To think that replying to people in a reasonable time (e.g. within a day) should be the bare minimum in relationships?

[BeCalmWasp]

I understand people get busy and I don’t expect instant replies… but if you’ve seen a message and days go by with no response, how is that not damaging to the relationship? I think people overplay the “I’m busy” card when a simple “I’ll reply properly later” takes seconds.

Relationships require effort. Everyone wants a support system but then some folks disappear for weeks and act confused when the connection fades. AIBU to think being reachable within reason is part of being a decent friend or loved one?

Watching with interest. I'm on the entirely opposite end of the spectrum in as much as I don't have any expectations at all about when my friends respond to my messages. We're all busy, and have challenges in our lives which occasionally cause periods of distance and withdrawal. I don't need it explained to me -I don't see this as a problem at all, but rather as a sign of the ease and authenticity of our connection: it doesn't depend on social 'presenteeism' but rather unfolds naturally when we're feeling like we've got enough in the tank to reciprocate.

Honestly, this demand to have access to someone 24/7 through their phone is relatively recent since the introduction of mobiles. Since the introduction of smart phones not only are we also expected to respond to every single friend/family/romantic partner but we also have to respond to every email, every class WhatsApp etc. so yes people are busy and no its not a bare minimum because it’s only a relatively recent phenomenon. You also don’t get to say that because you can manage that other people should be able to manage too.

I wouldn’t judge a relationship purely on how quickly they responded to my messages. If you feel it’s an uneven distribution in the friendship, you can dial back but this is across all areas of the relationships. If the person bails on plans last minute, always rearranges you, doesn’t ask how you’re doing, isn’t interested in offering advice when you need it, doesn’t actually care your issues beyond the surface then reevaluate the relationship. If you’re reevaluating because you’ve sent a generic message and they’ve not got back to you in a day then you’re being ridiculous.

Because I would rather text and meet up than have a month long drawn out small talk catch up. I don't mind firing a few texts but I'm simply not interested in chatting over text on my phone. It's boring and I resent the feeling of being tied to my phone or expected to reply lest I make someone passive aggressive or angry.

It depends on the friendship i think, though f you generally respond within a day or two i think that is grand. With the odd forget to reply etc.

My brother has no friendships and complains about it. And is annoyed we dont see each other more. But he hates phone calls, never responds to messages and actually muted the family chat. (Family chat isnt even used everyday 🤣)

So i guess if you want to keep a friendship going you do have to interact.

This is completely up to you OP. If this is important you then it's fine to step back from the friendship and make more of an effort with people who don't do this. If it doesn't bother you then that's also fine.

It totally depends on the relationship.

I have some people (my old parents, siblings, children, DH) who I will respond to immediately. I have some people (close friends) who I respond to when I can give a proper reply - that could be immediate if necessary, within a few days if lots of running the mill news. I have some people (not close friends) who I respond to when I get around to it - that could be days or weeks or months. I have some people (work, admin, official) who I respond to whenever works best for me.

People who demand that I reply within a certain timeframe for no good reason other than their own feelings tend not to get a timely reply. I’m available when I say I am. Not when they demand/ expect me to be available.

ETA: I take zero offence if people take days to reply. They’re busy. Everyone has full lives with lots of demands. I’m not so arrogant as to think I should be at the top of everyone’s list!

I have muted and archived chats where I get no response in 24 hrs and have started to match the energy there. No messages either. I personally think it's rude to leave anyone unread for more than a day without a response and to be honest so do most people to am friends with so it's not a problem.

As you can see opinions vary on this. It is better that you make friends with people who feel as you do on this issue and then you won’t be frustrated.

My expectations of friendships are pretty loose because we are the proverbial busy people so I’d be happy if a person who felt as you do decided to step back because it would probably be a mismatch.

I hate when people reply saying 'I'll read this later', you're either too busy to reply - or you're not. I find that a half arsed response and would much rather someone reply a couple of days later saying 'so sorry been snowed under' with a proper response than a placemarker of 'I’ll reply properly later'