Leaving my marriage of 26 years

[DeepRubySwan]

I intend to leavey husband at the end of this year, when my eldest son turns 18 and has finished senior.

Our youngest will be 11 and has mild ASD. The house is paid off and I will negotiate staying in it until youngest is 18 in exchange for a lower stake.

I am just done. We have had sex one time in five years. He has no sex drive, does not masturbate or watch porn, and is addicted to gaming which started in earnest about 6 years ago during Covid. I do 80% of the housework cooking and financial management despite contributing 50/50 to bills.

He has been verbally and emotional abusive (told me I dress like a slut and wouldn't apologise), said that men don't cook, his father observed that he is 'the type of husband who would correct his wife on public', he has yelled ate several times in public, always wants to be right, no date nights, no romance. He knows it's coming as we nearly separated last year.

He did not want to have sex with me when I was a size 12 despite himself being very overweight.

I just cant live like this anymore.

Am I doing the right thing leaving? I have tried counselling, read all the books etc.

Any encouragement from women who have left would be really appreciated..

Yes, of course you’re doing the right thing. Can you leave earlier? Like when the school year ends?

Moving the to the Relationships sub-forum would be a good idea. Posting in AIBU means what it says on the tin.

Are you in the USA? you mention "finished senior", which is not UK usage, though it is that of ChatGPT. If genuinely in the USA, the advice you will get from MNers will be limited by this.

Leave. Leave. Leave.

Don’t look back.

Don’t let him persuade you to stay.

I'm.in Australia.

Yanbu but be canny about the house - don’t offer up the lower stake too quickly.

How feasible will it be for him to move out if you don’t sell the house? Will he be able to afford to rent/get a mortgage on a two bedroom flat for example? Do you anticipate he will want 50:50 custody and are you in any way reliant on him paying you child support?

Tell him you want the separation and in exchange for continuing to do the bulk of the childcare you want to stay in the house. Don’t offer a lower share, see if he tries to negotiate that.

Oh. So am I, though to be fair, after teaching in secondary for sixteen years, I never heard it called that, though it might be because I am in Victoria.

The same thing applies about reliance of advice.

I'm in Qld. It's pretty common to call it Senior up here. Thanka for your help x

I said YABU because if you’re that unhappy you shouldn’t wait another year. Kids adapt.

Get a lawyer. Dont ask him to separate, inform him.

know your rights and the strength of your legal position before pulling the trigger.

It's not going to get better; it sounds like you've tried. As long as you can detach you might be able to wait. I hate shouting and it's one of the reasons I left ex, couldn't stand his shouty voice any longer.

He's got a pig attitude about cooking as well, ok some people aren't good at it but should know how to do a basic meal if they're capable of it.

You've made up your mind so best wishes.

This OP. Get a one off consultation to find out your rights. You don't have to continue using the same lawyers to start the actual divorce once you've decided to go ahead.

Start negotiations at a greater advantage to yourself and you should eventually end up roughly equal. Start low and you'll end up destitute and destroyed.

How they all differ. I can only think of what staff called the end of school exams in Vic - Year 12 or VCE. Still, it's a big island.
More to the point, your "D"H sounds frightful and the advice to leave by PPs is sound.

All the best @DeepRubySwan.

If you are not happy I expect the kids know and expect you to split. Leaving aside your sex life and his gaming, he simply isn't very nice. His own father recognises that. Perhaps speak to you oldest and say that you need to split with his father and get him prepared. He's old enough to except your reasons but don't spring it on him give him chance to accept it

My neighbour (who is 80) told me she got divorced when she realised her husband hated her. She had cancer and was still running the household and working and he wouldn’t move from his chair. Your husband hates you.

Go for a higher stake in the house. Get a bloodthirsty solicitor as your husband has already shown he has a nasty side, hunker down and prepare for him throw loads of shit your way.

You are doing the right thing to split. He sounds horrible.

Im a man and I just wrote the same in my head is just want out no love no sex no nothing but moaning everything I do is not good enough

Sounds like you're doing the right thing, but he sounds like the type to turn vindictive, and fight you on everything for the sake of it - so your confidence that you can negotiate what you want on the house may be misplaced. Would you be able to buy again in the right area if you ended up with half?