This is long, I apologise. I am still in shock to be honest.
I have 2 children to my ex partner. We have been separated 10 years. He lives over 2 hours away from us in the same area as their grandparents. DS is 16 diagnosed with autism when he was 5. DD is 14.
Dc have been going to their dads every other weekend since we separated. They see their grandparents during this time and their grandparents sometimes do drop offs/collections. We meet half way at a service station. DC soenf the majority of their time at their grandparents house. Their dad is and always has been crap. He has his own place and the kids stay there but they never seek to stay long. He has a partner who I suspect is the issue but no proof.
As mentioned, Ds is autistic and went to a specialist secondary school, no GCSEs and is now in college learning life skills. He has a PA who takes him out every week. He is extremely vulnerable with no friends. He has been suicidal multiple times - once very recently and he sees cahms for support. Despite this, he is a very well mannered and polite young man. He’s amazing. I’m biased but he is.
Co-parenting with my ex has never been easy. He has zero involvement with ds being autistic. Ds has always masked around him and his family. They don’t see ds as I do.
Myself and Ds have an extremely close relationship and he has longed for the same with his father who shows little interest. 1 phone call every 12 days between visits is usually all he gets.
My relationship with their grandparents has been mixed. I’m thankful for their help but I’ve never trusted them around dc, especially ds. There have been a few incidents where their grandad has pushed ds into doing things he wasn't ready for (things like going to the shop alone, forcing ds to ride a bike and calling him a wimp for saying it frightened him). I ended up calling their grandparents to share that ds was not doing well mentally. This backfired on me massively and their grandad blamed me for everything - all ds troubles were my fault. Autism - my fault. I’m making it up, they refused to believe anything I said despite offering to show mountains of medical reports to back it up. He also said Ds would be better living with them. He would be out riding his bikes with mates. Ds is scared of me. This was 18 months ago.
Fast forward to 2 days ago. Met both grand parents at the service station to collect dc. I don’t speak to the grandad anymore, after the phone call. Always just sit in the car and let the kids get in.
Anyway I’m sat in the car and all of a sudden see their grandad approaching the car with Ds beside him. He opens my car door himself and demands to know why my son’s name has been changed on Facebook. (It’s been like this for months - for his own security and safety). I tell this to him. He then calls me a liar and says I’m using my son to scam people for money. I was quite taken back by this. I told him not to get involved, he doesn’t know my son properly and to leave it there. He demanded I change it back. I told him he has no rights as a grand parent to ask anything of me.
His words to me were then ‘you little slut.’
DS was stood quite near. I screamed and told him he would never ever see my children again. He walked off. I was absolutely gobsmacked/petrified.
Dc got in the car and I was shaking and crying. Poor Ds was then crying, angry, screaming. I called their father who didn’t know what to do and he ended up hanging up the phone. I waited for 45 minutes until I could calm Ds down and felt it was safe to drive home.
Both my dc have decided they no longer want to see their grandad. They didn’t like him anyway really but this was the final straw for them. Their grandad had sent Ds a text asking him to call. I said no but DS wanted too. He stood up for me and told him he would never see his grandad again. Their grandads response was that he loved them both but he will never take back what he said about me and it is their choice to walk away from him. No apology. Nothing. He is now blocked on both their phones.
I don’t think I have ever been so angry in my life. I called my ex today to ask them if he had spoken to his parents. He said he had. He didn’t directly blame me but it sounded like the grandparents blamed me for my response to being called a little slut. They said DC weren’t stood close enough to the car to hear it - basically they didn’t have to know anything. Although DS did hear it. My screaming basically was the issue.
He also said that the next time the kids visit him, they can decide whether they see their grandad or not. This angered me - they don’t want too and shouldn’t be asked. They’ve told their dad and their grandad that they are done.
My ex ended up hanging up the phone and told me he was sick of hearing it - baring in mind this happened only 2 days ago.
Today I sent their Nana I message to say the dc do not want a relationship with their grandad. I explained the reasons why. I also explained the reasons why ds name is changed on Facebook and that ds understands and is happy with this - I am not using my son to scam people 🙄 I said she is more than welcome to have a relationship with them but this must be alone and their grandad is not to be involved. I said he is abusive towards women and I don’t want my daughter around him.
She didn’t reply and I didn’t expect her too.
I have 2 questions:
- would you have reacted the same in that situation? As I feel I am being blamed for my reaction.
- Would you stop your children from seeing this man? Even though they are older and can make their own decisions? I am concerned that my ex and their nana will try to convince dc to see him again. If that happens, I want to stop the kids visiting them entirely. Not stop contact, just they will have to visit them here instead. My children will no longer travel to them .