Would you stop overnight contact in this situation?

[Cryingatthegym]

I’m looking for some outside perspective as I’m feeling really overwhelmed and don’t want to overreact. This is long because I've tried to include everything.

I’ve been separated from my ex-husband for 18 months and we have two young children aged 3 and 4. They currently spend time with him 2 nights a week.

Before Christmas, I raised concerns about the condition of his house and safety issues. He agreed to sort it, and on that basis I allowed contact to continue. Over Christmas, he took the children away for several days to visit family.

When they returned, my youngest (just turned 3) had a bad head injury that happened during his father’s care. I wasn’t informed and he didn't get any medical attention at the time. I took him to the GP, who made a safeguarding referral to social services.

This prompted me to properly look back through my photos and messages, and I’ve realised there’s a wider pattern I hadn’t fully appreciated before. Over the past 6 months I can see around 22 injuries that occurred during his contact time, including 8 head injuries for my youngest (3 of which I’d consider significant) and 2 instances of sunburn. The injuries are mainly bumps and bruises, but it’s the frequency and pattern that worries me, particularly given their ages.

So as not to drip feed, I’ve been raising safety and wellbeing concerns since we separated. These include:

• The cleanliness and safety of his home (significant clutter, mess and fire risk).

• Hygiene (children often returning unwashed or in soiled clothing).

• Lack of supervision and general safety (including car seat/road safety concerns).

• Not putting them in appropriate clothing for the weather.

• Nutrition and routines.

These concerns have been raised gradually over time, not all at once, and when I try to raise things I feel they are minimised or dismissed.

Nursery have also raised concerns about unexplained bruises and my youngest’s wellbeing. They've said they feel the inconsistency between homes may be affecting him. I’ve also had support from Women’s Aid due to past domestic abuse (towards me, not the children) and they've made a number of safeguarding referrals based on things I've told them.

Since the most recent contact I’ve noticed behavioural changes in both boys, including repeated wetting and increased fear around accidents (e.g. being very upset after minor stumbles and worrying about being told off).

Social care have previously advised me that because the children have one protective parent, they can’t intervene unless their father consents, and that if I don’t feel the children are safe I need to exercise my parental responsibility and stop contact.

I’m now considering stopping them from having overnight contact (but allowing daytime contact) because I no longer feel comfortable with the level of risk. However, I’m struggling with guilt and worry that I’m overreacting. This would also mean losing my only real chance for a rest, and I’m already exhausted.

I’d really appreciate honest opinions. Does this sound like a proportionate response? Would you stop overnight contact in these circumstances? Or would you give more time/take a different approach?

Thank you to anyone who makes it to the end of this.

If keeping your dc safe means they don't see their df then so be it..
My ds's had several bad incidents including a head injury he didn't tell me about. Unfortunately we had a court order and my own barrister told me judges are reckless with other people's dc.. Whilst no court order keep them home.
I doubt he will seek court ordered contact given he knows he is a shit df..

I’d be stopping all contact, let alone overnight!
You need to protect your children. They are demonstrably not being properly cared for by your ex.

Thanks for replying. I think one of the things that's held me back from making this decision so far is the idea of him taking me to court and everything that entails, plus the potential for the outcome not going in my favour.

I've tried so hard to be fair and reasonable and to give him chances to improve. But I feel like I'm at the point where I can't ignore the risk anymore. I'm losing sleep and in a constant state of anxiety when they're with him. But the abusive relationship taught me to doubt and question my own judgement and reactions, hence why I'm looking for opinions on here.

Absolutely not over reacting at all.

Listen to your boys. Good luck

I would raise your concerns with social services and ask if you can use a contact centre for supervised visits due to your concerns, they would be the ones that could support you if it went to court

You are not over reacting, it’s a bit weird you haven’t done more before now, especially with all the injuries, currently you are letting this happen, you need to make sure social services can see you are willing to keep the kids safe. Don’t send them to him again until it’s been through court and he’s proven he can safely have them.

I would stop ALL contact. You can exercise your PR to keep your children safe. Report all incidents to SS.

You're under-reacting. He'd only be getting supervised contact if they were my children.

If he was abusive to you too you need to report that to SS when you phone. This is severe neglect or possibly physical abuse. You need to stop contact immediately and get legal advice.

What would stopping overnight contact give them in terms of safety? If they are unsafe then that’s as much during the day if not
more than at night when they are simply in bed?

kids do have tumbles but if your concerned and it’s valid then stopping overnight won’t address that s as the same issues will be there during the day

Keep a log of the injuries.. Pics of bruising if you can. Speak to nursery /school and say your concerns have stopped contact.. If he has PR he could try and get them from school.. They can stall him but can't stop him. If ss get involved you build your case to keep him away.

I think I needed to hear this. Not making excuses, but I think the full picture has only become clear as I've sat back and properly considered things. I've got 3 kids in total (older DD from a previous relationship) and I work full time, so my days are pretty non-stop and until now I've just tried to address things as and when they've come up.

Things came to a bit of a head before Christmas when I managed to see inside his house and saw that his living room was floor to ceiling with boxes and clutter and had litter and toys strewn all over the floor. He has tidied it up significantly, but I suppose that's what prompted me to look at everything together.

