Friends who take more than they give

[Whoisthesingerinsidethesloth]

This has been quite a common pattern in my life and now i’m a little older (late 40’s) i’m just not willing to engage with it anymore

I think I’ve always been in a v supportive friend in friendships throughout my life, always check on people if they’ve been going through tough times, always there as a shoulder to cry on. I’ve had the same in many of my friendships, but mainly I feel I’ve given more than I’ve received in return

My young Dc has been ill for a while with an illness that has caused huge stress and upset in my family’s lives, it’s been a tough time for a while
I joined a support group of lovely mums whose Dc’s have the same condition, I bonded with one in particular going through similar and we message lots and vent to one another. She has been supportive at times and I have to her. The last month or so has been horrendous, particularly over Christmas, v challenging. Each time if she sent a quick text asking how things were going, i’d say everything and was obviously upset, she’d either say she was sorry I was going through it or not reply and message a few days later as if she hadn’t even registered my message, not really asking much maybe just how are things. Then she will message the whole time about her situation and relationship. Each time I used to sent lots of support and the best advice I could, but for us it’s been so hard that Ive really noticed how unsupported I felt from her and now feel like ignoring the messages or just being very brief
Part of me feels guilty though as she’s clearly upset in her messages and we’re both in such a challenging situation, it just feels so one sided and like i’m just here to give her help when she’s not ok

Hope this makes sense

Does anyone have friends like this?

*A v supportive friend, not in a v supportive friend

Anyone else?

Do I back off or try to keep helping

I think you’ve both got a lot going on and both should be mindful of that. Not everyone knows the right thing in say in certain circumstances.

You’re expecting a lot from someone who can hardly catch a break herself; if she’s unable to respond for days then she can’t cope with your stress on top of her own. I think it’s the circumstances rather than a lack of care. Seek support elsewhere if you can do. I hope things improve for you soon.

I've had a few friends like that and I try to only give what I can at any given moment. If I've got the time and emotional energy to listen, consider, offer advice or support then I lose nothing by doing it, but I only go out of my way when I'm tired/busy/stressed for those who do the same.

For the people who suggest going out for coffee then spend an hour going on about themselves without asking a single question, the ones who only get in touch when they've got some kind of (frequently manufactured) drama brewing, the ones who ask how I am and then visibly zone out before bringing the conversation back to themselves, they get only what I can comfortably spare and if that's 'Oh dear' then that's all they get.

Yes, exactly. You can't expect support from someone who's barely holding it together for the same reason you're having a tough time. Look for support elsewhere.

But also she’s expecting a lot from me too? And more often and ive always given it, regardless of how I was, this time I couldn’t

But it’s ok that I’m expected to be able to give it with not much in return?

I think she's giving what she can and you're giving more than you can. You're going to burn yourself out. You need to stop bleeding yourself dry for others and focus on your family, everyone else will just have to wait. Otherwise where does it end? How many people are you going to help when you don't have the energy to do it? There will always be endless people who want your help if you make yourself available. There's only so much of you and right now, it all needs to be directed inwards towards your family.

i’d say everything and was obviously upset, she’d either say she was sorry I was going through it or not reply and message a few days later as if she hadn’t even registered my message, not really asking much maybe just how are things. Then she will message the whole time about her situation and relationship. Each time I used to sent lots of support and the best advice I could, but for us it’s been so hard that Ive really noticed how unsupported I felt from her and now feel like ignoring the messages or just being very brief

I would just do the same to her. Just say ‘sorry to hear that’ and then talk about your issues. She will either get the message or disappear into the mist.

Don’t be her free therapist.

I just had a convo with Chatbot about this same thing. Friends who reach out with a request wrapped in a catch up and emotional warmth that they then withdraw once you have solved their problem.

It took my husband to tell me that you won’t hear from her again until she wants something, for me to clock on.

Chabot say these types of people see people for their uses and what they can do for them. Chitchat and gossip are tools for them to get what they need.

“This is a situation where a relationship looks like a friendship on the surface, but in practice it’s mostly need-based. The person reaches out warmly, asks about your life, and engages in long conversations when they’re stressed or need help. That warmth creates a sense of closeness and emotional connection. However, once their problem is resolved, the contact drops off quickly. There’s no sustained interest, follow-up, or effort to maintain the relationship when there’s nothing they need, which makes the closeness feel conditional rather than mutual.

Over time, this creates an imbalance: one person gives time, emotional support, and practical help, while the other primarily shows up when they’re struggling. The giver can feel drained, confused, or even rejected when the warmth disappears, while the other person may not see anything wrong because they view the relationship as functional rather than reciprocal. It isn’t necessarily malicious, but it isn’t a real friendship either — it’s a transactional connection dressed up as emotional closeness.”

You choose to respond to her in the way that you do. That's not on her. No one has you at gunpoint. Maybe she doesn't in fact need the reams of advice and support you reply with? Maybe a token reply to show she's being heard is enough.

Yes sure, but it wouldn’t be as hurtful to have some acknowledgment when i’m really in the trenches too

But it's your expectations here that are causing you pain. You're going above and beyond and then getting resentful when she doesn't do the same. You can't control her behaviour, only your own, so dial back your own responses to her and then your expectations of her responses will be lesser.

She is giving what she can. You, on the other hand, are giving more than you can. She doesn't know this.

Prioritise yourself, only offer the support you can manage. It only harms you to give more than you've got.

Cut yourself some slack.