We’ve broken up - not really sure what to do next

[answeringagain]

I’ve been seeing someone for 15 months. Last night we ended. I feel terrible. She asked me how I was feeling about her and I told her that my feelings have changed and I don’t really see a future for us. It was very sad and she left last night. We live long distance but when we see each other, we spend a few days together, which is two or three times a month for maybe three days at a time. But we message every single day.

The last relationship break up I had was with my ex (who I was married to for 11 years) who I coparent with so we obviously still have contact regularly about DC.

I suppose I don’t really know what to do next here… Do I just not message her at all? Do I check in to see how she is today or is that weird? She was so hurt. And I feel really terrible. I’m wondering if it was the right thing. And it will feel so strange to not have contact with her. I just hate that I’ve hurt her

Leave it. Contacting her will give her hope that you can get back together.
It was best that you ended it now, it’s the right thing to do. Move on.

I think you need to be clear on whether you feel bad because you've hurt her, or whether you feel bad because you wish you were still together.

It sounds like you know the relationship isn't working as you said you don't see a future, so I would say back off now and leave her to find her support system and get over it. Don't drag it out.

Reaching out will just pro-long it. Hurting someone comes hand in hand with breaking up. Best to move on if the relationship was not working.

No contact is best at first IMO. Much later you / she can decide if you want any contact as friendly exes.

You ended the relationship, so naturally lose the day to day contact, support etc.

@MyOtherProfile

I don’t feel it would be right to get back together. She is a lovely person, she is thoughtful and she’s kind and we do get on well. But I’ve been thinking about this for a while.
I just feel strange to think that we will never be in touch again? I know that sounds stupid but we would speak every single day. And it isn’t like I don’t care about her because I really really do. And I love her as a person. I just don’t know if we are all that compatible being together

In that case you really do need to walk away. Don't try and be friends right now.

You wanted to break you so you broke up. That’s ok.
Leave her alone,let her heal and move on. You didn’t see the future with her. Don’t string her along

No longer speaking for a long period is a consequence of breaking up. You don’t get to cherry pick bits of the relationship to keep.

If ending the relationship was the right thing to do contacting her to wean yourself off the daily contact would be selfish. You didn't want the relationship so you can't contact her to make yourself feel better.

It’s weird cause esp with a LDR you spend a lot of time messaging Like you say every day.

It’s weird at first, you miss the “online presence” more than you miss the actual relationship.

Realise that you wanting to contact her is purely for selfish reasons. You don't really want to know if she is OK. You just want to soothe your guilt and relieve the tension of not having her in your life. You say it yourself.
You made a decision, you need to sit with the consequences of that. She is no longer in your life. This is what you wanted. So have it.
She'll be OK without you. Eventually.

Please leave the poor woman alone. It's no longer her job to make you feel better or good. Reaching out may then soothe your feelings of guilt, or make you feel like the "good guy" because you checked in; but for her it will just be a mind fuck.

She will get your message and be reading into it from every angle, trying to work out is he sorry its over, is there a chance...

You ended it, and with that you lost any right to her emotional bandwidth.

Leave her alone. If she messages you then by all means kindly reply, be cautious that you don't lead her on or give her false hope. But you ended the relationship- you dont get to feel good about yourself the next day.

Don't entertain the idea of maintaining those chats on a friendly level. That would be purely for you and selfish.
No contact is kindest. Leave her alone.

The relationship is over, you lose any good bits too.

Why didn’t you end it prior to the conversation if you’re feelings had changed ?