local network a bit. The people I meet here might or might not develop into some stronger friendship, but I also enjoy the just meeting up with people to hang out without any further expectations. I think it’s very difficult to seek out deep friendships, but if I was in the market for that so to speak, I would probably try some kind of social media friendship app. A bit like dating, but for friendships. I am sure these exist.

Your list of interests and activities are quite specific and also not cheap. Also, is there anything stopping you from doing things alone?

I have friends and we don’t all share the same interests. Some things I will do on my own and vice versa but I wouldn’t end the friendship over our different interests. It would be a bit different if they were obsessive about it.

I do them of my own already, but I’d like to do them with someone, that’s the gist.

at least ONE shared interest but no, I haven’t met anyone so far.