To be annoyed by my bfs comment about my body ?

[passingby1234]

I have a history of an ED but have been trying to gain muscle and have a PT. I have really bad body dysmorphia and I am in therapy for this. A lot of my family members say Im slim but I feel big a lot of the time.

My boyfriend knows this. He patted my leg and said ‘you have juicy calves’. The next day he patted me again and said ‘definitely try and lift heavier’.

AIBU for finding this ‘juicy’ comment offensive? I feel like he is body shaming me and its made me spiral

He knows exactly what he's doing. Nasty bastard.

In a weird way it's a compliment. You're trying to gain muscle. Before I started weight training my brain was the default setting for being thin. Now I embrace the thighs and muscle in the legs because I feel like I'm on a bouncy castle just walking down the road. If someone said lift heavier I'd take that as a compliment.

Your brain switches from how you look to how strong your body can feel.

But tell him that you'd rather he didn't comment on your body because your brain interprets it as a negative thing even if it's not meant like that.

That said if he's a bit of a knob in other ways and wants to keep you the way you are, because there are men who prefer women with eating disorders because that's the body type they like in women.

Then it's a case of throwing the man away.

Tell him not to mention your body shape in any way as its feeds your ED. If he doesn't stop / listen, you need to get rid of him as he's part of the problem.

I don’t know what juicy means? Sounds like a compliment. So I don’t think he did anything wrong. Perhaps with your history you should just ask him to not comment on your body.

If you know someone has an ed you don't make a comment like that. Negging twat!

Did you tell him you don’t like it? It sounds like a clumsy way of complimenting you, especially if you are working to build muscle, absolutely fine that you don’t like it and you should tell him that. But this doesn’t sound like he’s deliberately body shaming you to me

I do not see the problem personally

I don't think the juicy comment is offensive, I think men use that as a compliment. He's saying you've got nice calves. But, as above, as him not to comment on your body due to your ED. Unless there's other stuff he says and does that would indicate he's trying to neg you, I'd take it as a compliment.

Isn’t it a compliment?

But if you don’t want any comments on your body, you need to make that clear.

Even if meant as a compliment it wasn’t a good idea for him to comment on your body when he knows you have these issues. Have you asked him not to?

Suggesting that you ‘lift heavier’ seems negative.

Inept of him, at best.

Intent is everything here. If you are lifting, then the goal is to be more "juicy", so his intention may have been to positively reenforce your behaviour and/or make you feel good about your body, given your history.

As a pp said, he is a nasty bastard. He's negging you, and not allowing you to get any ideas that you may be attractive. He wants to keep you insecure and unconfident. I have dated 'boys' like that in the past. Cunts. All of them. I bet you're fucking gorgeous with a lovely body, and he is trying to bring you down because HE is insecure! (And worried someone will fancy you.)

He is NOT going to help your ED. Please tell him to shut the fuck up, and if he continues..... in the bin he goes!

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It is a problem, and it's not a compliment, as it's upsetting her (the OP.)

I would take juicy as chunky/meaty so I’d see it as a negative and with the lift heavier comment it’s like he thinks you need to try harder to look better so also a negative. And I’m saying that as a person who wouldn’t be personally offended by those comments.
The thing is it could be a clumsy remark not meant nastily. But he presumably knows your history, you need a bf who can be extra cautious around talking about your body because of the significance it holds to you.
It could also be a shitty comment designed to put you in your place.
. If it’s the first option you need to consider if you benefit from having this man in your life and how a conversation around his language and discussion of your body would go. Would he be open to this and more considerate in the future?
if it’s the second one you need to move on for the sake of your mh.

My therapist recently asked if i have been starving myself because I have dramatically lost weight apparently so it confuses me when he says things like that. Yeah I think I need to reevaluate if I am benefitting from this. I haven’t spoken to him about the comments as Im not sure how to address it.

I’d interpret “juicy” as muscular, which is a compliment as he knows you’re trying to build muscle. “Definitely try and lift heavier” means keep going with your lifting to build more thigh and bum muscles. He’s using gym vocabulary!

He’s being clumsy, but he’s trying to compliment you IMO.
But if being commented on like that doesn’t work for you, tell him to stop. Having had an ED means comments on your body are hard to take, you don’t have to put up with them.

What you have to remember is just because someone says something it doesn’t mean it’s true/real. It’s their thought/opinion and they have their perspective/reasons/agenda for saying that.

Your therapist we should assume is there for you and your issues so it’s reasonable to say when they asked about your weight that’s because you look different and they needed to ask the question because they need to safeguard you.

When your boyfriend made those comments it’s hard to understand his motive, was he clumsily trying to compliment you, was he trying to make you feel less to make himself feel better. You don’t know if he meant you look bigger or not but what is certain is just because he said it doesn’t make it correct.