To have told DH to go wash the dishes?

[PinkFlamingo89]

I was mid washing the dishes at 11pm (we had a later dinner and then watched Traitors) and I hear 2mo DS crying. He’s with hubby so I go in to check, and DS needs a feed (breastfeeding with the occasional bottle). DH hands DS to me and goes for a vape (no offer from him to go make a bottle so I feed him). DH then comes back and sits
on the sofa with his eyes shut while I’m BF the baby, and thinking about the dishes that still need to be washed. DH does some other stuff round the house but generally hates washing the dishes. But something in me snapped - DH could have offered to give DS a bottle, and I could have finished washing up, and then we would both be free to do as we please after… Why should I do the dishes after I’ve finished feeding the baby when DH is just sat there with his feet up while I feed? so I said to him ‘Do you want to go do the dishes given I can’t right now?’ AIBU asking him to do this knowing he doesn’t like washing the dishes?

I wouldn't have asked did he' 'want to do' the dishes. Id have told him to. But he shouldn't have had to be asked.

You know you’re not being unreasonable. He’s unreasonable for thinking that’s all women’s work. Fuck that. You did the right thing. Nip this bullshit in the bud when it arises. And don't let him sulk about it either - he is a father now, he needs to model being a responsible grown up even if he isn’t one.

Good lord, I don't quite know what to say about this complete non event.

He should've automatically done them, he didn't, so you asked him to.

The end 😳

Yes it’s totally fair that one person does each task so that you’re then free at the same time.

With men who practise weaponised incompetence choices are key- do you want to feed baby or do dishes. Makes them feel in control but ensures they have to do one or the other

It’s not fair for you to be left with all the jobs while he puts his feet up so you weren’t being unreasonable at all.

What was his reaction to being asked to wash the dishes?

He went and did them, and was back before I was done feeding DS! Sat back on the sofa and closed his eyes again

Exactly this - there are multiple jobs that need doing so make it clear and give him the option as he won't turn around and say "can't you do both?".

Why are you asking if you abu? You asked him to do them (not told him as your title implies) and he did them. Does he say you were unreasonable. To be fair, I wouldn't want to do dishes at 11pm (if I were either of you) and would have left them until morning. You are a bit unreasonable to think he should offer to make a bottle so you can wash up if you can breastfeed. I can also think he might not see breastfeeding as a job as you are sitting on the sofa same as him (and I say this is someone who breastfed DS until he was 3).

Have I returned to the 1950s?

God if I didn't do any tasks I didn't like doing I wouldn't do anything! YANBU

Why couldn't he feed the baby?

My kids dad used to moan and refuse to wash up. Would tell me it hurts his eczema, so I told him I need a drs note stating that even with gloves you cant wash up. He never got me that note lol.

The issue here seems to be you have more of the household jobs so he doesn't instinctively offer to do it. Maybe you should both sit and figure out a more even split for housework?

Breast feeding is mentioned in the OP….

So is bottle feeding

and I hear 2mo DS crying. He’s with hubby so I go in to check,

If he was with 'hubby', I would have just carried on with the washing up, to be honest!

Adulting involves doing basic tasks you don’t like. Especially when you have kids. Who cares whether he doesn’t like washing dishes? Not many people like it. It needs doing, you’re busy, it’s his job. Unless he has a medical condition or disability that means he can’t or it’s very painful then he just needs to get on with it.

Do you imagine he puts nearly this much thought into every task he expects you to do?

What was hubby doing when you went to check on the baby? Would he have done a bottle if you hadn't gone in to check and carried on washing up instead? He does need to chip in and help though so you're not unreasonable to ask for him to do something rather than sit and watch you do it all

Did he know you hadn't finished the dishes? If you came in he may have thought you had finished them. If he did know then yes he should have gone out to do them