AIBU to step back from this friendship?

[TroubleMakingWitch]

I will try and keep this as brief as possible. I’ve had a mum friend for about 6 years now. When we first met she was recently divorced from an abusive marriage and had been single for a long time. She has always seemed quite happy being on her own and seemed quite sensible regarding future relationships. However, she met a guy about 6-7 months ago and she seems to have lost all perspective.

He has a weird set up with her where she drives over there once a week and she gets kicked out first thing the next morning. Her words not mine. She hasn’t met any of his friends, family and he refuses to call it a relationship.

Over Christmas he saw her once, on the 21st. She’s not seen him since. There was no card or present, no mention of his plans and he told her she should “make her own plans”.

Sadly, she found out she was pregnant a week before Christmas by him. She opted not to tell him. She justified this as “waiting until they were in a stable place”. I think the truth is she knew he would bolt. He’s told her he never wants kids and has no interest in meeting her children.

I supported her through this and she went for an abortion just before Christmas.

She still hasn’t told him - and it’s probably the right call. He isn’t making any steps to make it a relationship and treats her poorly. He’s rude, dismissive and makes zero effort.

When we chat she admits this is making her unwell mentally. She’s completely fixated on him and he does not want to commit. She will say she knows it’s not going anywhere and I feel like she’s making progress. However, she will then “counsel herself via ChatGPT” and come up with a load of reasons why she needs to give him time. She’s convinced he’s just avoidant and she needs to be patient. She will bombard him with messages asking to see him but he just refuses. He never even asks how she is. She told him she was “going for a procedure” when she went for the abortion and he barely acknowledged it and he hasn’t mentioned it since.

I am just exhausted with being the emotional support for all of this. Prior to the abortion she was calling the GP weekly asking for support and I am always trying to help her out with things but she refuses to help herself. She keeps trying new medications, seeing counsellors etc but will not deal with this shitty relationship!

AIBU to just step away and say I can’t support her anymore? I just feel so bloody angry at her for this odd behaviour. I’ve been very blunt on numerous occasions but she will not step away from him. I don’t want to issue her an ultimatum or make her feel like she’s leaving him because I’ve asked her to but I am done with dealing with the fallout.

You’ve tried, and if she’s not willing to make changes, there’s nothing you can do. Just stop being available for her and fade out gradually.

Thank you. I feel guilty stepping back. I am also really angry that she shields this useless man from all her woes as he isn’t good with emotions. Yet - I am supposed to smile and nod and nod at all these batshit things she does!

It’s not odd behaviour at all. She is just a regular booty call. What’s odd is that she doesn’t realise this.
If you can’t make her see sense, distance yourself for a while.

This should be a wake up call for her, but she’s clearly not willing to use this to reflect or change her situation. Have you had that talk with her? It’s awful to see someone you care about repeat the same mistake over and over, especially with men who don’t care about them. I’d step back from the friendship tbh, there’s no winning there

Yes - we had a proper chat a day or two ago. His behaviour has been awful over Christmas and new year. He’s consistently shunned her. She will message him a lot asking if she should drive over. He always says no unless it’s a Friday or Saturday night when he’s at a loose end. She is told not to arrive any earlier than 7. He gets his way and he might buy her a takeaway if she’s lucky! And by 8am the next day he tells her to leave.

I was really blunt and said he’s using you and you need to end this. She will constantly cite mental health problems (anxiety and depression) as a reason she can’t deal with ending it.

She refuses to ever call his behaviour out as he’s “avoidant” and she needs to be patient!

He will message her pretty frequently - and she reads into this as he must want more. But it’s all just surface level, inane chit chat that he seems to entertain to get his end away. He never asks her anything or shows any care or consideration. She is glued to her phone and if he replies to a message quickly she will gush over “how sweet he is”
as he’s replied quickly!

I'd tell her once a for all that he's a time wasting bellend and she deserves much better. That being single would be much better.

That's your advice, and frankly if she won't take it you really don't want to have any discussions about him or the state of their 'relationship'.

That it's not fun spending time with her when that's the only topic of conversation.

Give her a chance to stop going on about him. If she is still doing it then definitely gently fade away.

Yep. You’re right. I don’t know why but I really struggle with the friendship in general whilst this is going on.

She is constantly glued to the phone - desperate for some sort of contact from him. It’s really taken over her life. I feel like she’s not even present most of the time.

I think I see a lot of traits that I’ve exhibited in the past and it gives me the rage! Probably an issue I need to address!

Yanbu he’s treating her like a friend with benefits. Sounds like she’s obsessed, i would tell her why your stepping back. She is beyond help & needs to see for herself.

This is pitiful to read. And it must be intensely draining to support someone who’s wasting their energy on such an awful man. I don’t think you’d be unreasonable at all to step back. It might be the kindest thing you can do. As long as you prop her up, and give her support that she needs because of his poor treatment of her, she’s got less incentive to end the ‘arrangement’ with him.

I would ask her, if he’s avoidant, why would this change if she gives him more time?

I would let the friendship fade. She is going to be a lot more hard work if / when she finds out he has a wife who does a regular night shift on Friday and Saturday nights.

It really is tragic. It has really shocked me as well as when we’ve known other people in similar situations - she will call this out and has her head screwed on. However, now it’s her she has no perspective at all.

She has this notion that he has all these feelings of love and longing and given enough time he will put the “relationship” on a more stable footing. Apparently he lost his mum a few years ago and this seems to be some sort of excuse she will use to defend his behaviour.

As you already had some very direct chats with her, tell her exactly how you feel- you feel drained supporting her whilst she continues making crazy decisions to carry on with him and degrading herself in the process.

Tell her you care about her but need to step away for your own sake.

Yep - it really is an obsession. I do not get it! He is nothing to write home about. He isn’t attractive, she admits the sex is actually quite dire and he’s just very very odd!

The only concession I will give him is that he is consistent. In his defence - he hasn’t offered her anything, promised her anything or ever labelled this. She is the one who chases him and panders to him. He probably even thinks she’s fine with this set up as she never expresses any feelings of discontent with him.