To not tell new boyfriend about my past? Trigger warning.

[HonestMauveWriter]

Please be gentle with any responses, I’m really struggling with this and feel very unsure about what to do. I haven’t been sleeping because I’m worrying about it so much.
Around five years ago, I was in a very violent relationship. For around three years, I experienced significant physical and emotional abuse. I was strangled, hit, slapped, threatened with a knife, and lived in a constant state of fear and feeling trapped. At the time, I was living in another country, away from my family and friends, and one of my parents had recently passed away. I was completely overwhelmed and vulnerable.
During the abuse, I was manipulated and controlled in many ways. I was pressured into giving my money to my partner, cut off from friends, and prevented from having social media or independence. One of the things I was coerced into doing was signing marriage papers so they could obtain a visa for my country.
It took me three years to leave, which I still feel embarrassed about, even though I know that leaving abusive relationships is incredibly complex. Eventually, I planned my escape and left with nothing. Thankfully, colleagues from work supported me, and I was able to get away safely. I later filed for divorce, which went through online.
I stayed single for two years and have been seeing a counsellor during that time. Recently, I’ve met someone new who I really like, but I’m taking things very slowly. We’ve been seeing each other for a few months now, meeting roughly every other weekend.
I’m in such a state of anxiety about whether I should tell him about my past. Part of me feels that sharing would help him understand me better, while another part of me wants to close this chapter of my life and never have to speak about it again. When I’ve tried to talk about it with my sibling, I become tearful and panicked, almost as if I’m reliving it.
I don’t know what the right thing to do is. Should I tell him? And if I do, how do I even begin that conversation?

Personally I would tread carefully if it is a new relationship. By all means you can say your previous relationship left a lot to be desired but if you don’t fully know him yet then I would hold back slightly on the details. Not everyone is a good person and people will treat us how we allow. If a predatory man thinks that your boundaries are poor, he will try to take advantage of that and unfortunately those of us who have been in bad relationships don’t always have the best radar for people who might not necessarily have our best interest at heart.

Could you do a halfway house and just say that you were in an aggressive relationship but don’t want to go into too much detail as it’s difficult for you to talk about it? Tbh to sound as if you may have some PTSD symptoms.
I’m not surprised you’re taking things slowly and don’t really want to talk about it. it sounds like you’ve done amazingly well to get to where you are now.
I really hope things work out well for you this time

If at some point he becomes your husband you could consider it. But don’t tell a man you’ve been seeing for a few months you’ve been abused. There is no reason for him to have this information.

I think it's probably something that you would share with a partner in time - but you shouldn't put yourself under pressure and wait until you feel the time is right and you feel comfortable sharing that sensitive information. Could you discuss with your counsellor how best to approach it? You could share that you were in a very abusive relationship but don't want to give details because it's very difficult to talk about.

Also, if you do get upset, cry or have physical symptoms like shaking, panicky feelings etc - that's perfectly normal and to be expected when talking about something so traumatic. Just be gentle with yourself and don't feel in any way bad about that. You did an amazingly brave thing to get yourself out of that situation. Be proud of yourself 💐

Don't tell him. It's a lot to take on. Give it time. Relax.

I agree that it might take some of the pressure off it you tell him something - could you say you had a past relationship that was abusive but you’re still processing/struggling with it so hope you will be able to share more in time, but right now, it’s really tough but some relief to just say this out loud and can I leave it there. If he’s a decent man he will 100% respect this.

I hope you are getting some help and can start to see this is NOT your fault, you have no absolutely need to feel embarrassed. your ex was an evil bastard and that’s the only explanation needed.

I had a conversation with a new relationship about 8 weeks in when I felt we were moving forwards as I had previous experience of SA and wanted to know that if I reacted differently than I expected being intimate for the first time that they would understand and hopefully be supportive about it. But that felt like the natural thing to do and a natural step. If you aren't ready, then you aren't ready and that's okay. You get to choose how much you share of your past and when. If he's right for you then he'll be patient and accommodating and it'll feel safe to tell him when the time is right. It might be good to explore this in counselling. Have you considered assessment for ptsd?

Have you had counselling?
You should duscusd this with your therapist/counsellor

It’s too soon to tell this potential partner, you don’t know them and with all the best wishes in the world you are vulnerable still, used to work with DV survivors.

From the OP.

I stayed single for two years and have been seeing a counsellor during that time.

I really wish people would give the OP the respect to actually read what they've written.

It’s all very new, I don’t think I’d say anything just yet. Take it slowly and get to know each other first. Maybe talk to your counsellor about it and ask their advice. Sending you good vibes 🙂

I was in an abusive relationship in my early 20s. He was verbally, mentally and sexually abusive and I was a timid mess by the time I finally got the courage to end it with him. When I met my now dh I chose not to tell him anything much about my previous relationship other than saying my ex was awful to me and controlling. I kept everything else to myself for a few reasons 1) I didn’t want to put him off or scare him away 2) I was ashamed that I’d allowed someone to treat my so dreadfully for so long and thought he’d think less of me 3) I was worried in case it gave him ideas on how to treat me and 4) which was the main reason, I didn’t want to “contaminate” my new relationship with the memories of my ex and what he’d done to me.

I’ve been in a very happy relationship with my dh for 21 years now and yet I still have never really told him what happened in my previous relationship, just snippets of poor behaviour linked to things that came up whilst watching tv or during conversation. And tbh I regret it to some extent as I spent the first 10 years of our relationship regularly having nightmares about my ex but suffered alone and never told a soul about what had happened with him. And there are certain things I react badly to at times which would help my dh understand more why I’m like this. But I feel after 21 years it’s too late to actually bring it up now and it would seem weird for me to say I dwell on certain things that happened so long ago.

So my advice would be to hold back from telling all details this early on in your new relationship as you’re still getting to know him but if it becomes serious, and there are no red flags with him, then I would slowly reveal what happened to you, but make sure it’s at a pace you can deal with and that isn’t going to re traumatise you.

Thank you everyone for your advice.

Of course you don't tell a man you barely know about your vulnerabilities. If he isn't a good man, you've just handed him the way to hurt you on a plate and let him know you're someone who has accepted abuse in the past and may not yet have all your boundaries in place.
I see this so often on Mumsnet when posters say they've told someone on the first date they need lots of communication and understanding as they're insecure because they've been abused or cheated on before, and it makes me despair.
Tread very carefully in any new relationship, OP, and make sure you do it in conjunction with ongoing therapy. If in doubt at any point, run!

Don't say anything at this stage and if your relationship progresses then tell him only what you're comfortable with. Hope everything works out for you and you go on to have a loving relationship and he cares for you and respects you.