To ask how you coped with the transition from living with child to adult DC.

[Wherethewildbeesare]

Because I am finding it really difficult!

For dc entire childhood it was just me and them, we were a little team and did everything together. DC is disabled and so my priority was absolutely them, I worked remotely to be able to still provide care which resulted in me becoming quite isolated and I lost myself a bit, or actually a lot along the way.
Because dc is disabled that dynamic has lasted longer than normal and I am still responsible for many things a non disabled adult would do independently. I think this contributes to the feeling, for example I could not just decide to up and leave for a couple of days despite their age. If they are home I need to also be.

Now obviously DC is grown but still living at home. DC is in a relationship, has a life outside of me which I am delighted about and I have (quite understandably) just become a fixture of the house.
They come home, shower, (usually leave a mess everywhere) , ask me to do the things they can't and then leave again shortly afterwards.

I have to admit to feeling somewhat like a hotel with a personal assistant thrown in.
I have tried to attend new hobbies to get out of this feeling but dc hates being home alone even for a short period and does not cope with it so I feel like they have a life but I am still here stuck just waiting to be needed for something.

I am not resentful, I am delighted that dc found their path in life but I am lost.

Help!

How old is this 'child' ? What is this disability that means you have to wait on them hand and foot? Clearly they are capable of taking a shower and going out and having a relationship.

It sounds like your adult child is pretty capable if they are able to come and go as they please without you, just leaving a mess in their wake. If they can manage without you when they want to go on a date or spend time in a relationship, then it sounds like they WANT you around when they are at home, but don't necessarily NEED you. If that is the case, and they are capable of full understanding, then I think you need to have a chat about where they see their future. Obviously you haven't told us anything about the disability, so is it a case of they will alway be reliant on you, and when you are no longer around will need others to care for them, or will they be capable, with the right set up, of managing a home of their own and living independently? If it's the latter, then I think you need to start preparing them (and you) mentally for spending time on their own, so that you can gradually have a life of your own too, but obviously I'm just guessing at this stage as you haven't given us much information to work with.

I don’t blame you feeling frustrated and disrespected, you’ve given your life to care for others, they’re mistaken kindness for weakness. He doesn’t like staying alone because you’ve always been there, he has to used to it, like it or lump it. Tell him directly that things are going to change for everyone, you and him, as for the mess, definitely have this out with both of them.
This is your year to set out boundaries. 💐

If I’m honest I would suggest you move this from AIBU to Special Needs.

Because for me, at 21 Ds is fully capable of living independently and now does so. There’s still some emotion around that for me, but practically speaking it’s no issue. You’re dealing with something different.

In general I would always expect that there might be more progress towards additional independence. But it sounds as if that may never reach full independent living. Do you think that’s right? Is there any prospect of supported living to work on life skills in the future?

From a needs point of view it is complicated.
If I was not around they would be looking at living in either a supported living property or if in a normal house with either some sort of care in place.
They would need significant support. Living indepedently without that support would not be possible.

I did not know there was an adult special needs section, thank you!
Yes I have already made enquiries prior to them forming a relationship about supported living although I would suspect that due to the relationship they would prefer a situation of their own place with support in the future now.

How did you manage the emotion involved?

Never having had to deal with life with a disabled child OP, I'm not sure what support there is out there for parent's like yourself, but I imagine that there are some official services out there, where you could talk to people who understand your situation, and may be able to give you advice. For example, does your child have friends who's parents you have contact with or are friends with, and if so, could you chat with them about the way you're feeling, whether their child needs them always to be around now that they're an adult, and if so, how they cope. Sorry I can't be of more help, but it does sound like your child needs to accept that there will be times when they need to spend time alone, and they need to adapt and learn how to deal with whatever fears it presents for them.

I’m still managing it - ds fully moved out in October and I had the weird (to me) experience of inviting him to visit for Christmas. I feel a bit hollow, lost and purposeless without him here. He’s currently home again having gone back briefly after Christmas.

It would be great if you can get him to be comfortable being alone, his confidence has grown, I’m sure he has a long way ahead but I’d build on his new independence by praising him, hopefully you can build up 4/5 hours, would you consider a dog, it’s a big commitment but a good companion.
Apply for home care if it’s an option.

I agree with others. You could look at them hiring a pa to help with the tasks that you still do to start off with and then apply for supported accommodation. A good pa would also be able to help them.to learn to tidy up after themselves, do washing, cook, make beds, clean etc.

My son has a disability and is shortly to move into supported living (I think he might have more difficulties than your daughter). You say she has a life outside the home - a relationship, social interaction...does she work? MN will often suggest supported living as an answer without recognising how difficult it is to access (unless you have endless funds to pay yourself). Totally understand you feeling that you have lost yourself somewhere - I feel exactly the same. You say she is in a relationship - does that person have 'needs' or can they build a self-supporting life together?