Is my reaction unreasonable re theft?

[CotswoldsCamilla]

Myself, DH and the DC went into the furniture section of a store today. They still had a Christmas table displayed. Festive plates, cutlery, glasses, garland etc. plus a few “favours” for want of a better word strewn on the table. Think a few small stars whittled from wood, glittery merry Christmas stickers in garish colours. None of these little items were for sale, they were just make the table look nice. One DC, 11, asked if they could take some of the little stars. I said no, it was theft, you can’t just take something even if it’s not for sale.
I then walked away to look at other things. Saw a nice armchair which I thought they’d like for their room so called them over to show them the chair.

At home this evening I went to wash their jeans and checked the pockes for tissues. Found several of the wooden stars. No previous form for theft. I was annnoyed and a bit shocked actually and pointed out that it was theft. Explained that stealing is stealing etc etc. I then made them bin them. Only that this shop is quite a way from our house, I’d have made them go back and explain what they’d done but in this case, I just binned the items, gave a warning about if anything like this happened again, there would be serious repercussions. They explained that they’d meant to put them back but then I called them over to look at the chair.

This evening I’ve just said to my husband that I’m a bit concerned about this theft, that they know right from wrong and it’s totally unacceptable. Asked him if he was worried. He isn’t. Said it was probably accidental and anyway, it’s not like they’re for sale. And Christmas is over anyway, they’d be throwing them out anyway.
I think he’s missing the point. I’ve dropped it and not going to get into an argument but just curious what others think (if anything!)

I have had children take things from stores before, I do tell them off as often they have asked me for it and been told they cannot have it.
I then march them back into the store to apologise and explain, only for the sales people to smile indulgently and be full of sympathy for the child- because they only took it because they wanted it😳I mean, yeah, great attitude, let’s see how long your shop would survive if all your customers take this approach

Eh, I think it was all badly handled. It sounds like she had correctly identified that these were cheap, disposable decorations that were going to be thrown out. I would have said something like “You may not take without asking. You’re welcome to ask an employee if the store is done with them and if you could have a few.” If they’re throwing it away anyway shops often don’t care. I had a friend at university that regularly had decorations that shops had given her when they were done with them simply because she’d asked.

Obviously do not dig them out of the garbage and post them back to the store for them to throw away. That would be insane.

I'd put them in an envelope and post to the shop. With an apology note (non identifying) from the one who stole them.
The shop likely hasn't noticed they are gone, but the dc needs to make up for it.

This is normal children behaviour and honestly not something to worry about. Your child stated this was a mistake and apologised, they have not done it before so I highly doubt this is going to become a problem for the future. I myself would have let it go, its just some confetti and other kids have probably taken some already. It they had actually stolen something of significance and was on purpose then yes id scold them and have them take it back. I have done this before. One of our children when they were younger had alot of problems, one was stealing, the first couple times we took her back to the store she stole from and make her apologise and give it back or pay for the item, after the first couple times we would pat her down and check her from head to toe before leaving the store. Eventually she grew out of it. Havnt had an issue since. All children test boundaries, its normal and your lucky it was a priceless trinket that would have been thrown away anyway.

Why can’t you post them?

I think it's reasonable to be concerned, but it's also possible it was accidental. They may have initially picked them up thinking they'd put them in their pocket and take them home. But they may have been looking at them admiringly intending to put them back, you called them over and they went with them still in their hands, realised you wouldn't be happy, put them in their pocket and then forgot.

I think those are both realistic scenarios and very different in terms of how worrying they are. Since you've had no other indication I'd give the benefit of the doubt, but keep a sharper eye out for further incidents and maybe a closer eye on friends as peer pressure is a huge factor in shop lifting.

Agree with others that binning them wasn't the best way to deal with them. If you wanted to reinforce how serious theft is, that action makes it seem petty and of no real consequence. Driving back to the store to return them (or even posting them back) reinforces the message that it's important not to deprive others of things that are theirs and is a task DC can be involved in to make up for their mistake.