He also consistently tells me that I'm unstable and that I overreact to things. So I do struggle to trust my own judgement.

In my experience, social services said to stop contact but gave me no support for actually doing so, they just judged I was capable of keeping DC safe. At which point, you have a massive legal bill for doing exactly that if you do not qualify for legal aid.
However, if the DC are returning with injuries and are not safe in your exes care, then you have no choice but to stop contact and seek legal advice if and when your ex asks for contact. Remember it is up to your ex to raise the action but you might want an order to stop DC being picked up at nursery or school.
So yes, it’s a shit situation to find yourself in, but there is not much else to do but stop contact and seek support including legal advice.

Well it would mean less time in his care. I'm thinking of suggesting 2 hours twice or three times a week, away from his house. I want to make sure I'm being reasonable. And I do want the boys to have a relationship with him. They adore him.

I spoke to my solicitor before Christmas and I've drafted the email asking her to write to him and to apply for a prohibited steps order. I just wanted to get outside opinions before I pressed send to make sure I'm not overreacting. The responses so far are unanimous, which pretty much answers my question.

He was DV towards you, why do you think he wouldn’t be capable of inflicting this on your DC? Do you really think all of the injuries were accidental, particularly with the changes in their behaviour? To me, it’s insane you allowed this to continue for so long and I think he’s abusing them. His house also isn’t suitable so they definitely shouldn’t be staying overnight.

I’d be stopping all contact and keeping a log of injuries. He can take you to court, you can point towards the many injuries your DC have returned home with and the previous DV towards you. Any sensible court would insist on supervised contact.

Absolutely, I’d stop all unsupervised contact.
Are you safe if he came to see them at yours? Or if not could you arrange to bring them to a park/soft play/cafe for a supervised visit?
Do you have a good relationship with your Ex ILs? Is taking the DC there an option for a daytime visit and your Ex spend time with them there?

Access may be in a contact centre where they would be safe or with a nominated person. Either way, hopefully this will be a wake-up call for him

@Sartre do you think so? I'm terrified that if he took me to court he'd end up with ordered contact.

I know it looks really bad all written down together, but it's been a gradual build up of concerns over time. And every time I've raised things with him he's minimised it and told me that I'm unstable or overreacting or exaggerating.

He also tries to turn things around on me and claim that I'm as bad as him, for example when I raised concerns before Christmas he responded to say he has own 'serious concerns' about my mental health and tried to say that me not telling him about a small bruise on my youngest's ear was as bad as his house situation.

It's been pretty difficult to see the wood from the trees to be honest, which is why I'm posting here.

She's a survivor of domestic abuse. It's very common to be too scared to stand up to the former spouse. Please don't make her feel worse than she undoubtedly does.

OP, get EVERYTHING documented with your GP. Make a timeline of every incident and your concerns and how often you've tried to raise them. Get your nursery to do the same. I haven't RTFT but just be transparent and honest with any children's services involvement. If you can demonstrate that you are a fit and proper parent, you will have more credibility. Does your solicitor specialize in DV? There's also this resource if he threatens court and you have no recourse to funds. https://weareadvocate.org.uk

There is an absolutely incredibly Mumsnetter with a thread running called @dontgochasinwaterfalls who is an absolute model of how to conduct herself with a hostile and abusive ex which might be worth a read.

There are no family or friends who could facilitate supervised contact and I don't want him in my house under any circumstances. His family live 3 hours away and seemingly had no concerns about the head injury my youngest had whilst visiting them.

That’s completely understandable. In your case then I’d be pushing for supervised visits in a contact centre.
Maybe working up to him being allowed unsupervised visits of a few hours outside his home.
No overnight visits until your DC are much older

I would stop all unsupervised contact. You have to safeguard the children above all else.

I think kindly your rest when they are not with you is not really that important compared to the safety and well-being of your young children. I recently managed to break up with my DH following a pattern of depression, manipulative behaviour, cocaine abuse and unstable behaviour. (Been trying for years and then he made my life an absolute nightmare when I did for months). No chance in hell will he have unsupervised contact with my dd4 (our other dd is 19) despite her not currently attending a nursery and she’s with me ALL the time. I have concerns so therefore until he’s well , clean for a substantial period of time and can show he’s capable he simply visits as often as he wishes to my house. I don’t cause conflict, allow him to play with her in front room, he joins us on trips etc so he/ they don’t miss out and he therefore can’t complain he’s not getting reasonable contact.
i know she wouldn’t be cared for properly unsupervised as he is barely able to look after himself half the time recently

it annoys me yes that everything basically falls to me but I will not compromise her safety.

edited to add I appreciate you don’t want him at your house- what about a contact centre ? He can see the children there on arranged days ? Not quite sure how it works but was suggested to me if my DH kicks up a fuss and tries to go for contact ?

@Bunnybear42 I understand that and I agree. I mentioned the rest because I'm already burnt out to the point that my physical health is suffering (migraines, dizziness, weight loss, fatigue), so I'm worried about becoming ill (and what might happen to the children if so) with no breaks or chances to catch up on sleep. But I absolutely agree with you that their safety comes before that.