Nearly 30 year age gap

[ZanyTealQuail]

My sister (30yo) has been going out with a man in his late 50s for around a year. Its serious and it seems like they essentially live together. We have not met him but she wants us to meet him. I find it uncomfortable seeing her with him in photographs as looks the same age as our parents (and isn't far of the same age as them). He has his own children that are the same age as her and has grandchildren. I have been avoiding talking to her about it as much as possible as it makes me uncomfortable. Around a month ago I said over WhatsApp would meet him but am having second thoughts and thinking about telling her I am not sure if I can. AIBU.

If she were 16 you'd have a point.

At 30 she is a grown adult and can choose who she wants to spend time with. I genuinely don't understand why you're "not sure that you can" meet him.

I think if you want a good realtionship with your sister, you need to get over this and get on board with her choices. Yes it's a big gap but this is what she wants and makes her happy.

I think by 30 women know what they want. She might change her mind in about 10 years time but that can happen with any couple with any age gap.

You just have to keep shtum and be happy for her so long as you know she's ok.

Gosh you need to give your head a wobble

just be pleased she has a good relationship

any negatives you have to offer they would have already discussed - respect that

Not sure how close you are to her, but can you in a big sisterly, trying to understand way, how she feels about the age gap and how she is the same age as his children?

And how does she feel about being a Step Grandma?

Make clear "no judgement of course but just trying to understand given he is the same age as our parents?"

It would be strange if you didn't ask and she would know you are skirting around the question otherwise.

Do not do this

it’s patronising

she would have already considered all of these issues. It’s not your business unless she wants to tell you

I had a 26 year age gap - the above questions are undermining

Really? Genuinely wondering would sisters not talk about these things?

30 years is a big difference.

I get why you don't love it instinctively and in terms of the difficulties they might face as he ages, but I don't understand your apparent revulsion and being unable to meet him or even like to look at photos, it doesn't sound like he's abusive, she seems to be happy, your reaction is a bit excessive, it's not that bad.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to feel this way, it is icky and pervy on his part and long term not a good idea on her part - youth is such a finite and precious resource - he has had his youth and should leave her to live hers!

However, she is your sister so I do think you just have to grin and bear it and hope she comes to her senses. Maybe gently lay out your concerns to her if your relationship is usually honest and frank like that, but not meeting him at all would be unreasonable.

My brother is 60. He’s fit and healthy, big into technology, lots of hobbies and interests. Nowhere bear decrepit, or not of-fashioned in any sense.

I think we often think of someone that age as older than they really are because we tend to view ages like we did when we were children. Certainly, when was young, 60 seemed “old”. It’s not the case anymore.

I’d get your concern if she was 18, and he was almost 50, or even if she was 50 and he was pushing 80, but at their respective ages I don’t really see the gap as all that big.

I would leave her to come to you

Agreed - He needs to meet you as members of her family.

My grandparents married when she was 18 and he was 42 - they had 5 children and a long and happy marriage until my Grandad passed aged 87. He was a lovely man - kind, hardworking, gentle and intelligent, and he adored her.

If you want a good relationship with your sister, don't you think you should at least meet her partner and make a judgement once you've got to know him?

I find it a bit ick too but I think you should try for your sister sake.