I agree that many kids do this sort of thing, not that it makes it right. You told your kids off and they haven’t benefited from it as you put it in the bin, so I’d forget it now.

I do think you’re overreacting. You’ve told them off and think you need to just move on now. It could’ve been a genuine mistake as they said but it’s hardly the crime of the century anyway. I don’t think posting them back will be some great lesson more than what you’ve already said. It’ll just be a waste of time and money, they’ll go straight in the bin.
Forget about it and enjoy the last day of the holidays!

A lot of po-faced responses here that probably in no way reflect what people would actually do if their dc did this, but mumsnet is absolutely obsessed with fraud and theft and full of people who insist they would take a £50 taxi to return a 30p carrier bag they forgot to pay for.

If you want to teach a lesson about stealing going back to the shop would almost certainly backfire as the most likely outcome would be a bemused store assistant saying, 'Er, thanks...?' If that came on the back of a lecture about theft and how wrong it is and how it impacts people etc the child could be left with the impression that mum is not actually the reliable source of information she presents herself as being.

Fair enough to bin them, especially as they'd asked and you'd said no, and have a conversation to find out why they took them. At 11 they may well have been capable of reasoning that it was going to be thrown out anyway so then a conversation about it having been better to have asked first would be in order. Then move on.

Thanks folks. I can’t actually post them back, because we are no longer in the same country as the items. In terms of some people saying I am overreacting, well, that’s why I posted. In the actua scenario, I told the child off and asked my husband if he was concerned to which he replied that he wasn’t.
Anyway I’m going to forget about it and assume 11 year old’s next step isn’t a Crown Jewels heist attempt.

lol to the person who suggested similar decorations on their wedding table. Made me chuckle.

On the basis that I can’t return the items, I’m surprised people don’t think I should have binned them though. My rationale was that I didn’t want them to benefit from the theft.

They obviously did take them deliberately, the 11 year old had been specifically told they couldn't have them which is the bad part really. A good telling off is called for.

If the items have any value post them back (otherwise binning is OK), If you send back with a note I would only give the child's first name and no address, things could get silly if you identify yourselves.

How were you going to buy an armchair from another country?

It’s a complete over-reaction.

I agree with PP who said you could have suggested the DC ask the store if they could take them - I’d have done this too, and I think it’s quite sweet your DC liked these and I can see the appeal.

I agree I’d be upset they still took them after you said no, but I’d say this, then let it go.

There's really no pathway from this to more significant theft eg taking items for sale.

I wouldn’t have binned them.

I mean, international post exists. The theft wasn't a big deal in and of itself (these were obviously super cheap items that were probably going to be thrown out anyway) -- but I think being made to write a letter explaining what they did and paying for the postage would be a valuable lesson for your child. It would probably cost under £5 to post.

I agree with others - they should be posted back. Ideally with DC paying the postage.

I don't understand how you say you could easily retrieve them from the bin but also that the items are now in another country. Did you fly in the meantime??

You’ve told DC off and ensured the DC does not benefit from their taking of the stars.

Assuming this is a one off, I’d just forget it now. It’s a minor event where bringing up children is concerned. 👍

Yes, since the event, we have flown.

Think this is a good response. At 11, your child should know better.

I think 11 is quite old to be pilfering, but if you do send them back, I wouldn’t include your child’s name or address.

Somewhere between the two of you.

Yes he is completely missing the point.

But a kid who helped them self to something tempting is usually just immaturely being unable to resist an impulse. It really doesn’t signal a direct ‘Do Not Pass Go’ to a life of crime.

You were right to pull your child up on it, but I wouldn’t dwell. Just look for passing opportunities to support them to weigh up decisions and make good choices.

We own property in the other country.

Assuming your country has a postal service I’d post them and make the thief pay postage.

You know there is a international postage service.