How often to visit home?

[DorsetPlantation]

Context - I am Irish and have been living in England for 6 years. I have been with DP for 4 years and we have a 7 month old DD.

I came over to Ireland with DD on the 28th for ‘twixmas’ and new years, 8 days total.

Within 24 hours of my arrival DM is wanting to know when my next trip is. I said it
would probably be early May for about a week and all 3 of us would come as a family. She seems a bit disappointed with this and thought it would be sooner.

Before getting a house with DP and pre-baby I could pop over to Ireland fairly regularly for 3 days, maybe every 2-3 months.

Now each trip costs £500 minimum, more if we all 3 if us travel. We have a few pets who we have friends or neighbours take care of. We are 2 hours from a suitable airport. DP works a manual job based around animals and employs 3 people so time off takes some planning. He’s not making a mega salary and I have been on mat leave without pay for several months. Travelling alone for the first time with DD was a bit nerve wracking.

When planning for a baby I envisioned making about 2 week-long trips to Ireland each year and my parents (nearing retirement) would make 3-4 short trips to visit me. We FaceTime about twice a week, and I understand they want to spend as much time with their granddaughter as possible, but my money and time is limited, a lot moreso than theirs.

I feel like her expectations for how often I would be able to visit home with the baby were quite high. Thoughts?

YANBU. Have you explained to your mum that you simply cannot afford it ?

I think you're right, your expectations are reasonable. She's probably just sad because she wants to spend more time with you and your family but that doesn't mean it's easy or cheap for you. When we went to visit my ILs for the first time in a year or so after having our youngest, they were also saying "this is great when will you come back to stay" while we were there, while I was quietly thinking to myself "this is too much and I won't do it again for another year" haha.

There are several issue

Price. At £500 a time, once a quarter is £2k a year. That's a lot.
Annual leave - if you are working or if you want your dp to travel with you, annual leave is limited. Twice a year would use up half your leave.
Other commitments - you and dp have a life in England. You have to find a balance that suits you, not your mum. What about the other set of grandparents? When do they get a look in?

You could suggest travelling to Ireland at Xmas and Easter. That allows you to use bank holidays. If they want to see more of you, they can travel to see you.

How is it costing so much. There are so many cheap flights. We find if we plan really far in advance the flights are cheap. Could you get your mum to have a set up of clothes, travel cot etc so that you can travel super light. Also never be nervous doing that journey on your own as someone will always help you. But you should encourage your parents to come to you.

Yanbu. Can you invite her to visit you next?

May is reasonable. They could visit you near easter?

I have lots of Irish friends in your situation. They can't see as much of family as they'd like.

I know a lot of people visit for a long holiday over the summer with the kids (if they have the summer off themselves). It's good because they have a ready made holiday venue, but that's where the families have bigger properties to fit in relatives visiting.

One of my friends said they'd not been home for Christmas for the past 3 years so felt obliged this year. I bet your mum would hate that.

It'd not be practical for most of my friends to do loads of trips to Ireland as taking 4 or 5 people on a ferry or flight is costly.

Massive generalisation but really family oriented friends of mine will manage one trip a year with the kids. Some do less. Some manage more but they are wealthy and make it a holiday, maybe twice a year: Christmas or summer, or Easter.

Don't let your mum guilt trip you!

I would say that in your circumstances two trips a year are reasonable. You have to make provision for your pets and that may mean a kennels. Or paying someone to look after them. Once I left my home city I only went back once a year and I have no children. Your parents must understand that you have a life in another country now.

Twice a year for us, less sometimes. We only stay for 3/4 days as it can get a bit intense - everyone looks forward to it but then the noise and disruption can feel a bit wearing on the olds. So we’ve learnt that hard way - leave wanting more time rather than being desperate to get back to England

I used to zip back and forth a lot on maternity leave, just me and DS, when there were cheap flights from our nearest airport — my parents live very close to the airport at their side, so it was a fairly straightforward trip, even as a rookie parent. Once I went back to work and DS needed his own seat, less often.

I’d cut them some slack. They’re presumably adjusting to being grandparents to a baby being brought up in the UK, and the fact that they don’t see him/her as often as they’d like, plus the fact that it makes you seem more settled there.

Presumably you replied with all of the reasons that make this difficult for you?? You can't afford it and it's difficult to organise with work and pets?

Just explain you can’t afford to visit more than what you do but she is always welcome to visit you?

We lived in Dorset, visited dh's parents in Scotland twice a year for a week. Train was around £200 - about ten / twenty years ago. All were happy with this.