To rate my date (On line dating etiquette)

[DallazMajor]

OK slightly misleading title but…

I recently joined a dating website and am surprised as to how others decide who could be a suitable match for them.

I receive messages from a vast array of men who all look very different. Young / old / good looking / fish holders / not good looking…
I mean you name it really

How do you (or how do you think people) decipher who is “in their league” based on looks? (I’m simply mentioning looks because really that’s how first connections are made on line - as shallow as it seems).

Personally I struggle with how I “look”. I don’t know if I’m attractive due to body dysmorphia. I look at men I find attractive and immediately assume they would be out of my league.

Help!

AIBU to assume that some people do not overthink this as much as I am and just swipe anyone they fancy ?

You don't lose anything by swiping. I never assess whether anyone is in my league or not. If I fancy them, I go and read their boi. If there is no bio or if there is something in there that irks me, I don't care how attractive tive they are. It's a no from me.
If they look good on paper, I swipe. If they don't swipe back, no loss to me. I am not going to agonise over whether they are in my league or not.

I used to swipe left for all kind of things, before it even came down to looks…

the interior design of their house in the background, toilet selfies, obvious tattoos, their dog, posing whilst doing overtly sporty activities, what clothes they were wearing, if loads of the photos were the same pose in different locations, bare-chested photos, photos with loads of domestic detritus in the background, what their friends looked like in group photos, as well as the usual fish/car etc.

Then came what they themselves looked like, whether I fancied them and then reading up about them.

Maybe I am overthinking it!

Don’t discount yourself. Everybody’s tastes are so personal. Allow prospective dates to decide for themselves what they do and don’t like.

It’s a minefield isn’t it!

Think I’m best off remaining single !

Definitely don’t overthink it, remember those photos are the best they had, typically taken at a car museum or out fishing I liked my now husband because the vehicle he was standing in front of was actually his for a change (and no fishing photo!)

I love that "fish holders" is a separate category

I would also say men in the past have outed themselves pretty quickly when it came to knowing whether they were properly attracted to me.
One said that hair, nails and shoes are the things he looked for. Not me at all and I had no plans to change anyone’s ideals of attraction.

You’ve got nothing to lose by swiping.

I will say that my biggest pet peeve when I was on the dating apps was dishonest profiles - pictures from 10+ years ago, or pictures heavily filtered/edited that look nothing like the person in real life 🫠

Put up pictures that are flattering but still a good representation of you in real life and go from there - if your pictures truly represent what you look like and you match with someone, then it’s safe to say they find you attractive enough to have swiped on you.
One of the things that drew me to DH’s profile was that his pictures weren’t all selfies - most of them were taken candidly, showed him engaged in an activity. He was rock climbing in one, laughing with friends at a wedding in another. I felt like that gave me a truer representation of what he actually looks like rather than a carefully curated selfie.

Don't give up!
There are men out there who are absolute gold. Currently dating one of those. You just need to assume that 90% of conversations will go nowhere and 9.9% of the rest will be filtered out after the first date.
It's the 0.1% we are aiming for and you only need one decent bloke after all.

Just be ruthless. Decide what you want, weed out the rest on the onset. I literally had to sit down and write a list of 100 things I want my man to be. And then it became very clear who didn't even begin fitting the picture in those profiles.

This.

One of my best friends essentially bullied me into starting up a dating profile - I wanted no part in it at the time.
I ended up meeting DH on a dating app 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

I can’t believe how many there are!

I might do an AI photo of me holding a fish!

@DallazMajor just don’t invest in it too much. Don’t see as you looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with. Just see it as one way to meet different people, socialise, expand your horizons, gain confidence. To go on more walks, try different sports/hobbies, have meals out, visit cafes/bars/museums/art galleries/gardens. Whatever floats your boat. Have sex. Laugh.

Meeting someone you click with and possibly do spend the rest of your life with is a bonus.

I think men will swipe on whatever they are prepared to stick their dick in. So whilst they might say they are looking for a relationship they will also be looking for something to tide them over until that one comes along.

Yep!
ive been told that the women are as bad but I don’t believe it for a second!

I find it unlikely that many of the men are interested in anything but sex.

I think I must look like a right sort. Some of the messages are asking if I do content !?!?

I've dated extensively and I can confirm that many many men are interested in more than just sex. You just need to weed out the sex pest early. And it's not hard. You pick up on that in messages. If not, it's pretty clear after the first date.
I think the issue is that some women are hyper vigilant and take any hint of sex as the sign that men aren't interested in anything but. And it's not the case. And sex is great. I'm just too old and busy to bother with multiple superficial relationships so I make it clear that, yes, there will be sex but only if we both commit to exclusive dating.

I’m finding they are either sex pests or just totally dull.

You seem to be a little defeatists. In that case, perhaps it's worth coming off the apps for a while. I find that the only time OLD is successful is if you approach it with a bit of curiousity and fun.
Or maybe start swiping on hot guys you've been avoiding. They may be more fun and less desperate to get laid.

I’ve only just joined up. Although I’ve done it before. I’ve met most of my exes online.

it seems different this time. Maybe cause I’m older. Slim pickings.

My advice is to stop believing in “leagues” and swipe on profiles you like.

Also, make use of filters. Don’t want to see men old enough to be your dad? Filter them out.

The filters don’t seem to work. I wonder if they work if you pay?

It depends how tight our filters are. They will always send you more men, so if you have said I only want men without kids that are 40-42 years old within an 5 mile radius and over 6ft, they will probably run out pretty quickly so send you more outside of your filters. You need to decide what filters are more important to you and which ones you can loosen.

It also helps to know how their algorithms work, they dont show you the best next fit each time, instead they batch people together based on other likes, kind of like "the people also bought" feature on Amazon. If you like someone, they will send you batches based on that.

I think online dating scene changed massively since covid. In 2019 I was getting 5-6 dates a week without much bother. These days it's all endless chats, disappearing without warning and similar nonsense. But you've only been on the apps for a short while so give it a bit of time.
I joined back five months ago and managed about four dates in this time. The fourth one was a keeper.
I also think age helps massively. I cant even begin to imagine what young women are subjected to in OLD.

I agree that it’s all very “throw away” these days.

Men around my age are pretty grim. I know that sounds mean and shallow but I don’t want someone who’s let them self go.

I get younger men messaging me but they only want flings or sex.

I might just get an AI man.