Need Advice on Rules for My Teenager

[Mom3072]

I really need some help with setting rules for my teenager because right now nothing seems to be working well. I would love to hear your opinions on things like:

• Makeup
• Nails
• Going out
• Boyfriends/Girlfriends
• Household chores
• Sleepovers
• Parties

… and anything else you think is important when raising a teenager.

Thank you so much for your advice!

How old, makes a difference!

Homework!

I'm afraid I don't believe in a set of rules for all teenagers. All teens have their own strengths and weaknesses so the rules you need to have should match those.

DS15 is almost entirely devoid of rules because he's just naturally cautious and sensible and gets on with his schoolwork, treats his friends well and is considerate.

DD13 benefits from more structure. But she's also more capable than DS in practical matters because she's more willing to try things, or take risks.

I would suggest insisting they follow the school rules on things like make up, jewellery and nails during term time.

Sleepovers, parties, boyfriend etc would've much depend on age and circumstances.

Depends on the age. 13 and 17/18 - very different

DD14

Only rules are she keeps her room tidy and finishes her homework. She can go out as long as she is in top of school work, bedroom is tidy. She has to be home at a certain time depending on time of the year etc.

Make up/nails - fine. She naturally wants to experiment with these things. As along as she’s not breaking school rules, I don’t mind. She does it naturally and is good at it. She can somehow apply individual lashes and she does an amazing job. I’m jealous!

Boyfriends also fine. Most important is being comfortable to tell me which she has in the past. We talk in depth about what is age appropriate - which of course is nothing at this age.

Sleep overs fine on a weekend providing she does actually get some sleep.

Not experienced a house party yet so can’t comment.

Trust in each other is key. My daughter trusts me enough to be open and honest about her life. She tells me everything and respects me. In return I trust her to have some independence.

Big difference between a 14 year old and a 17 year old.

You need to be more specific about what you want to know eg boyfriend/girlfriend - Are they allowed one? What age can they sleepover? Etc etc Going out - do you mean how frequently? How late? How far? Type of venue?

Massively depends on age. I've got 5, and despite that, no bloody expert - one thing I would say is stick to your guns on the things that really matter, and try not to overthink the small stuff

• Makeup (low on the priority list for me, if they want to go out looking like co-co the clown, then let them - whilst realising there will be pearl clutchers here saying "they look 18 and they may be preyed upon", in reality they don't look 18 (or act it), and pubs are pretty hot on challenge 25 these days).
• Nails (even lower on the list, do not care a hoot about this)
• Going out (this is a lot harder, and if you can trade "where's my iphone" for more relaxed going out times then that is a good trade. Reinforce that they are not to be alone, money for bus back etc. Not get in a car etc. Then you have to have nerves of steel not to snoop, otherwise they will just turn it off. Make sure you understand their plans, and that they understand your concerns, that it is just because you love them and want them to be OK.
• Boyfriends/Girlfriends - the best thing mine ever did sometimes. Usually picked nice lads and often found snuggling up for a quiet night in. Someone else had an eye out for them, and the sex thing is what it is, they are going to have it anyway, better safe and with a trusted partner.
• Household chores - eugh, battlefield. Get what you can. Shut the door to their bedroom and never go in again.
• Sleepovers - one person better than multiples. Only if planned with parents speaking in advance and YOU agreeing in advance (and not in front of friend so you were not hostage). Still insist on this if she is the person sleeping over at someone else's house.
• Parties - same advice as before re parents speaking. I used to give mine a couple of lowish alcohol drinks to take - blue wkd, bacardi breezer etc. so they did not look like a complete loser, but with a very stern warning that this was all they were getting, and if they broke my trust, they would not be allowed to any more parties.

It is a hard line to walk. xx

The only rules we have on that list is curfew for coming home and an expectation to contribute to chores

Pick your battles. If you nag about everything they switch off and save it for the important stuff

I had very few rules as a teenager
the one we had was to be home for the time I said, I didn’t have a curfew but if I said 1am and wasn’t home by then I would lose all privileges

we also had a family code word that I could text/call with, and I could get picked up from wherever if I used it, no questions asked

i didn’t have any rules on makeup, nails etc but my mum took me to Prescriptives (giving my age away!!) and got me shade matched for a foundation and concealer. She told me to spend money on those and then I could use whatever for eyes and at least I wouldn’t look orange

Is she 13 or 16?

Big difference

Rules are generally set in place before teenage years so they know their boundaries.

So, the same, some you give flexibility for, others you stand firm.

2 girls 15&18