DD doesn't want to go on playdate

[Playdateissue]

DD (8) has been invited to a girl's house, someone from her class. We agreed on this playdate about 5 weeks ago, after a birthday party, when this girl had a nice play with DD.

This girl has suspected SEN so she gets in trouble at school a lot. She can be kind though and hasn't done anything terrible to DD. I do understand she is struggling and I have a lot of sympathy for SEN kids.

However, in the last month, before Christmas break, this girl has done some terrible things at school. She would hit or push girls with her hockey stick hence has been banned from the after school hockey club. She threw a stone at another girl in the school playground and hit her face/eye hence was sent home for the rest of the afternoon. She bullies DD's best friend (who is very bright, but tiny, so she picks on her size). She goes in detention most days.

DD is terrified now to go to her house now and I'm too. Her parents are really lovely and helpful always so I don't want to offend anyone.

WWYD? How would you handle this?

Just cancel the play date.

What do I say and avoid further requests?

Just say dd not well and leave it at that. If they look to rearrange just say will see once back into the routine after school returns.

You can be someone who appeases this, or politely decline and say why. At least the issues at school since the last one.

Just say your DD feels they aren't friends any more. If the girl's parents ask why, say she's upset about the way the girl treats DD's friend.

Just say that your DD doesn’t want to go on play dates at the moment. As a parent of children with SEN, that will have been heard before and understood for what it is.

Just say a family commitment has come up, and be really vague about rescheduling.

I think I'd go with "I'm so sorry, but DD is very reluctant about the playdate at the moment, so I think its best we cancel for now, as I can't see it going well! Sorry to mess you about"

Well obviously you don't make your kid go to someone's house she's terrified to go to. Just cancel.

Let your daughter choose who she plays with. The other kid could end up calming down over the next year and come back into favour but otherwise just claim illness to get out of the date and don't arrange a further one.

I'd be honest with them.

I’d go with this response. It’s better to be honest and polite than to make something up.

Thank you for all the responses. I'm so bad at this! I don't want to upset or offend anyone or cause any issues between the girls.

I see both sides of this because my DD has SEN, and although she isn't violent, when she was in mainstream school, she would run out of class and hide under tables whilst vocally stimming when she was overwhelmed and overstimulated by the work and the business of the classroom. But she was absolutely fine in smaller groups, and at playdates because there were less social and sensory demands.

However I had to ban playdates with a child in her SEN school who absolutely terrorised the classroom regardless of support put in place. She would target children with zero trigger. I'd spoken to her parents about her behaviour and they denied it was happening, and claimed school said it was all over exaggerated. When I stopped inviting her to playdates they blamed the behaviour on my child refusing to include her in playdates. So it was clear she would just run riot.

Can you speak to the parents and explain your concerns? This girl may very well be absolutely fine in a 1:1 situation if she's played nicely before. If her parents are receptive to your concerns they will be happy to supervise and support their child during any playdates.

Obviously if you don't feel comfortable doing this, or if there is nothing that will reassure DD then it's fine to cancel. I just thought it was worth offering a different perspective.

We had the same problem, child who ds doesnt like very much begging for a play date over christmas. Had to lie and say ds was sick.

I think that you have 2 choices, either a) cancel the playdate, or b) change it to something where you stay, so you meet up with them at a park or similar.

Definitely don't just send her as that would be really stressful for DD.

I think you should say she is exhausted after Christmas and NY celebrations and is rundown / needs to rest before school starts again. I would worry that being too honest will hurt feelings and cause potential issues for DD going forwards

Thank you for your perspective. I did think that maybe in a 1 to 1 situation she'll be fine. She can be the sweetest girl outside school and was kind to DD, but can also be very unpredictable, this is what concerns me. DD also told me this girl used to have a best friend (they aren't anymore) and they'd be fine on playdates but then fight terribly at school (she's one of the girls who got hit in the face with a hockey stick).

Yes, I was thinking I would be happy to stay and have a chat with the mum during the playdate, but I'm not invited 😶.

Maybe just give an excuse, and decline any future offers? If they ask you what's wrong tell them. I'm sure they'll guess anyway.

Then your child doesn't go on the date. What's difficult about that?

This.

Don’t just weasel around avoiding the issue, because they will ask again.

Thank you all, I cancelled it!